6 Things You NEVER Do with Zombies!

It's 2012, and zombies are a reality. So how do we go about living with these former people? Well I have no friggin' clue, but below are 6 "nevers" when it comes to dealing with zombies.

Never Talk to Strange Zombies
I guess that title should be a little different, because when you think about it, all zombies are strange. However, just like strangers, zombies are also very dangerous; after all, they will bite you and eat your brains (or face). So you never want to just talk to a zombie unless you are covered in zombie guts thus hiding your enticing human smell from said zombie. However, if a zombie is muzzled or without a jaw you can test the waters, say hello. Tell them about yourself and be friendly. They probably won’t say much back (especially if they are missing their jaw) as zombies just grunt and don’t talk, but it’s always nice to have someone to listen to you right?

Never Date a Zombie
It is possible to date a zombie contrary to human belief, but I would definitely not suggest it. If you do give into the temptation of a semi-fleshless, pasty-white, rotten, half human, the trick is to hide your yummy, sugary-sweet human scent (like I mentioned above); and there’s only one way to do that, by covering yourself in zombie guts. So you have to ask yourself, is covering yourself in zombie guts really worth the relationship? Make sure you are in zombie love before you just jump into zombie guts. This is a huge step, commitment.

The thought of dating a zombie can be very enticing (and smelly). This is especially true if you have ever dated someone that was mouthy, unpredictable and picky about food. Zombies say next to nothing (although their breathing is loud and a bit annoying) and they are very predictable; roam, roam, roam, find victim, eat brains. No surprises here! However, if you are looking for great communication skills, you probably will not find it in a zombie, so keep roaming.

Never Take Zombies Out to the Bar When Trying to Make New Friends
If you are like me and have just moved to a new town, the last thing you want to do if you are trying to make new friends is to take zombies with you for a night out on the town.

Zombies are a total mess when they drink, literally. Imagine having drinks with someone that has holes in their abdomen, liquor and beer get everywhere. Not to mention usually zombies end up getting drunk and biting people; and you can’t go getting mad at them for doing so. It’s just who they are. So take this as fair warning. If you do decide to take your new zombie friends out, remember to keep them on a tight leash and I suggest muzzles.

Never Have a Zombie Babysit
Okay, this is a "no-brainer", but in case you are not picking up on it, never let a zombie babysit, or you could end up with a lil zombie all of your own. Little kids are like baby McNuggets to a zombie, so letting a zombie babysit is just asking for it. So don’t even consider it!

Never Ask a Zombie for a Hand
This one is pretty simple, never use the saying, “Can I get a hand?” when talking to a zombie. Why? Because you will end up with either their actual hand or someone else’s hand being handed to you.

Never Treat Zombies Different!
Lastly, never treat zombies different than any other partially dead and rotting person. Zombies are people too (or were). Just because they eat brains does not mean they should be treated like second class citizens.