With his nervous, shy delivery, laidback style, and goofy one-liners, Mitch Hedberg had a loyal cult following but never quite found mainstream success before his untimely death.
Mitch Hedberg died on March 29, 2005, at the age of 37. The official cause of death was multiple drug toxicity.
Mitch on Food & Restaurants - The devil is dill
- I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
- I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"
- I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
- When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufresnes, party of two, table ready for Dufresnes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufresnes."
- I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."
- I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll give you the money, you give me the doughnut - end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend-"Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut-I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it's back home in the file under 'D' for doughnut."
- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
- I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"
- My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
- I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
- I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.
- Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
- Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"
- I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"
- I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"
- I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
- That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
Mitch on Mitch - You really like Tide.
- I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "You really like Tide."
- I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
- I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
- I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
- You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
- I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
- People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
- A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
- I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
- I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg CDs on Amazon - "Mitch All Together," "Strategic Grill Locations," and "Do You Believe in Gosh?"
Mitch on People & Places - If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- This is what my friend said to me; he said, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."
- The other day I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping somebody move. I went over to his house and made sure he didn't start loading stuff into a truck.
- I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"
- I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing. It's just flat."
- I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."
- Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
- I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
- If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
- My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition, but people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.
Mitch on Clothes - This shirt is dry-clean only, which means it's dirty.
- I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
- I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
- This shirt is "dry-clean only," which means it's dirty.
- I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?
- I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down.
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