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Classic Jokes

Updated on November 2, 2016

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There is a lot of trouble in the world these days. It's time to take a break and laugh at some good old classic jokes about school children, businessmen, rednecks, drivers, lawyers, and others. There are also some humorous videos, funny news, and Twitter jokes on this page.

This photo is Homer, the author's cat.

School

A little boy said to his teacher, "I ain't got no pencil." She corrected him at once, "It's I don't have a pencil. You don't have a pencil. We don't have any pencils. They don't have any pencils. Is that clear?" "No", said the bewildered child. "What happened to all them pencils?"

Other Jokes

Someone called to ask the capital of Alaska, and was told Juneau. If I knew, she retorted, I wouldn't be asking you!

A telegram given over the phone was to go to Mary Anne Wolfe. It arrived addressed to Mary Ann Withany and Wolf Withany.

Psychiatrist to the IRS agent on the couch, "The whole world isn't against you. The people of the United States, but not the whole world."

There was the chap who fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

How about the two podiatrists who became arch rivals?

Ruth rode on my motorbike directly back of me. I hit a bump at a high speed and rode on ruthlessly.

At the circus a man was observed near the camels. He picked up a straw, placed it on a camel's back and waited. "Wrong straw," he muttered, and hurried off.

Wedding guest to the groom, "You'll be hearing a great deal about me. I'll be the fellow she should have married."

A lady gave a party for 500 ostriches on a beach. At a very late hour, only 499 ostriches had shown up. Embarrassed by the rudeness of the 500th, they stuck their heads in the sand. The 500th ostrich came running up and said, "Where is everyone?"

Joke Poll

Which joke is your favorite?

See results

Business

Businessman to salesman, "I like your approach. Now let's see your departure!"

A man loaned another man $50,000 and didn't get it back. "Why don't you sue him?" "I neglected to have him acknowledge the loan in writing." "Well, just drop him a letter demanding the $100,000." "But he only owes me $50,000." "Precisely, he will let you know that by return mail and you will have your acknowledgement."

A famous story from a newspaper is about a note that someone left an editor. If I see upcoming in the paper again, I'll be downcoming, and someone will be outgoing.

Business Poll

Which business joke is your favorite?

See results

Driving

On the outskirts of a small town, we saw a sign reading, Slow Down Speed Limit 25 Rigidly Enforced. Within a block we hit a deep bone shattering gap in the pavement which left us wondering what would fall apart first. A few feet beyond was another sign that said See?

When a man with a hearing aid got into a taxi, the driver displayed great interest. Must be tough to be hard of hearing, but nearly all of us have something wrong, take me for instance, I can hardly see.

A motorist, charged with driving through an intersection without due caution, explained, I always hurry through intersections to get out of the way of reckless drivers.

Driving Poll

Which driving joke is your favorite?

See results

Rednecks

These are from several years before Jeff Foxworthy became famous for redneck jokes.

Southern Accents:

Abode: A board.

Balks: A container. Matchbox.

Beckon: Pig meat.

Coat: Coat's in session.

Faints: Fence.

Frustrate: The best.

Lack: Like.

Tarred: Weary.

Tin sin stow: Woolworth's.

A Texas husband divorced his 15 year old wife on the grounds that she acted like a child.

A man had a walking stick that was several inches too tall. A friend said, "You better have someone cut a few inches off the bottom." "That wouldn't help", the owner answered. "It's this end that's too high."

Rednecks Poll

Which redneck joke is your favorite?

See results

Lawyer

William Fox Harkins weighs only 160 lbs., so he and his office staff were puzzled when a letter came addressed to William Fatty Harkins. When his secretary pored over the new telephone directory, the answer suddenly became obvious. Lawyer Harkins is listed naturally, as Harkins, Wm. F. atty.

Intro Photo of Homer: Jack2205 Photography

Joke Book

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    • audrey07 profile image

      audrey07 4 years ago

      I like the Loan joke. It's a pretty smart way to get an acknowledgement of the debt indeed!

    • tonybonura profile image

      Tony Bonura 4 years ago from Tickfaw, Louisiana

      Great lens. We all need to get in a laugh now and then. And, like Reader's Digest, I do believe laughter is the best medicine.

      TonyB

    • Fit And Fab profile image

      Fit And Fab 4 years ago

      Laughing is important in life. Looks like your cat likes your jokes too. These are little sayings that I have heard along the way. This one is supposed to be a book title. "Bare back riding" by Major Bumsore. Keep laughing!!! :-)

    • profile image

      cmadden 4 years ago

      Wow! Looks like Homer =^..^= likes the lens, too!

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Funny stuff! Love it...

    • profile image

      Aunt-Mollie 4 years ago

      Great collection of jokes for a gloomy day!

    • steve834 profile image

      steve834 4 years ago

      laugh out loud jokes

    • profile image

      john9229 4 years ago

      Big laugh \ o /

      Thanks for the fun jokes you share....

    • takkhisa profile image

      Takkhis 4 years ago

      I guess, i have found a nice lens that is full of classic jokes. Bookmarked :)

    • happymonkeyz profile image

      happymonkeyz 4 years ago

      yes, they are classic.

    • mrdata profile image

      mrdata 4 years ago

      Great lens! Your products are very well selected. Thanks!

    • Nightcat profile image

      Nightcat 4 years ago

      Loved it, Blessed! :)

    • Jo-Jackson profile image

      Jo-Jackson 4 years ago

      Thanks for the fun jokes.

    • vinodkpillai lm profile image

      vinodkpillai lm 4 years ago

      Nice selection. Thanks for sharing!

    • Johanna Eisler profile image

      Johanna Eisler 4 years ago

      You're right - in these crazy times, we need to be able to laugh. Thank you for the refreshingly clean humor! :)

    • yourselfempowered profile image

      Odille Rault 4 years ago from Gloucester

      Great selection of classic jokes - my favourite is the "Ruth" one. :)

    • Sara Dowling profile image

      Sara Dowling 4 years ago

      Love the one about the loan that made me smile

    • shawnhi77 lm profile image

      shawnhi77 lm 4 years ago

      Nothing like a good laugh

    • MartieG profile image

      MartieG aka 'survivoryea' 4 years ago from Jersey Shore

      I love jokes - these were fun! Thanks :>)

    • Valerie Bloom profile image

      Valerie Bloom 4 years ago from Pennsylvania, USA

      Thanks for the laughs!

    • ismeedee profile image

      ismeedee 4 years ago

      That was so fun!!!!! I really needed a good laugh!

    • profile image

      shashikantdabral 4 years ago

      Good one :)

    • DIY Mary profile image

      DIY Mary 4 years ago

      Your lens really brightened my day!

    • Camden1 profile image

      Camden1 4 years ago

      Thanks for the laughs!

    • WriterJanis2 profile image

      WriterJanis2 4 years ago

      I can always use a smile and this lens Brought one to me.

    • JaShinYa LM profile image

      JaShinYa LM 4 years ago

      I felt like playing a drum riff each time I read one. haha

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      Great idea for the lens it really made me laugh(:

    • FuenecoApp profile image

      FuenecoApp 4 years ago

      Yeah, a humur is what rescues us.

    • happy-birthday profile image

      Birthday Wishes 4 years ago from Here

      I love a good joke and here I can find a lot those... Thanks a lot!

    • LaurenIM profile image

      LaurenIM 4 years ago

      Hah hah! I'm glad I stumbled here. I needed that!

    • Otto Phillips profile image

      Otto Phillips 4 years ago

      I needed a laugh. Great lens!

    • TheBLU26 profile image

      TheBLU26 4 years ago

      I enjoyed this immensely! Thanks for this excellent lens!

    • Rosaquid profile image

      Rosaquid 4 years ago

      Fun! I, too needed the laughs tonight. Thankd!

    • lclchors profile image

      lclchors 5 years ago

      thanks for the smile I needed one tonight

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      I like funny lenses! Makes for a good start to the day. :)

    • TolovajWordsmith profile image

      Tolovaj Publishing House 6 years ago from Ljubljana

      Always in the mood for a joke.Or two, or dozen:) Thanks!

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Love this lens. Thank you so much for giving many lovely big smile to me via your joke .. classy :) Have a wonderful time.. dearest lady :)

    • NanaPoppins LM profile image

      NanaPoppins LM 6 years ago

      Cute lens!

    • CruiseReady profile image

      CruiseReady 6 years ago from East Central Florida

      You are right! We really really need something to smile about thiese days! I liked the suthern accent words. (And I'm a southerner)

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      I had a really good hearty laugh, especially with the jokes of Businessman and Lawyer.

    • ChrisDay LM profile image

      ChrisDay LM 6 years ago

      I hope you don't mind - I've copied the pencils joke into my 'Grumpy Grammar' lens - it suits well. Please confirm OK.

    • ChrisDay LM profile image

      ChrisDay LM 6 years ago

      This is truly great!