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For Amanda's Mother
With an open heart Lord I confess to you that my love for my birth mother is no more than my love for all God’s people. It saddens me to say this for my children love me beyond words as I do them and so I fear that this is how I should love my own mother but I do not say this to my birth mother: You were a stranger to me when I met you, ripped away from the only mother I knew and now being told that she was my grandmother. You gave me no chance to heal from my loss. In fact you did not even recognize it as a loss. So I suffered in silence. The times we spent together were supposed to be my time to grow to love but you beat, shamed and stifled that growth. Your harsh world and cruel tongue blasted my ears and sunk my heart. In my adult years I tried to reach down and bring that love up again but your bitter cold and unfeeling ways chased it back down and even deeper than it was before. As my children were born and grew, I thought surely now I will be able to love you even for my children’s sake but your resentment and lies took root against my children. You abandoned them in their time of need and so my love abandoned you. Through my trials and tribulations, I rest my head upon God’s shoulder and he saw me through all things and given me anew. I confess to you mother who labored me into this world that I have given my motherly love to the only mother I ever knew. The only person I knew cared for me as a mother should, the only person that disciplined me as a mother should, the only person that protected me as a mother should, the only person that cradled me as a mother should and the only person that loved me as a mother should, my grandmother. I have no more motherly love to give. Oh Lord, God, I ask that you take care with me and forgive me for even though I have surrendered my life to you, I cannot put motherly feelings into my heart for my birth mother. I have given my motherly feelings to the only mother I have ever known and I have given her all that love that I had. Lord, God I feel ungrateful of your love, for all that you have carried me through and healed me from. I ask for your mercy, oh Lord, and confess this to you Lord for I must confess all my failings. May you Lord have pity on me for I have in my heart a dark and closed portion, that I do not know how to restore and I am at peace with it. I confess to you today Lord my failings and beg for your mercy and forgiveness and guidance. This is my confession Amanda.