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Being Single Versus Being Married - Funny!

Updated on January 29, 2013
Photo by Paul Vera-Broadbent
Photo by Paul Vera-Broadbent | Source

At the writing of this hub, I am 32 years old, single, with no children, and I live on my own. Of course, I have many friends and family members who are just the opposite. From my observations of our lives, I am going to be writing about the differences between being single and being married.

Sleeping

Single: I get to go to bed at whatever time I want; and I get to sleep in for as long as I want. No kids disturb my rest in the morning; and no wife reminds me of what “duties” I need to perform throughout the day.

Married: I can always count on my beautiful wife to remind me when I need to go to bed so that I can receive the proper amount of rest; and my lovely wife and kids are there to greet me each and every day upon the opening of my eyes, with bright smiles and warm hugs. Unless, that is, I would be my brother-in-law. He has a son who is louder than a siren on a fire truck; and at eight o’clock in the morning that is not a pleasant sound. I know, because I recently visited him for about two weeks. That kid is lucky he is not mine.

Sharing

Single: I do not have to share anything with anyone. My flat is all mine. My money is all mine. My food is all mine. My laptop is all mine. My bed is all mine. My bathroom is all mine. Mine! Mine! Mine!

Married: I have the privilege of providing for and sharing everything with those who I love the most. If that means my wife wants more of the covers on a cold night; so be it, I love her. If that means that we will have to tightly budged our finances to make ends meet; you do what you have to, to survive. If that means cramming our family into my flat, we will just be all that much closer to one and other. If that means giving my wife (and possibly daughter[s]) as much time as necessary to get ready in the bathroom in the morning; go right ahead, there’s always tomorrow. If that means sharing my laptop with my wife and kid(s), I’m going to have to buy another laptop.

Sex

Single: No.

Married: Yes.

Singles take a hit on this one…

Decision Making

Single: I’m the captain of my ship, the master of my domain, and the ruler of my life!

Married: My wife is the captain of my ship, the master of my domain, and the ruler of my life!

In-Laws

Single: I don’t have to worry about whether or not I will get along with my in-laws, because I don’t have any.

Married: I hear flat-out horror stories about mothers-in-law! In Poland, where I’m currently residing, they even have jokes about them. For example:

  • When is the best time to see your mother-in-law? Through the scope of a rifle.
  • What’s the difference between your mother-in-law and the sun? Nothing. You can’t look at either of them.

In the office one morning:

David: “You have a black eye! What happened?”

John: “Well, yesterday evening when we were praying before dinner, at the words, 'But deliver us from evil', I looked at my mother-in-law."

Friends

Single: I could choose who my friends are and when I want to hang out with them.

Married: My wife sets limits on how often I can hang out with my friends; and if she does not like one of them, she will be sure to let me know—several times. Maybe even for months and years.

Arguing

Good luck winning an argument against your wife. According to a reputable source, women are crazy. Therefore, attempting to win an argument against one using reason is futile.

Women have several stages through which they pass in the process of winning an argument. I know this from experience because I grew up with three sisters, and I have also been in several relationships. First, they attempt to persuade you politely. If that doesn’t work, they will become increasingly angry with you. Their facial expression will gradually grow meaner, and they will get ever louder with you until they start frantically screaming and shouting. They are liable to hit you; and if they are mad enough, they will withhold sex from you for some time.

Although this is all seems insane, it is actually a very carefully laid out female strategy to break you by intimidation and deprivation. If your will is weak, she will succeed in her cause and own you. As long as you don’t catch on, she will use the same strategy to win every argument you ever have. She will control your life this way. It’s like prison. Sometimes (or probably most of the time), it does not even matter if you are right. If she has set her mind on something, your words will fall on def ears.

There are some benefits to being both single and to being married. Married couples get to have sex, while single people do not have to put up with a living nightmare. It all depends on what you want in life. If you are currently single, I hope my personal observations are a helpful source of information to aid you in deciding on your future. If you are married, I'm sorry, it's too late. Unfortunately, you got married before reading this hub and discovering the harsh realities of marriage. May God be with you. You're going to need Him.

More Hilarious Hubs by Greg Sereda

Marriage Jokes

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    • Tod Zechiel profile image

      Tod Zechiel 20 months ago from Florida, United States

      You are a bit off on the sleep part. About bedtime she gets energized after talking on the phone all evening with her friends or Facebooking. Fully energized, she then wants to tell you about her day and gets offended when you nod off or yawn.

    • Doris Dancy profile image

      Doris H. Dancy 3 years ago from Yorktown, Virginia

      I can tell you that I found you and this hub at just the right time. I laughed so hard that tears were in my eyes and after the stress of the day, I needed this moment. Thank you.

    • Ranzi profile image

      Cut The Bullshit 4 years ago from All Over

      Very funny hub- What ever you do don't show this to your wife or mother in law once married :)

    • weightlossgossips profile image

      Lisa Joshua 5 years ago from Singapore

      Haha this is seriously a funny hub that I have ever came across...

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 5 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      Felipe717 - Very observant, my friend.

    • Felipe717 profile image

      Felipe717 5 years ago from Philadelphia, PA

      I see under the section for "Arguing" you didn't separate "Single" from "Married" because it doesn't matter.

    • MarleneB profile image

      Marlene Bertrand 5 years ago from USA

      Hahahaha! So funny! The video is also hilarious. I especially liked the third comedian - not to give away the punch line, but yeah he got it right :)

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      Alocsin - I'm glad I helped your day to get off to a good start. :) Thanks!

    • alocsin profile image

      alocsin 6 years ago from Orange County, CA

      An amusing way to start the day. Voting this Up and Funny.

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      Sally's Trove - Haha, I bet it was! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    • Sally's Trove profile image

      Sherri 6 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

      Loved the video. The dream sequence is hysterical--and also true. I haven't been married for a long time, but when I was, all that scary stuff was his fault! Fun hub to read.

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      bockshiner - Oh, man...

    • bockshiner profile image

      bockshiner 6 years ago from Dallas, TX

      Haha funny. The guy in the video sounds like he's married to my wife. Ha!

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      Bree - Thanks.

    • profile image

      Bree 6 years ago

      Great Job...very funny

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      John Shark - Thanks!

    • John Sarkis profile image

      John Sarkis 6 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      Great article.

      I'd have to say, as a single man, that there's both good and bad in being single and married. As Shakespeare said "nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so...." Point being, it's good to be free and be able to do whatever you'd like, but it gets lonely sometimes.

      Voted up on your insightful hub

      John

    • WD Curry 111 profile image

      WD Curry 111 6 years ago from Space Coast

      My experience would make a good book and a bad joke!

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      Shila Lee - I wouldn't want to withhold sex if I was mad. I think sex would be a release from anger. But then again, I'm not married.

    • Sheila Lee profile image

      Sheila Lee 6 years ago from Canada

      It must be. LOL Sure, withholding sex because they are mad or they didn't get their way. Some guys will only have sex in a marriage when "they" want it, not when the woman wants it. Go figure, eh?

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      Sheila Lee - I didn't even know men were capable of withholding sex. It must be a marriage thing.

    • Sheila Lee profile image

      Sheila Lee 6 years ago from Canada

      WD that is so funny. And from a "women's" perspective, having been married ten years, it goes for us, too! And men will withdraw sex as well. So it can go both ways. But your comment was spot on!

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      WD Curry - Thanks for the comment, and the insight about sex after marriage. Are you speaking from experience?

    • WD Curry 111 profile image

      WD Curry 111 6 years ago from Space Coast

      It is good to have you here. I see things aren't that much different in Poland. Married men live longer, because their wife wants to prolong their misery.

      Sex is bait. Here is the progression. First you try weekly. Then you get married and it is tri-weekly. After a few years you just try weakly.

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      Arusho - Thanks! Please pass it on!

    • arusho profile image

      arusho 6 years ago from University Place, Wa.

      This is hilarious, good work!

    • Sheila Lee profile image

      Sheila Lee 6 years ago from Canada

      Done!

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      Sheila Lee - Thank you very much. Please do share with your friends!

    • Sheila Lee profile image

      Sheila Lee 6 years ago from Canada

      OMG I killed myself laughing. I'm recently single and I can see the benefits of being single. Although I miss having a significant other with me, I'm finding being single to be more relaxing, less stressful and more liberating. Thanks for this hub... I feel much better now. LOL I voted up!

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      Will Star - Good Answer.

      Lone Star - I'm glad you enjoyed the video.

    • profile image

      Lone Ranger 6 years ago

      Funny video, my friend, good choice!!! :0)

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      "WillStar - Remember that this is comedic. I was joking a little bit, and having fun with my hub."

      So was I. The answer to my question is:

      "They don't...it just seems that way."

    • Greg Sereda profile image
      Author

      Greg Sereda 6 years ago from Sandomierz, Poland

      WillStar - Remember that this is comedic. I was joking a little bit, and having fun with my hub.

    • profile image

      Lone Ranger 6 years ago

      WillStar, my friend, married men may live longer, but they are also more eager to meet death. :0)

      Greg, it is a matter of fact that married men, on average, get LESS sex then single men. I know this isn't playing by the rules, but many wives put their husbands on a starvation diet once the "honeymoon is over" and commonly use sex as a means to manipulate using the concept of reward and punishment. And, by the looks of things, many men are being punished.

      My uncle told me this once and then I heard it again through multiple sources: If a man puts a bean in a jar each time he has sex with his wife during the first two years of marriage and then takes a bean out of the same jar each time he has sex with his wife beginning the third year of marriage - there will still be beans left in the jar at the time of his death many years down the road.

      In this day and age, it is almost too much of a gamble getting married in the United States and in Western Europe. This is to say that for a growing number of men, the cost/benefit ratio is too high.

      With the advent of "No fault" divorces, excessive child support checks, alimony, welfare benefits, spousal support, assurance of full custody, and a society that is accepting of divorce - it is hard to keep a woman motivated to remain married, especially when so many of her friends are divorced or are getting divorced.

      I think for the most part, the Apostle Paul had it right. Too much risk in marriage these days: Too much drama, too much divorce, too much infidelity, too much government interference in the lives of your children hampering one's ability to parent effectively, and one's bride is often more faithful to her career than to her groom.

      I also read a study that revealed that after 10 years of marriage, only 10% of married couples claimed to be "happily married". Let the buyer beware! And so it goes.

      Best wishes and be well - L.R.

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      So why do married men live longer than single men?

    working

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