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Funny House Quotes: The best quotes from House M.D.

Updated on January 29, 2013
Dr. House and 2 colleagues.
Dr. House and 2 colleagues.

The original House Soundtrack CD

Funny House Quotes

Here are some funny quotes from my favorite show, House M.D. from all seasons. I hope you enjoy them :). There are a lot of funny and inspirational quotes and sentences in House, I only tried to choose some of the unforgettable ones to share them with you. So here we go:

  • House: "Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear."
    "You're just mad that he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are."
    "And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world."
  • House: "She needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win-win."

I remember this one when House told his team that that have to steal Cuddy's thong... It was just brilliant:D

  • House to Cuddy: You are not wearing any underwear?
    Cuddy: Of course I'm wea.....
    House: With a skirt that tight you have got no secrets, with a skirt that tight I can tell if you got an IUD.
  • House: Can't take the case. I don't have a team.
    Cuddy: So hire a team.
    House:...What for? I don't have a case.
  • Cuddy: I think we are supposed to kiss now!
    House:We already did that.
    House grabs her ****: Seems like the logical next step!

  • House: Cuddy over-reacted to my over-reaction!

  • House: "You gotta get over here. They got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but..."

  • House: Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots cause we can't figure out what's causing it.

  • House: A monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do. That's all it was.

  • House to his team: I need you to bring me th thong....of Lisa Cuddy!

  • House: "Cancer plays the field. Metastasis is just a fancy word for 'screws around.'"

And with his great wisdom he can surprise you with somethings like:

  • House: People hate people who have theories about people...

  • House: Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything. ( I really loved this episode).

  • House to Cuddy: ..But your eyes tell us.....but your eyes tell us nothing because we are looking at your boobs!

Dr. House and Wilson arguing.
Dr. House and Wilson arguing.

More funny quotes from House M.D.

  • House:I love Cuddy....ummm, parts of her.

  • Wilson: I love my wife.
    House: You certainly love saying it.

  • An old man: "You´re Dr. House, aren´t you?"
    House: "Oh God, don´t tell we used to date.

  • Actress: Are you really a doctor?
    House: GLIOBLASTOMA....need another proof?

  • Cameron: Men should grow up.
    House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.
    (Actually, most of his conversations with Cameron are funny, just tried to select the best.)

  • (This is one of my facorite scenes in the show:
    House: Where are u going?
    Wilson: Out to lunch.
    House: You never go out to lunch, which mean there is a reason you go out to lunch and I assume that reason is a human being?
    Wilson: Or a sandwitch.
    House: Sandwiches can come here!...
    Wilson: So as human beings!
    House: Yeah, but she is not here which I found interesting.
    Wilson: I'm leaving now.
    House: Small world!
    Wilson: Are you going to follow me into my car?
    (.....................The conversation ends by Wilson running away away through the door!.)

  • House: Something is wrong with coma guy's cable.

  • House: I know how to kill a man with my thumb.
    Cuddy: Who doesn't!

  • Cuddy: A little part of me...
    House (interrupting): There is no little part of you!
    (One of the funniest moments :))

  • Foreman: "You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook..."
    House: "It's never lupus."

  • House: There's a bullet in his head.
    Cameron: He was shot?
    House: No ... somebody threw it at him.

  • Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
    House: And the reason you want respect...?
    Wilson: To...get laid.

  • House: Amazing. A man with only two words at his disposal can still lie.

  • House to Wilson: The cutest little tenis outfit, I think I was gonna have a heart attack.
    Cuddy: Who's your hooker doing?
    House: Funny story, she was going to be hospital administrator, but she hated to screw people like that.

  • House: Now we're getting somewhere.
    Foreman: Where?
    House: I have no idea.


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    • Mezo profile image

      Motaz 7 years ago from Egypt

      me too :D thanks a lot :)

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 7 years ago from Sunny Florida

      I like "Cuddy over reacted to my over reaction" I think House is one of the better shows on tv. Great quotes.

    • Mezo profile image

      Motaz 7 years ago from Egypt

      Ocbill. thnx a lot my friend :)

    • ocbill profile image

      ocbill 7 years ago from hopefully somewhere peaceful and nice

      good lines especially the coma guy.