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Getting Revenge On Nuisance Callers

Updated on February 15, 2014

We've all been there: the phone rings, you pick it up and there's a stranger on the other end trying to sell you something that you'll never want or need. Here are some suggestions as to how you could make the experience of nuisance callers a little less unbearable, and maybe even quite entertaining...

Things To Do During The Phone Conversation

  1. Politely say that you will pass the phone over to the householder before handing it to your 2 year old sibling/child.
  2. Tell the caller that they are 10th in the queue and request that they 'please hold the line'. You can then proceed to hum the entirety of the 'Star Wars' theme tune.
  3. Act as if you think you recognise the person who's calling. Say phrases like:

    - 'Kevin, I know it's you.'

    - 'Honestly, Kevin, cut it out! No idiot talks in that stupid voice in real life anyway.'

  4. Speak in your own made-up foreign language, adding in the odd phrase such as, ' Me no speak no English'.
  5. Laugh hysterically each time the caller speaks. Throw in remarks such as 'You're just too funny', 'That's a good one' and 'Stop it! I can't breathe!'.
  6. Say inappropriate remarks to the caller such as 'Please say that once again - you're voice is like heaven to me' and 'How would you like to be introduced to my mother?'. Then, attempt to get personal information off of them, such as their email, mobile number and home address.
  7. Repeat everything that the caller says.
  8. Speak extremely sssssllllooooooooooooooooowwwwwllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
  9. If you can't bear the thought of any interaction with your unwelcome caller you could always try the classic pick up but don't speak response.
  10. In the middle of the call suddenly burst into tears and launch into a 5 minute long monologue about how your boyfriend/girlfriend has just broken up with you. Interrupt any attempts to talk from the caller with violent sobs and dramatic gasps of breath.
  11. Each time the caller says something pretend that you've misheard them. Don't even bother making your mistakes seem genuine. For example:

    ~ Caller - 'Are you happy with your kitchen at the moment?'

    ~ You - 'What! Mother's a giant sea turtle and she loves Rebecca Black? You disgust me!'

  12. Bark like a dog down the phone.
  13. Purr seductively down the phone.
  14. Explain to the caller that it's your little girl's birthday and say that it would make her day if they would sing 'Happy Birthday' to her. Adopting the voice of a 5 year old excitedly say, 'Hello!' and listen to the embarrassed caller humiliate themselves.
  15. Others have mentioned some great ideas in the comments section below. Why not take a look...

From Amazon - Must have items for any savvy phone user...

Fisher-Price Brilliant Basics Chatter Telephone
Fisher-Price Brilliant Basics Chatter Telephone

Why not practise your responses to nuisance callers on one of these little gadgets!

 
Manners on the Telephone (Way To Be!: Manners)
Manners on the Telephone (Way To Be!: Manners)

Nuisance callers could learn a thing or two from this!

 

So...

How do you feel about nuisance calls?

See results

A Tom Mabe response to telemarketers... - Help me, I've been kidnapped!

Final Note

The suggestions listed on this lens are light-hearted ways of winding up unwanted callers and making nuisance calls slightly less painful for you. Please don't be threatening/abusive towards telemarketers - they are only doing their job. :)

How about you? - What do you think of nuisance callers? How do you deal with them?

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    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 3 years ago

      @anonymous: How annoying! I'm the same lol most of the calls I get aren't even for me!

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 3 years ago

      @anonymous: Oh my gosh!! That was a bright idea! Would feel a bit bad for the caller though... bet they lost their job.

    • profile image

      anonymous 3 years ago

      Re-visting your Lens, I get it all the time and I've now found that because telephone companies here in England UK have run out of numbers for landlines we are stuck with old businesses. When I was with one company they'd given me one number and this guy rowed with me down the phone that I was this other women he knew and I wasn't but he kept calling me up so I rang virgin and complained. They then gave me knew number I became an accountancy who hadn't sorted out this number from the internet it was all over google as a local acountance, and now... I am a cafe up the road however I have found the people calling me this time friendly its just annoying my phone rings every five minutes with people trying to sell me somehting!

    • profile image

      anonymous 3 years ago

      I think that these companies should not be allowed to annoy people, still I remember a man told a caller that he was going to charge them for his time the caller said ok then. He recorded the call and then invoiced the company then never paid so he took them to court and won. They paid out so it could be quite profitable :-)

      still I think when you answer you could talk like a Darlek or Elmo.

    • SimonJay profile image

      SimonJay 3 years ago

      Yes these callers really annoy the hell out of me to the point i don't pick up my phone at the end of the day some of these people are legit but i can't tell you how many people try and scam around this area via phone claiming to be well know companies.

    • flycatcherrr profile image

      flycatcherrr 3 years ago

      I'm on the Do Not Call list of course, but the scammers are not put off. I used to keep a very loud whistle by the phone, but now I've decided it's much more fun to waste as much of their time as possible - usually by pretending to be inebriated, giggly, slightly flirtatious, and not too bright. :)

    • aesta1 profile image

      Mary Norton 3 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Don't get that here in Hanoi but when we're home in Canada, I will try to do some of these. This will be fun to do.

    • aesta1 profile image

      Mary Norton 3 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Don't get that here in Hanoi but when we're home in Canada, I will try to do some of these. This will be fun to do.

    • savateuse profile image

      savateuse 3 years ago

      My favourite response is to say "oh, are you the guy interested in buying the car" and then proceed to describe a car. They usually hang up immediately.

      Another I like is to say "hold on a moment" and just put the phone to one side for a few minutes. Funny, they're always gone by the time I pick up the phone again....

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @SteveKaye: Ahaha! I love that so much!

    • LisaMarieGabriel profile image

      Lisa Marie Gabriel 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      I once pretended to be an evangelical and tried to convert the caller. It was great fun. I kept saying things like "Computers are the work of the Devil" and "Have YOU thought about God today?" It drove him away and I didn't get any more calls for months.

    • profile image

      SteveKaye 4 years ago

      I once asked a caller, "How do I know you're not one of these telephone scams that tricks people into making a donation and actually keeps their money like I heard about last week on the radio while I was washing my car on the driveway with a hose and soapy water with a big sponge that I bought from my local auto dealer . . . . Huh? How do I know that you're really honest and . . . .

      Now I let my answer system collect the call. Then I put telemarketing numbers on a blacklist so that they get a continuous ring if the call again.

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @LisaMarieGabriel: Oh I love that! Can't wait to try that one! :)

    • SusannaDuffy profile image

      Susanna Duffy 4 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I just tell them I'm too busy with a sick baby/mother with dementia/or just plain stirring the stew. Then, I ask them not to phone me again.I don't think there's any need to be rude

    • Legenden profile image

      Legenden 4 years ago

      Nice advice! :)

    • profile image

      traveldestinations 4 years ago

      Great advice.

    • shellys-space profile image

      Shelly Sellers 4 years ago from Midwest U.S.A.

      My son loves to the answer the phone and say something silly and hang up on them!

    • MelaniePaige13 profile image

      Melanie Paige 4 years ago from Adelaide, South Australia

      Love it! Normally I'm not brave enough to do something like this, but that video is hilarious, and that list - now I want to try it! I must keep this bookmarked and make a note so if a telemarketer ever calls me, I know how to handle it :)

      Thank you so much for sharing this amusing lens!

    • profile image

      othellos 4 years ago

      Very interesting lens. You suggest a lot of solutions to this frequent nowadays problem. Sometimes though I talk to them because I know that they are working hard for that, something that I am not sure if I would ever be able to do it. Nice presentation:=)

    • socialcx1 profile image

      socialcx1 4 years ago

      Very clever and I will use some of your suggestions.

    • Socialpro54 LM profile image

      Socialpro54 LM 4 years ago

      Funny and entertaining, nice lens

    • Socialpro54 LM profile image

      Socialpro54 LM 4 years ago

      Funny and entertaining, nice lens

    • profile image

      electrolion 4 years ago

      This is very funny and entertaining. Thanks for cheering me up.

    • David Stone1 profile image

      David Stone 4 years ago from New York City

      Got rid of them when we disconnected our land line. All cell for us for just that reason.

    • profile image

      morcash 4 years ago

      Thanks for liking my 1st lens!! And so, I had to come by... I loved this lens of yours! Funny!! Interestingly, I don't answer any number I don't recognize..Google number first, then I can block the call number OR make the calling number ring silently. (They never know and I never hear the call.) ;D

    • TolovajWordsmith profile image

      Tolovaj Publishing House 4 years ago from Ljubljana

      You sure are a wicked lady:)

    • profile image

      smsr0100451 4 years ago

      Really irritating calls while I am in office. I enjoyed while I am free. Good tips.

    • myraggededge profile image

      myraggededge 4 years ago

      We're on the TPS register but they still call asking for the people who lived here 11 years ago. I have a range of tactics - but I think I'll adopt some of yours!

    • shewins profile image

      shewins 4 years ago

      Funny! The worst repeat nuisance caller I have is Google. They want me to "update my listing." No matter how many times I tell them to take me off their list, they keep calling.

    • LiteraryMind profile image

      Ellen Gregory 4 years ago from Connecticut, USA

      I put our name on the Federal Do Not Call list, so they are not supposed to call me. Therefore, I tell them I am on the list, if they call me again I will report them. I will try some of your methods on the second and third time callers.

    • profile image

      anitabreeze 4 years ago

      Pretty funny suggestions!

    • junkcat profile image

      junkcat 4 years ago

      I usually play their games and ask a lot of questions or pretend that I don't understand what they are talking about.

    • profile image

      BarbsSpot 4 years ago

      @Lensmaster...Nice, basically polite rejection tips for those unwanted calls -- Love it!

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      What a joy to read! You've provided lots of good ideas that made me laugh! I can't wait to try them. I say that as a former telemarketer from many years ago! We do get nuisance calls from folks who call repeatedly. We remember the numbers and simply don't answer. A family member used to answer "police department" and the caller would hang up! Worked well. Thanks also for including the caution about not being abusive or threatening.

    • dakadare profile image

      dakadare 4 years ago

      Ha!Ha!Ha! Excellent!!

    • HeidiFoundNemo profile image

      Krys Cortez 4 years ago from Houston, Texas

      I have laughed myself silly over this lens! I truly appreciate it! Good one!

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @Gloriousconfusion: Certainly sounds like you know how to handle them!

    • Gloriousconfusion profile image

      Diana Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      I've taken to saying "Would you like my bank details and pin number?". I just hear a gasp at the other end of the phone, and they hang up. Another one is to say "Do you know what you're doing is illegal - I'm on the Telephone Preference Service and you're breaking the law by phoning me"......their phone goes dead so quickly that you know they know they are breaking the law!

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      It depends on who calls; sometimes they launch into their script and I tell them I know they are reading a script but I'm not interested and don't want to take up their time. I once worked as telemarketer for a non profit(a good and honest cause) and I know they have these awful scripts. Usually there is someone walking around making sure they are following the script. And there are prizes for those who make the most sales; funny thing though; like most things it's political; the ones who have worked for the company the longest, get to talk "off script" and therefore they make more calls and sales. (the supervisors rarely reprimand them.) I like your lens. Easy to read and to the point.

    • bornot2b1 profile image

      bornot2b1 4 years ago

      Some of the nuisance callers are real annoying, since the same people call over and over again and again (and politeness get nowhere with them). I had to bear with that for a long time, then In the end, I just walked away, and let them continuing with their speech... They let me alone afterwards, thank God!

    • happy-birthday profile image

      Birthday Wishes 4 years ago from Here

      I always let them tell their story, and then I say; "No, thanks". Cool lens!!!

    • rstaveley lm profile image

      Richard Staveley 4 years ago from Burley in Wharfedale, Yorkshire, England

      Great stuff! I get these calls all the time and I just put the phone down. Might try some of your suggestions though!

    • IMKZRNU2 profile image

      IMKZRNU2 4 years ago from Pacific Northwest

      Very funny lens! My mom has always done things like this to telemarketers or political callers. I think she might have learned from my grandfather (her dad) because he used to answer the phone City Morgue whenever someone called....

    • afropages lm profile image

      afropages lm 4 years ago

      I enjoyed reading your list. They don't really bother me that much because I once was a telemarketer ;)

    • BusyQueen profile image

      BusyQueen 4 years ago

      Oh gosh they just get on my nerves! I tell them, me no speak no english lol lol while meowing (meow meow) at them and then find out it is a family member or friend that I have not heard from in years. OMG!

    • imagelist lm profile image

      imagelist lm 4 years ago

      Cool...interesting content...

    • Alrady profile image

      Alrady 4 years ago

      Most o fthe time I ask them to add me to the do not call list. I sometimes ask for supervisor but my favorite is my dad's line: You'll have to speak to my wife, she's down the road - I'll go dig her up cause she's at ___ mortiary. LOL another one he uses is What What What all the time... gets to the caller. AHHAH Good Lense.

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @LaurenIM: Be careful what you wish for! :)

    • Underrated profile image

      Underrated 4 years ago

      Next time someone starts bugging me I'll use these advices

    • LaurenIM profile image

      LaurenIM 4 years ago

      oh HAHAHAAH! STOP! This lens is soooooo funny! I want to use some of them so badly that I'm now hoping to get a nuisance caller so I could try it out on them!!!

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @jkolnick: None at all? Wow you're so lucky!

    • profile image

      ConvenientCalendar 4 years ago

      The spam texts on my phone is annoying!

    • profile image

      jkolnick 4 years ago

      Too Bad we do not have telemarketing here in Malaysia or I would try this.

    • Cynthia Haltom profile image

      Cynthia Haltom 4 years ago from Diamondhead

      Clever ideas

    • profile image

      MaryMitchell 4 years ago

      Some great and hilarious ideas for nuisance callers, but I'm not sure I've got the nerve to use them!

    • profile image

      ChristyZ 4 years ago

      OMG, that video clip was hilarious!! That's terrible, but so funny. Very funny lens! I have to admit...I've done #9 quite a few times, lol.

    • siobhanryan profile image

      siobhanryan 4 years ago

      Don't like them

    • NoYouAreNot profile image

      NoYouAreNot 4 years ago

      "they are only doing their job" -- ok, this is such a lame excuse that makes me soooo mad! I mean, even a hangman, or a paid killer could claim the same: "I'm just doing my job"

      I usually say: "Madam not here, please. I Filipino help, sorry"

    • Kailua-KonaGirl profile image

      June Parker 4 years ago from New York

      OMG - these are way too funny. Great lens. Couldn't Squid Bless it so I pinned it to my "Great Quotes" board.

    • writerkath profile image

      writerkath 4 years ago

      @NibsyNell: You are welcome! I've gotten more than a few laughs from listening to him. Unless the videos are restricted by Tom Mabe's company, you should be able to share them. If not, at least you can send people to them.

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @writerkath: Oh my... this guy's a genius! :) Definitely gonna put one up here now! Thanks so much for your suggestions! :)

    • writerkath profile image

      writerkath 4 years ago

      You might enjoy some of the youtube videos of Tom Mabe and his interactions with telemarketers. Just search his name on youtube, and listen to a few - you might even be able to include one or two here on your lens!

    • EsotericAllusion profile image

      EsotericAllusion 4 years ago

      Great ideas and I would like to do some of these things when I get annoyed by some callers, however then it occurs to me that they are often just trying to do their job and earn some money. Good lens though for a laugh.

    • Splodgered profile image

      Splodgered 4 years ago

      great lens, made me laugh out loud. I am definitely going to get the next caller to sing happy birthday to my daughter. Brilliant

    • Fit And Fab profile image

      Fit And Fab 4 years ago

      I really like your # 1 and # 3 ideas. There is a song by Gotye called "Thanks for your time" that would work well with this lens. Enjoyable read. Thanks :-)

    • profile image

      Auriel 4 years ago

      I'll just ignore it.

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @SquidooPower: Ahaha! Thanks! :)

    • SquidooPower profile image

      SquidooPower 4 years ago

      LOL! I LOVE this lens. I have done many similar things myself (when I was a landlubber that is). Love your sense of humor.

    • profile image

      Doc_Holliday 4 years ago

      There are some great ideas here. I'm really going to use them.

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @centralplexus: Oh yes! That does rather ruin the effect lol! Thank you! :)

    • centralplexus profile image

      centralplexus 4 years ago

      Ingenious! Some of these are really tempting to try out. So far I've been using the classic "pick up and don't speak" approach, works like a charm, unless there is someone near you and goes like: "who's on the phone, why aren't you speaking??" LoL . Nice job!

    • profile image

      trishafly 4 years ago

      I'm really good at hanging up. Clever lens!

    • Zach Spangler profile image

      Zach Spangler 4 years ago

      Honestly, did you make these all up? That is amazing.. I'm totally giving it to my little brother hahaha

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      I have no more Nuisance calls, I used the "you reached a Government Agency" line! It worked very well!! :D ;D

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @renewedfaith2day: Hehe! Thank you! :)

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @Loretta L: Ahaha, sounds like your dad certainly knew how to handle them! :) And yes, two year olds definitely can come in useful lol! :)

    • Loretta L profile image

      Loretta Livingstone 4 years ago from Chilterns, UK.

      As most of them are scammers I have now decided to tell them they need prayer as they are scammers, and I will remember them in my prayers. My dad used to let them go on and on about home improvements then tell them he lived in a rented flat. If I had a two year old I would definitely hand the phone over to the, maybe I can borrow one.

    • renewedfaith2day profile image

      renewedfaith2day 4 years ago

      This may very well be the most important list in the history of human kind.

    • profile image

      AngelaKane 4 years ago

      I can't stand them, the best way I deal with them is to take the phone off the hook.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      "get one of those dog horns and blow it right into the receiver believe damper their day"

    • Niko2 profile image

      Niko2 4 years ago

      This made me feel good - thanks

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @moralblogger lm: Good one! :)

    • Keith J Winter profile image

      Keith Winter 4 years ago from Spain

      Excellent list. I used to feel guilty about being abrupt on the phone, but now I just hang up. After all, I am I really likely to ever meet them again?

    • Dusty2 LM profile image

      Dusty2 LM 4 years ago

      I like your list of light-hearted ways of dealing with unwanted telemarketers calling. I screen all calls and have caller ID to identify caller. if it is someone I don't know; I don't answer or call back. Period! (^_-)

    • moralblogger lm profile image

      moralblogger lm 4 years ago

      Great responses! I usually tell them that I have to have their name, home address and personal home phone number before I can proceed as this call is being monitored for training purposes....they almost always hang up!

    • profile image

      Elastara 4 years ago

      Thanks for sharing how to deal with them.

    • SandyMertens profile image

      Sandy Mertens 4 years ago from Frozen Tundra

      Great advice. I hate nuisance callers.

    • worldflashpacker profile image

      worldflashpacker 4 years ago

      Great advice. Thanks for sharing.

    • worldflashpacker profile image

      worldflashpacker 4 years ago

      Great advice. Thanks for sharing.

    • Lynda Makara profile image

      Lynda Makara 4 years ago from California

      Telemarketers drive me crazy! I try to get their company name so I can report them for calling me when I'm on the Do Not Call list. Then I just hang up or blow a loud whistle and then hang up.

    • joanhall profile image

      Joan Hall 4 years ago from Los Angeles

      I used to do Technique #1 a lot (give the phone to the 2-year-old). The child who was 2 years old back then is now 13 and loves to play mind games with unwanted callers. He will sometimes act like he's trying to turn the conversation around and sell THEM something. And one time he started asking a home security company whether their service would protect us from laser beams and aliens.

    • profile image

      anonymous 4 years ago

      thank you for visiting my lenses

    • FatLossDiva profile image

      FatLossDiva 4 years ago

      Some good ones here. :) Great lens.

    • pigwear profile image

      pigwear 4 years ago

      Just tell them your busy right now and if they could have your phone number you will call them back when they are at home tonight.

      Great Article!!!!

    • BritFlorida profile image

      Jackie Jackson 4 years ago from Fort Lauderdale

      I just say 'oh, you need to speak to my husband. Just a minute, I'll get him' and then just leave them hanging on until they give up and hang up themselves.

    • NibsyNell profile image
      Author

      NibsyNell 4 years ago

      @one FatJesus1: Ahaha! Well I'll certainly try that next time!

    • one FatJesus1 profile image

      one FatJesus1 4 years ago

      Oh lawd, my sides. Sometimes I just yell like a madman if someone like that calls then hang up.

    • Fridayonmymind LM profile image

      Fridayonmymind LM 4 years ago

      If it's an Indian call centre and it usually is, my son just starts talking about the cricket.

    • Countryluthier profile image

      E L Seaton 4 years ago from Virginia

      Awesome tactics for dealing with the interrupters of the sanctity of one's home. Well done1

    • Motionmaker profile image

      Motionmaker 4 years ago

      Funnny! Great article! I love the first one since it's so easy and it will also entertain your toddler.