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Daily Weird #39 There's caffeine in my underpants!

Updated on April 13, 2011
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Wacoal, an “intimate apparel” company, otherwise known as the people who make really expensive underwear, has launched the iPant; a revolutionary shape-wear that shapes your waist, butt and thighs when you wear them. I think it shapes them all into giraffes, but don’t quote me on that.

This is not a girdle. Actually, it is just like girdle, but added to the “light shaping” design are porous capsules containing caffeine, retinol, caramides, vitamin E and Aloe Vera. The caffeine is supposed to help your fat go away, the vitamin E and Aloe Vera help with smoothing your bumps, the retinol helps your butt to see better (a must for moms!), and the caramides…well, I looked those up, and the best I can tell is that they’re the flag guy in the construction crew. That or they’re donut-like capsules to go with the caffeine.

“Who needs a cup of coffee in the morning? Not you! Not if you own a pair of iPants! Just stick your underwear in your mouth and chew 50 times. You'll never again have to worry about spilling coffee on your lap again!”

I asked the people at iPant if they would use the above in their advertising. They said, “No.” I’m not sure why, though, I think it would go over well. It would certainly help with distracted driving. If you spill a cup of coffee on your lap, you’re definitely distracted. Drop the underwear out of your mouth and life goes on.

The undergarments are $60 dollars a pair. They last for approximately 100 washes. That's only 60 cents each time you wear your magic panties. If you're thrifty you can get that down to only pennies. Please don't choose to be thrifty around me. 

Eventually the capsules, no matter how many friends you lose, will wear out. After that, the withdrawal your thighs go through, and how long it lasts, will be completely dependant upon whether you buy another pair of underwear, or start finding a way to bathe in coffee. This could be bad. People may have to make twice as many pots of coffee. One pot for the mugs, one for the assets.

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    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 4 years ago from Indiana

      Real.. I just saw this... you slay me!

      Deborah.. how nice of you to stop by more than one of my hubs.. and to leave a sweet comment. Have some coffee on me.... spill it on your thighs if you feel the need... I promise I won't tell.....(I'm too cheap to buy the underwear, so I just have coffee "accidents" from time to time...it's not too bad, just make sure it cools down first.)

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      this is so funny.. I love it

      debbie

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      This is all so ironic! I spent the whole morning drivng in rain so hard I couldn't see - to take my mom to get a colonoscopy! She's such a pain in the butt:)

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      LOL!!!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Beans it is!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Austin- You guys in Texas are having a tough time for sure. I don't blame you for the ramming fantasy. What a moron! I'm doing a rain dance for you, but so far it's only working here. I blew at it trying to get it to move your way, but I just ended up hyperventilating and wishing I'd put on a raincoat!

      I can't wait for the film at 11. Beans, Triscuits, and Raisin Bran- my fiber of choice. Only the beans help with the tooting though... I'd stick with those.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I love your handle! I, too, grew up in a small town- although we did have a blinking light, a drugstore (penny candy.. yea!!), and a pool hall where all the drunks would sit on the stoop and watch us school kids walk by. It was awesome.

      We totally would have done this out of boredom.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      The rain dance is done with no success. You guys are probably getting all of the moisture in the air. And today I drove behind some blonde bimbo in a Beamer who threw her lit cigarette out the window! I felt like ramming her with my big Chrysler! What a moron.

      Saw the dietician today. Can we say FIBER? This is what I need to be eating. So, maybe I'll get around to lighting my own farts, or have Bob do it. Film at 11.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Austinstar - I sure wish we could trade weather - two days ago I got hail the size of golfballs raining on our cars. We do have a garage but during the cold rainy months we let the kids use the garage for their play house. They have tables and chairs set up in there. Dave was only able to get one vehicle in quickly. Yes so he pulled his truck in to save it:)! Lol!

      Syd had a game last night - cancelled due to the fields being saturated. Maybe you should do an Indian Rain dance!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Sue - I just figured the poor girls had to be really bored! In middle school and high school I grew up in a town so darn small it wasn't on a map. Swear - it was called Murphy Flats! Ahhhh! We had a highway nearby, the grocery store was about 10 miles away. Nothing but corn fields and lots of trees! I used to use a walkie talkie and talk to truck drivers when they drove over the highway. I made my handle "Go Go Latrine"!!!! Omg! I wish I was kidding!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      And please don't do it in Texas. We are having fires all over the place. Probably started by trying to light farts. Send rain.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Austin- It was a full-body wet blanket. My toots are amazingly strong.

      OMG. I watched the video!

      First of all, I believe these girls are groupies. Did you notice the guys, the guitars, and the fact that none of these girls were wearing caffeinated panties?

      Second of all- I'm from a small town. These are medium town girls. Small town girls know enough to wear underwear AND to use a long torch lighter. No one should have a cigarette lighter that close to their tushie. They teach THAT in elementary school!

      Realho- I'm actually at a loss as to what I could ad to this video except- don't try this at home- wait until your all sloshed on booze out at your garage-band boyfriend's place....

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Omg! Austinstar - I know those kids must live in a small town:)! Lol!

      ROLFPP!!!!!!!

      Sue - Austinstar just dreamed up a new hub for you to write - video included! Or you can make your own! I'm dying!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      OMG - http://youtu.be/pOal6bMFyeI

      Pyro Chicks trying to light farts on fire.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      They used the wet blanket to cover your a$$, didn't they?

      Always remember to light fart fires with a small match only. And then only when you're naked. Your timing also has to be impeccable. Practice makes perfect! Be sure to have the video camera on a tripod and at least 8 feet away.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Austin- Surprising, isn't it! I really thought they'd think it was as super-cool as I did. They may be hot-lookin', but they're a little bit of a wet blanket.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      For setting your pants on fire? Ok, yea, I can see that.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- No. That would have been nice.

      They called me "Idiot". :O)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Woo hoo! Yeah a lot of them are such big strong men who save you in your moment of need! Oh or if you catch your own a@@ on fire!

      Do they call you hot pants? Haha!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      I tooted my own horn and caught it on fire JUST so I could call the firemen! Those guys are smooookin'!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      My step dad used to be a typesetter - he hired firemen that wanted to drive part time to deliver all his jobs. Thy were all super cool - they would tell me stories about the job. Especially about young people and drinking and driving. It worked! I miss those guys:)

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Mama likes firemen! I used to do all their bloodwork for their physicals :-)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Yeah I'm still Rolfpp:) I mean there ain't a guy out there that has anything over you sue:)! Be proud darn it! Just toot your own horn as loud as the next guy! Haha! Lucky you didn't have to call the fire department on your a@@!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I forgot to mention that if you ROFLPP.. it'll probably neutralize the fart fire....

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      ROFLPP! hahahaha

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I'm sad to admit, I had to wait. I cannot belch or fart on command. The guys always have me beat when it came to gas emissions. I'm so ashamed.....

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Omg! Sue who is cracking who up now! Oh oh oh! A blow torch! Did you have to pre-plan this operation? Or did you just have to wait to get a little gassy? LOL! Rolfpp! That's my new acronym for rolling on the floor peeing pants!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho and Austin- You both crack me up.

      Kelly you DO look like Jami Gertz. Austin, YOU look all Hollywood!

      I think it's time for you guys to go make a sitcom! Free caffeine panties to the first one to make a blow-torch fart.

      (I did that a few years ago- completely awesome... and a little freaky!)

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Corey Hart, a Canadian wrote the song. All I had to do was ask Bob. He knows all the trivia on musicians.

      Well, cool. I do wear sunglasses a lot. I had cataract surgery and I have one of those bionic eyes now. I can see close, near and far! But I still have trouble with my eyes. The allergies down here are bad for eyes.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Oh I looked - you are both way too generous! My thank you! I think you all need your eyes checked! Austin, Im with sue - you look gorgeous and mysterious with the sunglasses! It reminds me of, "I wear my sunglasses at night" who sang that song?

      Dave got the LASIK eye surgery - now he can see far away good, but not up close. It is a win/win for me! The older I get the better I look from a distance. Up close - he can't see me:) see? Lol!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      I don't know who Jami Gertz is either.

      SueRoy - you have serious vision issues, I'm going to suggest cataract surgery. I'm about as sexy as Kirstie Alley with no makeup.

      Ok, I agree, Kelly looks like Jami.

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Oh I have always wondered about that! How weird. I wish I could have worked on that study. I loved doing the sleep research projects. The guy that headed our lab was the president of the national sleep foundation. I was always trying to get them to do dream research. They always said no:(

      I'm going to have to google Jami Gertz Sue- is that the dogs name on lassie or something? Haha!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Everyone seems to think so. I believe someone did a study and found that it wasn't true, but who knows. I've also noticed a busy trend on new moon nights. I don't know if there is a correlation or not, but the weirder patients show up on full moons anyway.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Austin- No, you look all tall and sexy.

      Have you noticed that Realho looks like a blonde Jami Gertz?

      Oh, and I triple dog dare you!!!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Oh you know they did! I worked in the ER for about a year - I'm telling you! I worked in registration, so I saw it all from start to finish:). At Barnes - and you know what - on full moons were planned to be very busy. It always was really busy on full moon nights:) pun intended but true! Austinstar is it true at your hospital too?

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      The doctor probably did not need or want an explanation. But I'll bet he had a good laugh passing the tale (pun intended) around to the other docs!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      I knew these two guys when I was young - the boys were teenagers, one of them decided to let the other guy try to light a fart. Do not try this at home! It set his pants on fire and I'm totally not kidding! How do ya think he explained that to the doctor? Lol!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Sueroy, do I look fat in this sitcom? hahaha. I have to be the one to set RealHo's pants on fire? Why me? Ok, but you have to double dog dare me...

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I believe that would be Austin's department! :)

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Austin- I'm waiting for the sitcom based on your life. It's going to be a HUGE hit! :)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Sue - I need somebody to set my underpants on fire. Maybe then I could get something done around here!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      You nailed it Sueroy! Then the Texan in me opens up a can of Whoopass on myself. It's always fun in my brain.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- Liar, liar, caffeinated panties on fire!!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Austin- I'm worried about you. Does the French part of you ever get into a fight with the Irish? If so, do you walk around slapping yourself silly until finally you get out a hatchet and threaten to scalp yourself if everyone doesn't start getting along?

      I think this explains a lot! :)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      I see London, I see France

      I see sues caffeinated underpants!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Texan to the bone! Since I'm really a mix of Injun, French, Irish, and who knows, it's all I can really claim!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Drbj- LOL! Yes, I guess we showed him! Wow. Wouldn't it be hilarious to be able to go back in time and get this guy, then bring him to the current year. I wonder if his heart could take it?

      Thank you for the compliment, and the Picasso comment. Chelsea will blush. :O)

      Thank you also for always taking the time to come by and make my "comment hub" just THAT much more awesome!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Pamela- I believe the fat goes to Star Bucks- they use it in their Lattes.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Mysterylady- I have the best commenters ever! It's like a hub within (or under) a hub! Austin has a very interesting life!

      Thanks for liking the coffee underwear. I'll pass that on to Chelsea! Oh, and I believe these are girdle-like, and I'm with you. Too much trouble. Just pass the coffee!

      Thanks for stopping by, too. I'm way behind in my hub reading- I need to see if you have anything new! (I'm designating Friday"hub reading day")

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Susan- You make an excellent point! Pass the cream and sugar!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Austin- if I didn't know you were from Texas BEFORE that story, I sure as heck would know you were now!

      Awesome... and funny! I'll bet if you looked close you would have found a trail of pee! ROFL!!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- again, it's a good thing I scour the world to bring you this important information. You are SO welcome!

      "tidy whities and blue pill pants?"... OMG, you crack me up!

      You do realize you are a big reason people skip my hubs and go right to the comments, don't you?! :)

      If I ever become independently wealthy, I'm going to send you a pair of these along with a certificate for free Star Bucks.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      And that guy in the Patent Office in the 1890s (I think his name was Duell) insisted that everything had already been invented then. Just goes to show what did he know?

      Funny, funny product, sue, and even funnier hub. Tell Chelsea her artwork would make Picasso proud.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Hey, they're having a sale! Hurry

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 6 years ago from United States

      Where does the fat go? At lease any lumps will disappear. I'm sticking with my regular coffee.

    • mysterylady 89 profile image

      mysterylady 89 6 years ago from Florida

      I, too, like Chelsea's drawing! I also got a kick out of Austinstar's panty-theft tale.

      This shapewear sounds too much like a girdle to me. How I hated those things!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      HMM you have a good point there Sue but it does say it will take the fat away so why not indulge in cream and sugar. :)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      While the economy is bad, I'm not that hungry yet! Hopefully......you know.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      This is a true story. When I was a kid there were some boys in the neighborhood (probably trying to date my older sister) who were stealing panties out of our house and from the clothesline. One night, my mom thought she heard the culprit out in the back yard and she grabbed the shotgun and fired off a round to scare them. The next day we hauled in a bunch of holey underwear off the line. Whoever the thief was, and we had our suspicions, the panty theft ended after that.

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Why, Oh why, is this not on the front page of every newspaper?

      This is important science.

      Taking a look at this from the male perspective, which, despite the househusbanding thing, I believe I'm still qualified to present, the coffee slimmed hips of the wicked siren women will, in combination with our combination" tidy-whities and little blue pill pants" have a dramatic impact.

      Better living through modern clothing...

      C

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- please remember that you have a strict "no chewing" policy. Step away from the underwear!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Austin- leave it to you to find the pervert angle!

      Yes, if you wear them on your head for 28 days changes will occur. You will end up with beady eyes, a pug nose, and no friends.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- Thank you for being thrifty elsewhere. It's a good thing you're not chewing and being thrifty at the same time. That could get ugly.

      Thanks for rolling on the floor. I love it when people do that!! :)

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Susan- would that defeat the purpose? Maybe Non-fat dairy creamer and a sweet-n-low?

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      BreakfastPop- I've been doing that for the last 5 days. No change yet, but I'll keep you updated.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Mentalist- ewwwwww. :)

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      poorconservative- Thanks for the kudos and the laughs!

      I really liked Chelsea's take on the caffeinated underwear- I'm glad someone else did too! (so is she)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Omg! I just ran out of coffee, now where are those underpants?!

    • Austinstar profile image

      Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Oh boy, now perverts have an excuse for chewing underwear! "You see, Mr. Policeman, I wasn't stealing underwear and chewing on them for sexual excitement! I was just getting my caffeine fix!"

      If you wear them over your head will they shape your mind?

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Omg! I promise not to be thrifty around you! I also do not want to chew my underwear even 1 time!

      Rolf sue - you are too much! Hilarious!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Can I get those with 1 sugar and cream please.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      Can I just pour a cup of luke warm coffee down my pants? Inquiring minds want to know.

    • Mentalist acer profile image

      Mentalist acer 6 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

      The next best thing to a coffee ennema,I guess?:-))

    • poorconservative1 profile image

      poorconservative1 6 years ago

      Outstanding art work and outstanding Hub. This one is almost as funny as the mankini. Although it made me laugh just as hard. My sides are hurting again. Another Up and Awesome.

      Thanks

      Chuck

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Will- I see a woman telling me she's a Mormon, so yeah, I'm thinking we're looking at different ads! :)

      That coffee-drinking pair of underwear is my daughter's handiwork. She wants to be Picasso. I keep telling her Picasso did cubes, not coffee and underwear, but she's insistent.

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Is that you modeling the body shaper thing? Are those coffee panties?

      (Or do you see different ads than I do?)

      I'm just asking.