Classic Jokes

There is a lot of trouble in the world these days. It's time to take a break and laugh at some good old classic jokes about school children, businessmen, rednecks, drivers, lawyers, and others. There are also some humorous videos, funny news, and Twitter jokes on this page.

This photo is Homer, the author's cat.

A little boy said to his teacher, "I ain't got no pencil." She corrected him at once, "It's I don't have a pencil. You don't have a pencil. We don't have any pencils. They don't have any pencils. Is that clear?" "No", said the bewildered child. "What happened to all them pencils?"

Someone called to ask the capital of Alaska, and was told Juneau. If I knew, she retorted, I wouldn't be asking you!

A telegram given over the phone was to go to Mary Anne Wolfe. It arrived addressed to Mary Ann Withany and Wolf Withany.

Psychiatrist to the IRS agent on the couch, "The whole world isn't against you. The people of the United States, but not the whole world."

There was the chap who fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

How about the two podiatrists who became arch rivals?

Ruth rode on my motorbike directly back of me. I hit a bump at a high speed and rode on ruthlessly.

At the circus a man was observed near the camels. He picked up a straw, placed it on a camel's back and waited. "Wrong straw," he muttered, and hurried off.

Wedding guest to the groom, "You'll be hearing a great deal about me. I'll be the fellow she should have married."

A lady gave a party for 500 ostriches on a beach. At a very late hour, only 499 ostriches had shown up. Embarrassed by the rudeness of the 500th, they stuck their heads in the sand. The 500th ostrich came running up and said, "Where is everyone?"

Businessman to salesman, "I like your approach. Now let's see your departure!"

A man loaned another man $50,000 and didn't get it back. "Why don't you sue him?" "I neglected to have him acknowledge the loan in writing." "Well, just drop him a letter demanding the $100,000." "But he only owes me $50,000." "Precisely, he will let you know that by return mail and you will have your acknowledgement."

A famous story from a newspaper is about a note that someone left an editor. If I see upcoming in the paper again, I'll be downcoming, and someone will be outgoing.

On the outskirts of a small town, we saw a sign reading, Slow Down Speed Limit 25 Rigidly Enforced. Within a block we hit a deep bone shattering gap in the pavement which left us wondering what would fall apart first. A few feet beyond was another sign that said See?

When a man with a hearing aid got into a taxi, the driver displayed great interest. Must be tough to be hard of hearing, but nearly all of us have something wrong, take me for instance, I can hardly see.

A motorist, charged with driving through an intersection without due caution, explained, I always hurry through intersections to get out of the way of reckless drivers.

These are from several years before Jeff Foxworthy became famous for redneck jokes.

Southern Accents:

Abode: A board.

Balks: A container. Matchbox.

Beckon: Pig meat.

Coat: Coat's in session.

Faints: Fence.

Frustrate: The best.

Lack: Like.

Tarred: Weary.

Tin sin stow: Woolworth's.

A Texas husband divorced his 15 year old wife on the grounds that she acted like a child.

A man had a walking stick that was several inches too tall. A friend said, "You better have someone cut a few inches off the bottom." "That wouldn't help", the owner answered. "It's this end that's too high."

William Fox Harkins weighs only 160 lbs., so he and his office staff were puzzled when a letter came addressed to William Fatty Harkins. When his secretary pored over the new telephone directory, the answer suddenly became obvious. Lawyer Harkins is listed naturally, as Harkins, Wm. F. atty.