Jokes4U/Comedians from around the World
Jokes 4U - You'll Laugh Your Socks Off
Jokes have been a part of human culture since at least 1900 BC, and we all love a good laugh. A joke is something spoken, written, or done with humorous intention, and that is my sole intentions, to make you laugh, smile, and feel good at what you read.
So how do you tell a good Joke?
Firstly, if you hear a good joke, how do you ensure it stays in your memory? Why note write it down or use voice memo in your cell phone!
Before you tell it, make sure you have it memorized, if you have to double back and interrupt your momentum to give the audience information you forgot to give them in the first place, the joke's dead.
Live and Laugh!
Lastly but not least, I apologize in advance if anyone gets offended with any material, this was certainly not my intentions, so please sit back, read on and have a good laugh.
Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman & Welshman
A Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman, and Welshman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman speaks up first, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of my country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of my beautiful country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
A few additional pointers!
- If something out of your control interrupts you in mid-joke, take a minute to see what happens. The momentum is probably dead, but if your listeners return their attention to you hoping to hear the rest, pick up where you left off. Do not make a big deal about the interruption. What if they don't return their attention to you? Cut your losses and move on.
- Don't rush the joke. Speak at a reasonable pace - not so slowly that you bore the crowd, but not so fast that important words get garbled. Pace and coherence are very important in the joke - make sure you have both.
- Make eye contact with the people you're telling the joke to, and distribute it evenly. This involves each person as if you're talking directly to them, but be sure to alter your eye contact so as not to focus on any one person.
- Don't laugh at your own joke. Your own laughter can break your momentum as much as any other interruption.
Most importantly - commit to the joke. Believe in the joke and in your ability to tell it in a funny way.
- Of course, if you've followed the advice above and put your best foot forward, then you're on your way to becoming the hit of any gathering, party or speaking engagement.
Who better to start with than one of the best comedians that ever came out of Scotland :-)
1. Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."
Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."
2. A guy walks into an Edinburgh library and says to the lady librarian, Excuse me miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?
To which she looks at him over the top of her glasses and says "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"
3. A very popular man dies in Scotland and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Edinburgh Evening News and says, 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband.'
The man at the desk says, 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'
The old woman replies, 'Â£5' to which the man says, 'Ye won't get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok.'
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.
The man reads 'Hamish Broon, fae Edinburgh, deid.' He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying, 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'
The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads - 'Hamish Broon, fae Edinburgh, deid. Ford Escort for sale.'
Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Robin Williams - Takes on Golf
1. Paddy says to Mick " Can you give me a hand with this jigsaw, its supposed to be a tiger."
Mick says " Put the Frosties back in the box you thick git ! "
2. Paddy goes to the vet carrying his goldfish in a bowl, he tells the vet I think my goldfish has epilepsy, the vet looks at the goldfish and says he seems perfectly fine to me. Oh no says Paddy you haven't taken him out of the bowl yet.
3. Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman all went to a hotel.
'There's only one room left, and its on the top floor which is 90 floors up but the lift is broken so you'll have to take the stairs' said the secretary.
They took the room and went up the stairs.
When they got to the 30th floor Paddy Englishman told a really sad story!
A little while later when they got to the 60th floor Paddy Scotsman told an even sadder story!
And finally, when they reached the top floor, Paddy Irishman told the saddest story ever!... 'Ive left the keys on the front counter...'
4. Sign on the side of an Irish van: Eamonn Feason. International Plumber Paris, Madrid, Las Vegas. But mostly Dublin.
Keith Farnan - At the Comedy Store
1. The answering machine: Have you heard about the latest machine on the pier at Llandudno?
You put ten pence in and ask it any question and it gives you a true answer.
One holiday maker from Cardiff tried it last week.
He asked the machine "Where is my father?" The machine replied:
"Your father is fishing in South Wales."
Well, he thought, that's daft for a start because my father is dead.
"Where is my mother's husband?"
Back came the reply, "Your mother's husband is buried in Cardiff but your father is still fishing in South Wales."
2. Welsh Rugby Humor: What do call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a Six Nations game? Waiter.
3. A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
'Wonderful, 'replies his mother, 'what part is it?'
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Welsh husband.'
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'
1. Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
2. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
3. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
1. A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case
of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade.
2. Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
3. A train compartment had 4 people in it: two ladies, and two men, one man was American, and the other was a Canadian. At point point the train suddenly entered a tunnel. In the darkness there was a loud 'SLAP!'
When the train emerged everyone noted that the American had a big red hand mark on his face.
The first lady thought, 'that damn American must have touched that lady, and she gave him what he deserved!'
The second lady thought, 'that damn American must have touched that lady, and she gave him what he deserved!'
The American thought, 'that damn Canadian must have touched one of the ladies, and she gave him what he deserved!'
The Canadian thought, 'I hope we go under another bridge so I can slap the American again!'