Emily The Bachelorette Ep 7: One Night Stand-Off

The big Bachelorette scandal of the season came this episode courtesy of Arie-The-Alleged-Trousersnake. Apparently, he had a “brief romantic affair” AKA a one-night stand with one of the producers/Emily’s fake best friend a decade ago. Even more interesting than the tryst itself (since Arie didn’t really seem to remember it), was the way it all played out during a one-on-one date with Emily and Arie.

Chris Harrison, or the Angel of Relationship Death as he’s known on the weekends, gave the audience at home the lowdown on how Cassie, the forgotten lust-object, finally confessed to Emily that she had known (carnally?) one of Emily’s suitors. This conversation took place off-camera, but it was switched on in time to get her reaction to the news. Needless to say, she wasn’t doing cartwheels.

In turn, Emily tried to coax Arie into confessing his interlude, by dropping the word “secret” about 200 times in one conversation. Finally, Arie admitted the shocking truth…. he had had a tattoo removed. Gasp! Princess Emily apparently gave the signal to cut the cameras and they had the “real” conversation. Chris Harrison returned to let everyone know that the issue had been magically resolved and we’d flash forward to later in the date to watch the renewed couple makeout like experimental college students.

Honestly, I believe that Arie did not remember hooking up with ol’ Cassie girl and they tried to save her some humiliation by not airing that confession. To ensure a hometown date, Arie made sure to drop the L-Bomb on Emily and all was rosy in Bacheloretteland.

Emily took the Wolfman, more often known as John (still no reason has been given for his banner saying “Wolf”), to see the John Lennon Wall. She gave a detailed historical description—which lovely Cassie probably wrote for her—of the landmark.

This was a much less eventful encounter than the soap opera that occurred the previous day. They ate dinner in a dungeon, of course, like most people do on their first-ish date. John spoke in short, clipped sentences as usual. Emily smiled a lot and overthought their relationship. I yawned and it was over.

After the Wolf was returned to his den, Sean decided to carpe diem and ran through the streets screaming “EMMMMILLLLAAAAYYYY” like some kind of weird blonde-eyebrowed Rocky. Like a good stalker, he caught up with her and they proceeded to makeout in the streets. Probably a way better ending to that date than she could have predicted.

Just when you thought you couldn’t cringe anymore, Doug arrived on scene. He missed every hint of friend vibe Emily was throwing him on the group date. He gave a strange speech of thanksgiving and talked about his kid.

Having had enough, Emily took him outside in the rain to send him off into that good night, but even then he was clueless to what was going down. Instead of recognizing that he was about to be put in a cab, he took the opportunity to lay the most 2^nd-grade level kiss on Emily mid-sentence. The only thing Emily could do was to thank him. There are middle school dances less awkward than that. Finally, she told him it wasn’t going to work between them and then he really felt like a jackleg. It was pretty awful all around.

Crazy Chris hit his breaking point this week. He broke some records for being the sulkiest contestant to make it this far. He spent a lot of time hugging pillows and talking about his feelings. Seriously, what are the psychological requirements for these people?

Doug’s departure left Sean and Chris in a not-really-a-group-date-anymore situation. When Sean received the rose, I gripped my couch and readied for a Chrispocalypse. Instead, he held his breath and cried before, during, and after the rose ceremony. It makes me think, if he teamed up with Kalon, it would be like John Wayne Gacey and Ted Bundy playing Bonnie & Clyde. I sure hope the producers don’t put them both on the same season of Bachelor Pad or everyone is in danger.

Jef was lucky enough to score one of the creepiest dates of all time. Puppet therapy. Ok, not really, but it sure seemed like that’s what it was. Emily couldn’t get Jef to express his emotions except when he was playing marionette—which he pretended was his first time, but dude was clearly a master.

The most hilarious point in the date was when Emily said “I see myself walking into Jef’s office one day…” Man that really got me. By “office” she means “playroom” right? The other odd moment was when Jef mentioned that his parents are “committed” to stay in South Carolina for a few years, so she won’t meet them on the hometown date. Are they on parole?

On the bright side, they seemed to talk about more serious stuff during this date, like kids and jobs. But it felt like I was watching 16-year olds discussing the future—“Like, I totally can’t wait to marry you after graduation. You’re so cute, our babies will be so cute. Life will be butterflies.” Makes me nervous.

“I’m a starter, not a closer.”—John (Really, he’s neither)

“I feel really stupid.”—Doug (After watching that sad attempt at a kiss, we all feel stupid, my friend.)

“I’m stoked.”—Jef (Of course you are, bro.)

Arie

Jef

Sean

Chris