Accidental Jewish Bigamy
A lost De Greek Masterpiece
I have just found something I wrote for Hubpages a very long time ago and which for some reason was not published. I hate to waste used brain cells, so here it is:
It was not my fault Your Honour! It was all a mistake anyone might make, a genuine misunderstanding easily explainable to the meanest intelligence. Not that your intelligence is mean Your Honour. And I shall be pleased to explain how I - quite innocently I hasten to add - ended up being married to two women at the same time.
However, if Your Honour will continue to stare at me in that overly critical fashion, I fear that I shall not be able to give of my best by the way of an explanation. Well Your Honour, since you ask, what I mean is that Your Honour looks at me as if I normally reside under a flat stone in the middle of an inaccessible part of the Amazonian forest, where illegal logging is not only unknown, but impossible due to the terrain.
This, I don’t mind telling you, hurts and might cause lesser men to falter. It is one thing to be stared at sternly by the unblinking eye of blind justice and another to be given the look which implies that a cat of less than perfect discernment found one under that Amazonian rock and having dragged one into your court, now has second thoughts as to the wisdom of its choice.
And Your Honour will perhaps admit that a face like Your Honour’s is intimidating. I would not myself call it dauntingly ugly, but I suspect you will agree with me that such a face would generally tend to disqualify a man for high honours in a beauty competition. And, combined with the look, it tends to overawe.
The De Greeks are sensitive flowers Your Honour, known for their preference for living amongst beauty and harmony, Your Honour, and also we do not take criticism easily. Nor can we think clearly under pressure.
Speaking of thinking Your Honour, may I just mention in passing that though there is not an ounce of conceit in our composition, the De Greeks generally wear size 8 hats and this is necessary to accommodate their huge brains? In fact a Spartan helmet found in an ancestor’s tomb recently, had the number 8¼ clearly stamped on the inside rim. Nevertheless, even a De Greek brain sometimes does not fire on all cylinders and the simple misunderstanding which brought us into your court, was due to such an unfortunate instance. Please let me explain, leaving out no detail, no matter how trivial:
It all started when Cris A, I am sure you know Cris A, wrote a nice hub about me. A number of nice people came along and made nice comments – though some so called “friends”, including Tomymac4, Nellieanna and Zsuzsy Bee shone brightly with their absence - and one of these was Pam Roberson. Of course you know Pam Roberson, Your Honour, she is the funny one. Anyway, in her girlish enthusiasm, Pam got carried away and symbolically smashed a glass underfoot in a ceremonial manner. Regrettably, Your Honour, this happens to be part of the Jewish marriage ceremony and it was a rush error of judgement on the part of Young Pam, as we then became married.
Though Momma De Greek appeared to be out of harmony with the joy bells of marriage in this instance, she had been married to a Jewish man prior to marrying a De Greek and was a stickler for custom. Even though Pam, in supposing that Momma De Greek liked her had been altogether too optimistic, Momma De Greek insisted that I make an honest woman of “this Mifletzet, Lilit, Talit-Shkula-Thelet, Lamedvavnikit, Nudnikut, Neshama - Tova, Zeresh, Vashti, Rahav, Oy - Abroch, Oy Vey Zmir, Meshigene” as she called her, though my Hebrew is not up to this translation. If anyone can provide a translation to this, I would very much welcome it Your Honour.
There are times when even the De Greeks cannot think deeply without having a headache and so Your Honour in the excitement inseparable from the process of getting married in such a hasty manner, I had unfortunately forgotten to tell my wife and that is where the matter became slightly complicated.