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40 Funny Quotes by Comedian George Carlin

Updated on July 26, 2012

Famous stand-up comedian George Carlin passed away 2008 from heart failure. He was 71 years old and will be greatly missed for his insight and intelligent jokes.

Gathered these from the internet

1) "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

2) "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

3) "The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"

4) "You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up."

5) "Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?"

6) "The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions."

7) "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

8) "Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"

9) "Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

10) "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

11) "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

12) "I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."

13) "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

14) "In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

15) "I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

16) "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

17) "The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it."

18) "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

19) "If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

20) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

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21) "If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

22) "If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work."

23) "I'd hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer's. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it."

24) "Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another."

25) "The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."

26) "When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

27) "Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

28) "Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."

29) "Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

30) "How is it possible to have a civil war?"

31) "What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

32) "What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?"

33) "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"

34) "Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

35) "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

36) "Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

37) "How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?"

38) "Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?"

39) "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"

40) "The planet isn't going anywhere. We are! Pack your shit, folks. We're going away."

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    • christine almaraz profile image

      christine almaraz 8 years ago from colorado springs

      my fav guy! i just did a hub about him. love and will miss him.

    • Ralph Deeds profile image

      Ralph Deeds 9 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Great quotes from a great man! Thanks!

    • Theophanes profile image

      Theophanes 9 years ago from New England

      *sigh* Carlin was great... I love his "There's an invisible man living in the sky..." routine. Number 6 & 35 are pure gold.