Advice for Your Journey from Divorce to Remarriage
Nothing on earth can give you more pain than losing your beloved one. However, a divorce is inevitable when the stench of disagreements permeates the very core of your married life. When a situation of marital disharmony arises in your life, the only option is to opt out of the relationship. If you are not willing to accept the relationship breakup, the rest of your life certainly will not be peaceful. Hence, there is nothing to feel guilty. At the same time, whether people choose divorce only as a last resort or on the fair ground is a moot point.
Many researches across the globe reveal that divorces are on the increase because people are choosing to separation for trivial and petty reasons. Experts advise to think thousand times before applying for a legal separation, because once you come out of your marital relationship, it is too hard to rejoin your ex-spouse. Even such a rapprochement is not going to be as smooth as how it used to be before your divorce. So, under what circumstances it is advisable to opt for a divorce? If you experience any of the following seven instances, it is strongly recommended to break up the relationship immediately before it comes to an end in a nasty way.
The Seven Definite Signs to Tell If You Need a Divorce
1. Do you always think about your ex-love even after marriage?
Most probably, this is the best way to destroy your married life. If you analyze the situation carefully, you will come to know that you do not feel content in your current relationship, hence you start thinking about your ex-spouse, who gave you a better comfort level in the past. Marriage is built upon ‘trust’. When you cherish your past relationship, you immediately become ‘unfaithful’. If you realize that you cannot come out of the thoughts of your ex-love, it is high time to call out a lawyer to seek divorce before bitter experiences occupy your current relationship.
2. Chronic resentment or unhappiness
In reality, problems are very common almost in all sorts of relationships. But those problems should be managed and handled successfully by the members involved in the relationship. Just think of a situation in which your spouse is hounding you relentlessly or you feel that you are in the hot water always. Continuing a relationship like this has no meaning. Your spouse is supposed to give you happiness and protection. Instead, if he or she feels hatred towards you, living with such a person is equal to struggling for life at a concentration camp. Thus, chronic resentment or unhappiness in a relationship certainly warrants a divorce.
3. Are you not willing to go home?
If a marital relationship continues with “blaming each other” and “everlasting problems because of the fractious behavior of one member”, the future of such relationship will become meaningless. Not willing to go home from work is an important indication that you are very seriously affected by the undesirable behavior of your spouse. Prolonged resentment or disagreements with your spouse can very easily put you in a state of depression. The very first solution to this kind of relationship problem is to attend counseling. Even after counseling, if your relationship with your spouse is not ideal, divorce is the only option, which can assure both of you a better future.
4. Are you being undermined?
Your every effort to be successful in your business, work, personal relationship or any sorts of initiatives is supposed to be propped up by your spouse. Encouragement with unconditional love from anybody can make you accomplish anything and everything you wish. Far from supporting you, if your spouse starts undermining your reasonable wishes for any reason, it is high time to be wary of your spouse. If there is no valid reason behind such discouragement, end the relationship immediately because your spouse has a solid plan to ruin your life.
5. Is your self-esteem being hit hard?
A marital relationship must be built by trust and love. Respecting the values of each other is very important to lead a successful married life. Apart from a meaningful comment or criticism on your dress sense, if your spouse snubs your physical appearance, it simply means that he or she is not attracted to you anymore. If the activities of your spouse affect your self-esteem, dignity, principles and moral values, seek divorce without second thought. Believe that you have life even if you lose such a relationship. Carve your life the way you want it to be and never be a slave to anyone in the name of relationship.
6. YES-NO Game
If you differ from your spouse in every single aspect of life, you both cannot survive together under a single roof. Things such as opposite sex attraction and sexual needs during the honeymoon period, the key factors to hold both of you together in the initial stages, diminish in the course of time. The real challenge starts after your honeymoon phase. For all your “YES”, if you get only “NO” from your spouse, it means that you both are living in different worlds. In such case, it is very difficult to reach a mutual agreement when it comes to decision making in your day-to-day life. Hence, it is better to divorce instead of trying to explain things.
7. Treacherous behavior
No one can forget and forgive a treacherous act. Treacherous behavior in a marital relationship not only means committing adultery but also anything done by your spouse without your knowledge that affects you badly. If your spouse continues to hurt you physically or mentally, you have to put yourself in the defense mode. Though you shower your life partner with enormous amount of love, he or she never stops the harassing activities; instead, your spouse starts taking advantage of your patience and love. Usually, such people tend to change their partner instead of changing themselves. As you read this, you could remember such awkward moments in your life, if any. There are many beautiful things in your life to focus on instead of being in the face-off with a traitor every day.
Therefore, if you are in the mood of considering divorce, let it happen for a right cause.
A short story
Three year old Sarah lost her interest to go to school suddenly. As her mother dropped her at school, she cried a lot, held her mother tightly, and told that she wanted to be with her and did not wish to attend classes. Her mother cared little about this and forcibly handed over the weeping Sarah to caretaker and left the place. The drama continued every day.
Though her mother was not bothered about Sarah’s behavior, her class teacher felt embarrassed on seeing the helpless child and intended to find out what had disconcerted Sarah. As she was waiting for the right time to approach the child, she happened to listen the conversation between Sarah and her classmate Clara in which the former was explaining her situation to the latter responsibly. Sarah’s words staggered her class teacher for a second. She took a firm decision to help Sarah and decided to talk to her mother the next day about what her child had said to her friend.
What was worrying Sarah too much? What did Sarah tell Clara? Why did the class teacher decide to talk to her mother?
The following was the conversation between Sarah and her friend Clara:
Clara: Why don’t you play with us? Why are you crying always?
Sarah: I fear that my mom may not come to pick me up from the school.
Clara: No, you are wrong. All moms come to school to pick up their kids. So your mom also will come to pick you up. Don’t cry.
Sarah: (articulating) No, my mom quarrels with my dad every day and says that she will not come home after divorce. If divorce comes when I am in school, my mom won’t be at home, right? That is why I want to be with my mom always.
Clara: (confused a little) Not like that, all moms are always at home when their kids return from school. So don’t worry.
Sarah: No, my mom says that she will leave our home after divorce comes.
Clara: (doesn’t know what to say) Will divorce not come if you cry?
Sarah: Divorce will come. But I would like to be with my mom. Even though divorce comes, I will leave home with my mom if I am with her. If divorce comes when I am at school, my mom will leave me too. That is why I don’t want to come to school.
Clara: (after a small thought) what you are saying is also correct.
Sarah started weeping again. Clara did not know how to convince Sarah and went to play with other kids as she knew that divorce would never come to her home.
We don’t know what Sarah’s mother decides in this situation. But obtaining a divorce is saddled with onerous responsibility if you have kids.
Divorce and Children
As each family being a part of this society, failure in a marital relationship is perceived as social failure. Divorce for trivial reasons is definitely a menace to you, your children and to the society as a whole. Along with a promising relationship between parents, their unconditional support, love and guidance are crucial to the prosperity of children’s future.
In the book “Effective programs for students at risk”, published in 1989, Slavin, R. E., N. L. Karweit, and N. A. Madden observe that socio-economic factors play a vital role in carving the future of students. The authors further recognize that circumstances in which students are brought up tend to influence them psychologically. Their efficiency is highly affected by poor family relationship and gender discrimination. Particularly, unfavorable family background puts them into trouble that often results in school failure.
Majority of the kids of divorced parents faces agony, dejection, and feeling of insecurity that instills frustration and depression in their little hearts. For instance, let us consider the famous paternity suit “former Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman versus Todd Sheldon Louie and Kim Nathan Louie”. The statement of Todd Sheldon Louie “all fathers should support their children -- even if they don't wish to have a relationship with them” emphasizes the role of parents in bringing up children.
However, divorce is definitely inevitable for genuine reasons. How can you help your kids recover from the ‘divorced parents sickness’ speedily? What should you do to allay all negative thoughts that your divorce infuses in your kids’ minds?
Once you and your spouse begin to live separately:
- Make your kids understand that you both are always with them.
- Establish a meaningful and genuine relationship with your kids continuously.
- Instill a strong feeling of ‘complete family’ in their minds.
- Ensure that your kids are able to approach you easily, and you listen to their wishes and encourage them in their efforts.
- If you are remarried, make sure that you protect your kids if they face any problems with your new spouse.
- When it comes to kids’ protection, brush aside all your disputes with your ex-spouse and speak to each other if necessary and take actions appropriately.
- Shower your kids with enormous amount of love. They must know that you love them unconditionally.
- Let your kids understand that divorce of parents is not their fault and it should not affect them in any way. Repeat this often in their ears until they come out of the awkward situation and gain confidence.
- Tell your kids that they must love and respect both of you equally and in the same manner as they used to before your divorce.
- If kids happen to live with mother, she must create ample opportunities for them to spend happy time with their father and vice versa. Let the kids make use of school functions and birthday events to see both their father and mother together.
- Do not expect that your kids understand your feelings always. It is you who have to understand and respect their feelings and act accordingly. Keep in mind that a healthy and safe environment is essential for your kids to bring out their individuality.
- Affirm that your kids are members of both houses. In order to let them feel that they are part of both houses, make necessary arrangements for their stay, study and other facilities as per requirements. At any stage, they must not feel that they are abandoned. Your lively care is more than enough if you are financially too weak to provide them with lifeless materials.
- Finally, make sure that your kids do not take advantage of your love, affection and soft corner to indulge in derailing behavior. Nurture positive qualities such as discipline, self-control and morality in their minds often. If situations warrant strict measures against them, take appropriate steps.
The only relationship that never changes in a married life is that of the parents and their kids. Never forget that you are responsible for your kids’ betterment and never try to escape from your duties. If your ex-spouse is stubbornly indifferent towards kids for any reason, the onus of taking care of them is yours.
Do not break up yourself because of a breakup
Relationships are a never ending story – if you lose one you will get another one. It is unlikely for a person to stay alone throughout his or her life as we are all social animals. If you prefer to get remarried, understand that a male-female marital relationship is not just related to sex but to sound family and social health, and characters of next generation. Though surprising, this is the fact that the way you lead your married life determines the future of your society. Therefore, if you plan for a remarriage, it is crucial to select the right person in order to avoid another messy breakup. But, how can you select the right person?
Know your Prospective Life Partner
Attorneys Robert J. Nachshin, Scott N. Weston and certified public accountant Alan J. Dlugash advise you to ask the person you would like to marry the following fifteen questions in order to understand him or her better.
1. Are you indebted?
This is the first thing you must know about the person you would like to marry. Because, researches imply that financial problem is the major cause for many divorces. If your spouse is heavily indebted, you will also have to bear the brunt of the financial burden.
2. Do you snore?
Snoring sound can baffle your sound sleep. ‘Snoring’ is another major reason for divorces in many developed countries. If you find any habit being averse to you, stay away from him or her. Never hope that you can change them in future.
3. Do you help me in daily chores such as cooking and washing dishes?
If you are a person who expects that spouse should share some responsibility to reduce burden of daily chores, it is highly important to know what your prospective life partner thinks about it. Never assume that he or she will act in accordance with your dreams after marriage.
4. How many kids would you like to have?
This is a very important question and if you both are unable to meet expectations of each other, it is better to rethink about marriage. As far as the number of kids in a family is concerned, opinion of your girl should be given more weight.
5. Do you believe in god?
If you believe in god and the person you plan to marry does not, and vice-versa, just think whether you will be able to cope with such person and how his or her beliefs will affect you in a long-term relationship.
6. What is your favorite restaurant and food item?
It is not necessary that in order to enter into a marital relationship all your wishes must coincide with your partner’s. Opinion differs; but what does matter here is whether you are able accept his or her immutable wishes. Therefore, even favorite food items become a point of concern.
7. How would you like to spend a romantic evening?
This question is crucial for three reasons: one, you can understand how creative and eager your love is to please you; two, you can find out whether he or she is ready to spend time to connect with you emotionally after marriage; three, you can observe whether he or she thinks the same way as you do because differences in thoughts are evil to married life.
8. Are you a spendthrift or a miser?
As said earlier, financial problems can ruin your married life ruthlessly. Hence, efficient financial management must be a part of your married life for its longevity. While a spendthrift without adequate income could limit your married life, a miser tends to limit even your basic necessities.
9. What kind of vehicles do you own?
Do you believe that there is a close relationship between vehicles and characters of their owners? Being keen about quality and fuel efficiency shows the owner’s ability to spend money prudently. Concentration on mere beauty of vehicle shows that the owner may keep changing his or her mind as there is a better option always. Proper maintenance of vehicle implies that the owner is a responsible person. Even small things like these could help you understand others better.
10. Have you ever been arrested for drug abuse?
This is one of the most important truths you must know about the person you want to marry for two reasons - you come to know how to treat him or her after marriage and it helps you prepare yourself if something goes wrong in future.
11. What kind of work would you like to do at home?
This is to understand how eager the person is to take care of home as it includes you, kids and everything.
12. How do you feel if I come home late after work?
Today, there is no job that leaves you after 8 hours of work. For some or the other reasons you may have to come home late. By asking this question, firstly, you explain your situation and secondly, you try to understand how he or she will react for being late after your marriage.
13. How do you describe an elderly person and a disabled person in a word?
Remember, you will surely become old. You may beget a disabled baby. This question helps you understand how your prospective life partner will treat when you become old. Authenticated researches elicit the bitter truth that people apply for divorces because they want to escape from the responsibility of taking care of disabled children.
14. What are the factors that let me choose the particular person?
This question is for you as it leads you to introspect whether you choose the right person. But remember that being a right person to the chosen one is as important as choosing the right person. Will you be able to live up to his or her expectations? If your answer is ‘No’, this should be the answer to marriage as well.
15. If your answer is ‘Yes’, finally ask “how would you like to perform our marriage ceremony?” Take care that there are no differences at this stage.
© 2018 Sundaram Ponnusamy