Top 10 Evil Movie Pets
Did your pet eat your tongue yet? It CAN...
It's not that hard to get eaten by an animal in the movies. But to get eaten by a pet? That takes skill. And we're not talking about keeping a pet shark or alligator or killer snake around the house: good luck trying to get a life insurance policy if you're one of those guys. No, it's a special kind of movie where a cute 'n cuddly pets turns on its owner... though clearly not that special, as here's ten of them:
- The Vine
This article was originally published in The Vine, An Australian Online Magazine. It is written by Anthony Morrison.
Cujo, The Killer Dog - Cujo: The Movie
If I was the head of the Australian Tourism Board, my ad campaign every year would be simple: put Cujo on television world-wide in prime time as often as possible.
Because Cujo the dog was a lovable family pet who only started trying to kill everyone he ever loved when he got rabies - a disease we don't have in Australia.
So at the end of every screening a card would come up:
AUSTRALIA: SURE, WE HAVE KILLER SNAKES, BUT AT LEAST OUR PETS DON'T SUDDENLY TURN INTO MESSED-UP KILLING MACHINES AND TRY TO KILL US IN OUR CARS.
Seriously, if I lived in America I'd shoot every dog I saw just in case it was thinking about how cool it'd be to have rabies.
Church, The Cat - Pet Sematary
If you were going to bury a dead something in an evil Indian burial ground that brought them back to life, and you wanted to find out whether they'd come back normal or as a soul-less monster before you tried it with your dead son, why the hell would you choose to test out your crazy scheme on a cat?
Even on their good days most cats are going to treat you like crap - how are you going to tell if your faithful family pet's been resurrected as Cat Hitler if its idea of being good and loving when it was alive involved clawing your legs and trying to suffocate you in your sleep?
The Zombie Dobermans - Resident Evil
There are only two things anyone remembers from the first Resident Evil movie: that guy getting carved into cracker-sized chunks by a lazer security system, and the zombie Dobermans.
Still, that’s two things more than anyone remembers from the three sequels.
Oddly, it’s only the zombie Dobermans that have returned in the sequels (guess the killer lazer needs a better agent), where they’ve done absolutely nothing but look gross and get their heads kicked in.
You’d think they’d have scored their own TV spin-off series by now. Maybe a cooking show?
The Helper Monkey - Monkey Shines
How do you make a helper monkey even better? Not by injecting it with human brain cells, that’s for sure.
Also, who calls a horror movie Monkey Shines? How is that even remotely scary? Next we’ll be asked to experience the ultimate in female terror in She Nannagins.
The Killer Pig - Razorback
Remember when it was fashionable for Hollywood movie stars to have potbellied pigs as pets? Bet I wasn't the only one hoping Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp would get sick of their pig and flush it down the toilet, where upon it would grow alligators-in-the-sewers-style into the giant killer pig from this justly mocked Aussie attempt to remake Jaws only on land and with a pig.
Hey, if Jurassic Park 3 can have dinosaurs roaming L.A, Razorback 2 can have a pig eating George Clooney's face off while he sleeps.
The Monkey With A Razor - Phenomena
Pretty much the most messed-up thing anyone could possibly think of ever is a monkey with a straight razor.
How freakin’ scared would you be if you opened a door and on the other side there was a monkey holding a razor? Even if the monkey was just using the blade to open a package it got from Amazon, you’d never sleep again.
I’m sure a whole bunch of weird crap with bugs happens in this movie, but all I remember is that there was a pissed-off monkey and he had a razor.
Man, why’d you have to put that in a movie? That shit ain’t cool. Oh wait, it’s a Dario Argento movie. Now I’m surprised the monkey didn’t have an axe instead.
Max, The Dog - Man's Best Friend
Who in their right mind would adopt a dog they rescued from a lab run by Lance Hendrickson?
He was the evil vampire in Near Dark and the human-hunting villain in Hard Target - how is any dog he's been experimenting on going to be anything but a four-legged killing machine? Guess this movie's investigative reporter hero did most of his investigative reporting doing "special reports" into which paper towel is the most absorbent for A Current Affair.
Zoltan - Hound of Dracula
On the one hand, you’d kinda expect a dog known as “The Hound of Dracula” to be some kind of vampire dog, right? But thinking about it, how would Dracula get a vampire dog unless he bit his own dog?
What kind of pervy vampire would bite a dog? And how would a vampire dog be scarier than a regular dog – after all, having either one chew on your throat is going to be pretty fatal. The whole idea is just shithouse really.
Anyway, while Zoltan isn’t exactly a vampire dog, he does kill a dude by somehow beaming a rubbish-looking projection of himself into a guy's house so he goes insane and runs out onto the road where he gets hit by a car. Which is slightly better than having a vampire dog slobber over you trying to bite your neck I guess.
The Cat From Outer Space - The Cat From Outer Space: Disney Movie
Sure, this looks like yet another lame Disney movie from the '70s, but don't you see?
THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK. It's bad enough watching people being pushed around by regular, feed me, rub my tummy cats: this friggin' cat could talk and had a spaceship. What do you get a cat with a spaceship for Christmas?
Five thousand rounds from a minigun fired directly at its head before it escapes in its spaceship and nukes us from orbit, that's what.
Milo & Otis's Crew - Milo & Otis: The Movie
In a final twist this time the real monsters are the ones behind the cameras, as what seems like a cute story of a loveable kitten and cuddly puppy turns into a nightmarish tale of inhuman suffering once you realise that – according to rumour – both “Milo” and “Otis” died numerous times during the filming of this four-legged snuff film.
Stunt after stunt, take after take puppies and kittens were – so the story goes -thrown to their deaths for your enjoyment (see also the supposedly equally deadly Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey).
Presumably the crew also cooked and ate the corpses, just like – as the legend has it – they did on the set of Babe. Still, it could always have been worse: what about the story that the original dog from Frasier drowned after falling off his own yacht? HIS OWN YACHT.