Cancer Sucks A**

I wish I could go back to when I was younger, and love my dad more than I did. I loved him a lot then, but now with everything that's happening, I wish him and I would have had a better relationship growing up.

Let's start from the beginning...back in 2010 my dad was first diagnosed. The doctors said it was Sarcoma Cancer, and it was in his calf. For those of you who don't know, Sarcoma Cancer is a muscle/tissue cancer.

On Christmas Eve, my dad took me and my brother into his room, sat us down, and proceeded to tell us what was going on. As a sophomore in high school, I was not expecting to hear that my dad, age 48, had cancer. In all honesty, I just assumed he was going to tell us that he didn't have any money for Christmas presents. Which given the circumstances, I would have taken that over him having cancer any day of the week!

Now it's 2018, and the cancer is back. This time it's stronger, this time we can't get rid of it. 2010 and it was in his calf muscle, 2015 and it was in his lung, 2017 it began to spread to his diaphragm and his ribs, and now 2018..it's wrapped tightly around his spinal cord. He's struggling with walking, sitting, standing for long periods of time, and is in constant pain. The doctors say there is nothing left to do. He's on steroids for the pain, and it makes him irritable, however those have started to not work. He's a prideful man, and asking for help is not his strongest quality.

It's hard for me when he can't walk, because I can't do anything to help. I can't support his body weight, so I just stand there. Heart breaking, tear filled eyes, praying that he's not going to fall. We nag, pester, hover, and mother him. He complains, moans, and groans about it. He gets irritated, and he snaps back at us. He doesn't mean to be harsh, but he is. Again, my heart is slowly breaking day by day watching him slowly decline in his bed.

There are many nights where I end up crying myself to sleep, where the world seems so unfair and cruel. Like tomorrow will never come, and when it does it will be worse than yesterday. People keep telling me that if I want something from my dad, no matter how big, small, or mundane, I just need to ask for it. Here's the thing..what I want does not have monetary value. What I want is for him to walk me down the isle at my wedding, I want him to hold my first child, and my second. I want him to have grandchildren and spoil them. I want him to survive.

WANT WANT WANT! I feel so selfish, this isn't about me. It's about him. I get that. I'm not the one dying, he is.

I'll tell ya though, this whole cancer thing, it sucks ass. It's not just the patient fighting, it's family and friends too. I've never lost a parent, and not knowing when the day is coming is infuriating. Would it be worse to know the exact day though? Is it better to not know? These questions play over and over in my head constantly.

If you know someone with cancer, whether it be a friend, a parent, a child, or family member, you know how stressful it is. Appointments are never ending, you just want to help but can't seem to figure out how to. You want them to have their own peace and quiet, but you also want to spend as much time with them as you can. I get it, I'm currently struggling with how to handle when to give him space and when to be with him.

There are so many things I want to ask him, and things I want to know before he passes. When's the right time? Will he just get annoyed? What if he gets mad? Well, there will never be a right time, and then it will be too late. He might get annoyed, but you'll have some peace knowing what you want to know, and you can hold onto that when he's gone. Yeah he will probably get mad, but if knowing what you want to know before he passes is going to help you live a healthier life without regrets once he is gone, then buck up and let him be mad. That's his choice to be mad, not yours.

Every day is a struggle for me, but I put on a smile, and I get through it.

Here's my advice to you; love every minute. Do whatever makes your heart happy, and try your best not to take things for granted. Say what you want to say, don't wait until it might be too late. Life is short and worth living to it's fullest. I know, I know, broken record. I'm serious though, what would you do if today was your last day? Probably something crazy right? Well what if today was your last day, but you didn't know that? I'm sure you'd still be thinking about the right time to tell that special person that you love them, or wondering how you're going to make it through the day. It's not worth it. Grieve, really grieve. For everything that has you down, mad, and sad. Then get up, dust off your crown, and kick some ass. You got this, I believe in you. Even if you don't believe in yourself, I believe in you.