Top 10 Musical Turkeys 2009
#10] Repo! The Genetic Opera
It's a musical with Paris Hilton. Need we say any more? Well, here is the plot. In the future people are getting loans to pay for organ transplants. And when they can not afford to pay the loan back a repo man is sent to remove the organ. A movie that tries too much to be the next "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and fails.
#9] Shock Treatment
Another movie that tried to be the next "Rocky Horror Picture Show" was Richard O'Brian's sequel "Shock Treatment". The plot here is a television show that the whole town of Denton participates in. O'Brian ( who not only wrote the original "Rocky Horror..." but played Riff Raff ) could not convince the other cast members to return. The only returning characters are Brad and Janet played by different actors. The real problem here was that O'Brian was deliberately trying to recreate the success of "Rocky Horror...". In that movie audiences who saw it every week began to participate with the film. They brought props along such as lighters they lit up when the lyrics "There's a light over at the Frankenstein Place", toilet paper to toss at the screen when Brad yells "Great Scott", and water pistols when the characters are caught in the rain. During the "Time Warp" number audience members would go into the isles and danced along with the characters on screen, would dress like characters in the movie, and had sarcastic replies they would yell out for many of the lines. Some of the audience who saw that movie way too many times would even stand in the front of the theater and recreate the movie below the screen. The audience participation evolved over years of the film being shown every Saturday Night at the same theater in New York City. The film makers never anticipated this. ( this predates the craziness of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings fans by at least a decade, and even that of Star Trek fans at their conventions. ) "Shock Treatment" was made specifically for audience members to react to scenes by rhythmically clapping, waving, or using props in different scenes. Very little attention was paid to plot or lyrics and the movie never had the charm that "Rocky Horror..." had. So instead of enthusiasts watching the same movie over and over again and developing routines most only saw the movie once. It has picked up cult status in the past few years.
#8] Voyage of the Rock Aliens
A musical with Pia Zadora. Need we say more? An this is yet another movie that tried to be the next "Rocky Horror...". The plot here is space aliens landing at a town called Speelburg U.S.A. ( Spielberg, get it??? ) because they want to learn about this thing they heard about called Rock and Roll. They stumble in to a Beach Blanket style movie and the lead alien falls for their version of Annette Funicello ( played by Pia Zadora, NEED WE SAY MORE??? ) This sets up the inevitable conflict between the lead alien and the Annette character's boyfriend. The film makers asked "What if you mixed science fiction with a 60's beach movie?". The answer is it ends up on this list.
#7] Can't Stop the Music
After "Grease" Olivia Newton-John was looking for another musicale movie to star in. She had her sights set on Evita, but it would take years for any studio to finally produce the movie version by which time Olivia was too old for the role. There simply was no good Broadway musicals left that had not been done already on the big screen. So instead an original musical would have to be written for the screen. We will get to one of those movies in a moment. The musical that Olivia eventually bailed out of was this one. At some point it turned into a vehicle for The Village People. The part that was suppose to go to Olivia was taken by Valerie Perrine who along with Bruce Jenner and Steve Guttenberg form a love triangle. That mess of a plot takes a back seat to the movie's now main plot, the formation of The Village People ( partially based on actual events. )
#6] Grease 2
The sequel to "Grease" without John Travolta, Olivia Newton-John, or any of the good song and dance numbers that made the original fun.
Having passed on the "Grease" sequel and "Can't Stop the Music" this is the movie that Olivia Newton-John agreed to do. The music here is great. The plot is another story. Michel Beck plays an artist who after being inspired by a disco rollerskating muse ( Olivia ) becomes peripherally involved in opening a rollerdisco club called Xanadu with Michael Beck. Actually I have no idea how Beck fits into this plot. Gene Kelly's character pays for the club and Olivia's character designs it. Beck falls in love with Olivia which is a no-no because Muses are not allowed to fall in love with mortals. She returns to Mount Olympus, which in this movie is located behind a cheesy mural, and begs her father Zeus to allow her to attend the opening of Xanadu. There she and the other muses perform a song then ascend into the sky never to be seen again. Fortunately for the heartbroken Beck he finds a girl who looks exactly like the Olivia muse two seconds later. This movie was actually a sequel to to an old 40s musical called "Cover Girl" with Gene Kelly playing the same character Danny McGuier.
Mariah Carey plays a unknown singer trying to break into the business. This bomb almost broke Mariah out of the music business. It is also the final screen appearance of the World Trade Center's twin towers, and reportedly when audiences saw them they cheered, the only moment that gets any cheer in the movie.
#3] Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
The idea was to produce the first Beatles movie since the 1960s basing it's plot on the album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band". The real Beatles were not interested in reuniting at the time, so producer Robert Stigwood decided to cast the Bee Gees and Peter Frampton in their place. The end result? Something that simultaneously brought down the careers of Perter Frampton and the Bee Gees. The movie begins with the original Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hears Club Band dying on stage. It has been years since that unfortunate day and their grand kids ( The Bee Gees and Frampton ) have decided to take the band's magic instruments and form a new band. They then head off to Hollywood where they are instantly corrupted. Meanwhile the magic instruments are stolen by some sort of evil villain who wants to use them to create an evil rock band ( Played by Aerosmith ). The New Sgt. Peppers Band returns from the sin of Hollywood, fights the evil rock band, and recovers the magic instruments. The only dialog in the movie is spoken by George Burns who acts as the film's narrator. The rest of the cast can only communicate by singing Beatles lyrics.
#2] From Justin to Kelly
A pretend romance between the chubby girl who won the first "American Idol" and the guy who didn't win.
#1] Star Wars Holiday Special
All the gang from Star Wars is on their way over to Chewbacca's family's house to celebrate some sort of space holiday not realizing that the storm troopers are there waiting for them. While waiting for everyone to show up we here the vocal talents of Art Carney and Bea Arthur. Finally the storm troopers are tricked into returning to their base and once gone the gang from Star Wars shows up to listen to Princess Lea sing a song. George Lucas never allowed this special to air again or be released on home video, so what is available is a bootleg that still has it's original commercials. The first few commercial breaks have been edited out, so you can tell where the guy who was taping it gave up and put the recorder on timer to get the rest of the show and put on "Supertrain" instead.
- Top 25 Turkeys for Thanksgiving 2009
Halloween has it's monster movies. Christmas it's holiday movies. But Thanksgiving has the turkeys. Each year many of us who are not interested in college football and are looking for something to watch over...