Back in Time: Anticipation

Knock, knock, knock… Kevin’s site was disheveled. As he attempted to focus upon the object of his anticipation, of his affection, and most prominently his addiction, I interposed. “See who that is Kev” which favored no acknowledgement from the boy… In a moment, to be forever frozen in time, the beast from within would be satisfied; with the caveat of knowing full well, the beast from within is never satisfied. This particular beast knows no boundaries. It is a self destructive murderer and thief that shall take no prisoners…that shall not be denied.

Kevin’s providence stood inches behind the closed door which shielded him too long from a truth which lied on the opposite side. Life’s realities would be unlocked and received within an eye blink; the Genie in the bottle patiently waited to be unleashed. I noticed his knees buckle the instant he turned the door’s handle. He composed himself back in time to appear nonchalant. Anticipation is typically associated with great expectations. I submit my son was experiencing the alternate actuality. In reality, anticipation is a double edged sword, fore it cuts both ways.

If my instincts happened to be right, his life would forever be changed. If my instincts were wrong, well, his life would be changed forever. The door announced its opening with its subtle, yet albeit deafening provincial groan. This unconscious repetitious task was accompanied by the winds of change, which blew him back on his heels. Either way my role was reduced to watching the wheels go round and round.

My perfunctory salutation went unacknowledged from Kiley, which signaled the serious nature of the calling. Her eyes were locked upon his. The trepidation in her facial expression along with the anxiety of her body language was instantly decipherable as they sauntered off whispering into seclusion. I reflected back in time upon the anticipatory daze I experienced, only then I had the lead role.

Anticipation is a particularly unique beast. It varies among each individual’s life and one’s associated experiences. Such is the prospect of losing that special someone forever or inextricably linked with that special someone forever was at hand. I tend to agree we are the sum total of our life’s experiences. Such is the dilemma not imposing the conviction of one’s beliefs upon others. Such is the power of love.

My wife of 25 years and I had agreed on few aspects regarding childrearing. In this particular circumstance we were in complete agreement regarding the nature of the calling; albeit from dissimilar perceptions. The sounds of silence with the occasional whisper foreshadowed the rationale for the visit. Jen could take the suspense of the news no longer. She injected herself within the seclusion of the young couple’s conversation. I felt no compulsion; Break-ups are seldom silent. Secrets tend to be softly spoken.

At some point the trio decided to divulge the news to the hard line conservative; that would be me. They feared me as though I was Machiavelli meekly emerging to make the announcement. In actuality, it wasn’t me they feared as much as the ramifications of their liberal viewpoint. Apparently my wife offered to throw herself on the proverbial sword as the one to break the news. My wife’s knowledge regarding my facade hard line persona was more for effect than disillusionment.

She simply said…Kiley is pregnant…My response required only a word, yet involved the body language of an ‘A list’ Hollywood actor. I raised my dangling hands from my side to the height of my hips, with open palms visible to the heavens above, as I posed my retort in the form of a question… Congratulations?