ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

40 Funny Quotes by Comedian George Carlin

Updated on July 26, 2012

Famous stand-up comedian George Carlin passed away 2008 from heart failure. He was 71 years old and will be greatly missed for his insight and intelligent jokes.

Gathered these from the internet

1) "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

2) "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

3) "The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"

4) "You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up."

5) "Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?"

6) "The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions."

7) "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

8) "Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"

9) "Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

10) "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

11) "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

12) "I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work."

13) "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

14) "In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

15) "I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

16) "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

17) "The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it."

18) "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

19) "If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

20) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

Image from:  http://www.zeenews.com/pics/ENT/comedy-190.jpg
Image from: http://www.zeenews.com/pics/ENT/comedy-190.jpg

21) "If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

22) "If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work."

23) "I'd hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer's. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it."

24) "Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another."

25) "The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."

26) "When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

27) "Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

28) "Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."

29) "Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

30) "How is it possible to have a civil war?"

31) "What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

32) "What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?"

33) "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"

34) "Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

35) "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

36) "Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

37) "How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?"

38) "Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?"

39) "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?"

40) "The planet isn't going anywhere. We are! Pack your shit, folks. We're going away."

Image from:  http://images.evalu8.org/images/george-carlin400.jpg
Image from: http://images.evalu8.org/images/george-carlin400.jpg

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • christine almaraz profile image

      christine almaraz 

      9 years ago from colorado springs

      my fav guy! i just did a hub about him. love and will miss him.

    • Ralph Deeds profile image

      Ralph Deeds 

      10 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      Great quotes from a great man! Thanks!

    • Theophanes profile image

      Theophanes Avery 

      10 years ago from New England

      *sigh* Carlin was great... I love his "There's an invisible man living in the sky..." routine. Number 6 & 35 are pure gold.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)