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Deadbeats: This is who they are and here is what they do! Don't damage the babies!
Parents & Parenthood
SINGLE AND FREE OR LACKING IN RESPONSIBLITY
So, I was reading an article posted on one of my facebook friend's wall. It was a receipt for lobster, steak, and diet mountain dew; the kicker was that it was paid for by foodstamps. My clever little reply was, "Well, at least, they bought food and not sold it for drugs or a tattoo." I didn't pull this out of thin air, I knew a guy that did each of these things. It continues to be a sad situation. He pays no child support and yet he receives government assistance and sales them for recreational purposes such as, tattoos, etc. That sparked the question in my mind, "Should men not paying for their children be allowed government assistance? I think that if a man is named as father and if he has outstanding child support or children he is not supporting he should not be receiving assistance. I also feel this way for women, too. If you shared the actions that created a child you should in turn, share the responsibility for sustaining the needs of the child. To take it a step further, I think that if the absentee parent applies for a job sixty percent of their earnings should be docked, until they are caught up on child support.
Now this is where this article is going to take an unexpected turn. I have for a couple of days been reflecting on this absentee mother/father issue and how it affects the children. The question I posed was, "Is it ok for an absentee parent to disrupt the life of a child?" I received quite an interesting array of answers from fellow hubbers, here are a few...
2 Female hubbers- F1- EVERY parent should have the right to see their child unless they have/are physically or emotionally abusive. Being what the other parent doesn't like, does not count in my mind as worthy of refusing rights. 2 people made a child and 2 people should have rights to a child that are not decided by the other parent but an outside party.
F2-I think you are right. The problem I have is the repeated rejection. I gave my son's dad a few tries to be consistent in seeing him but last time I let them hang out (which I was on the fence about because I notice my son doesn't really ask or talk about his dad. Until he sees him! Then he expects to see him again in a reasonable amount of time but after a couple of weeks he wants to know why his dad hasn't come around or why he's not returning our calls and I cannot stand seeing my son in pain!) but they hung out, he told him he'll see him next week and now it's been a year. I'm not going to let him see him again (if we ever hear from him) because my son seems more hurt when he comes and goes than when he is just gone. AND he lives with his girlfriend and her 2 kids so he is capable of being there if he wanted to be. Okay, so sorry, this obviously hits home with me. Trust what you believe is best for your child, you're the only one that knows the details of your situation. You're the only one having to take care of your child, do what you think is best. Personally, I'm not going to knowingly let my kid get hurt over and over again.
2 Male hubbers- M1- You are not wrong, brittvan. Nothing hardly gets me going worse than what you describe. Absolutely, step up to the plate and love and do right by your children like they so need or at least try to get them to those who will.
M2-This question really bothered me on a child hood memory level. My dad left our house when I was seven. My mom loved me to death but did not really treat me all that well on the day to day. I cannot judge that. My mom would cuss my dad to me and make it uncomfortable for him to come around. I loved it when he did. Maybe that was disruptive to my mom's power structure but certainly not to me.
Now do not get me wrong. I had a wonderful childhood and was very loved. And because I could see how my mom treated my dad and in fact me. I could understand why he had to leave. My dad never said or did a bad thing to my mom. My dad supported us. At the time of his death at 89 he was my best friend.
So I answer your question like this. As you lay it out I understand how you feel about it and agree with you as you phrase it. But here is the rub. Who decides all those things. Certainly not a mom whose fury may have no equal in wrath.
And I would like to point out that your scenario may well be the result of and illness or other handicap the father may have. Some folks are great parents but cannot hold down a job, or they may be absent because they are off protecting us in a war.
I hope I said this compassionately. There are no winners and no right sides in a divorce. If you are having trouble in this regard I pray for you and certainly cannot judge you. I reckon a whole lot of love could be used right now and you have mine.
I also took to a social network and posed the same question and here were a few of the responses. These are the responses of two gentlemen who grew up in somewhat similar situations with different outcomes. I will refer to them as K and D for obvious reasons. I wanted to show how our decisions as absent parents and parents affect the one's we hold so dear, our children.
Brittany Stuckey Question: If you grew up being parented by a single parent, how did this affect how you encountered future or current relationships with others?
- Seen by 10
- K- I don't date single moms....23 hours ago via mobile · Like
- K- Well, I am allowed, right? I don't have kids. And refuse to have any until marriage. I am 34, and single with no kids. I refuse to be bound by the bullshit.23 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
- Brittany Stuckey could you expound upon that opinion?23 hours ago · Like
- D Not having my dad made it hard for me to understand what"MANING UP" really meant. Responsibility was my hardest hump to get over. N yes getting serious with single mothers was out of the question. Im married now so thats why I say was. And ive always fell for women completely opposite of my mother. Worked out great for me!21 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1
- K Well, Certainly. For starters, it is a Pandora's box. You see, For about 9 years, I had to deal with my mom's follies with men and her literal indecisiveness. I was aware of my situation for at least until I was 12 years old, when she finally met her now husband of 21 years. Based upon the men she had in her life, I had no respect for them, whatsoever. I really did not care. Even her current husband... I did not respect him until he shown me why I should. Nothing violent. But I did not trust him any more than a shady person standing on a street corner. He earned my respect. Likewise, I don't want to walk into a situation whereas, I am not respected. And from both my perspective, and experience, it is better to leave well enough alone. Or at least. At my age now, I probably can get away with dating someone that already has kids, but they are grown. However, that is not really conducive to my aims, considering that I actually DO want children of my own, and most women that are already done, don't want any. Therefore, my recourse is to only deal with women WITHOUT children at all.21 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1
- D- My reasons for not dating single mothers. Was because i didnt want to get close to the child and then me and the mother dont work out. I cant leave them babies hangin. N to me anything 17 and under is a baby. LOL21 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1
- D- But knowing yourself is the key. If you dont know both parents. There will always be a void for that missing parent. I just met my dad a month ago. But we've been talking since August. I learned more about my self in five min of talking to him then I knew in 27 years. Im awkward and my wife pointed it out to me. When I spoke to him i knew right away where I got it from. Then I became comfortable with it because I knew it wasn't my fault : )21 hours ago via mobile · Like
- Brittany Stuckey So did he ever apologize, I saw something on fatherless sons on Oprah and it really showed the vulnerability of the absent father. My empathy goes to the child more so.21 hours ago · Like
- Brittany Stuckey Given your situation it makes sense Kirk that you can not see yourself with a single mom. Have you and your natural father reconciled?21 hours ago · Like
- D- Yeah he did! But there was way more to it. Alot of ppl think its financial support that matters most. But he wouldn't have been a decent provider. Just seeing what you are reflection of, helps greatly with you working out your imperfections.20 hours ago via mobile · Like
- K- During my childhood, My father was there. It is only in adulthood that he and I don't see eye to eye. I am not on pleasant terms with my mom, either. For different reasons.
My mom: During most of my childhood, she was more worried about herself. Always passing me off to my grandparents and even my dad, because my presence was inconducive to her own agenda. She only had me around for her own convenience. And even now, she expects me to help her financially. When she works a full time job, and her husband has a full pension. "You aren't married, nor do you have kids, why won't you help me, your mother.". Yeah, so I keep my distance.
My dad: Divorced TWICE for the same reason: Cheated on his first wife with the woman he married as his second wife, and cheated on the second wife with a woman that is barely a year older than me. For all intents and purposes, he is an immoral man-whore, in my book. I don't trust him, because a man that cheats on his wife, is untrustworthy in my book. I have other reasons for not trusting him, but that is a different story. Furthermore, I am a moralist. I will not conduct myself in matters I either consider immoral or unethical. He figures that since I am single, I should (like him) have sex with anything that passes by with a vagina. Not my forte. I believe in absolute self control, and asceticism until marriage. Hell, if it ain't TMI, I don't even masturbate. Therefore, he and I are as different as the sun and moon.20 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
- Brittany Stuckey thats understandable kirk. darnell glad you are able to move forward its sad for some age doesnt bring wisdom.20 hours ago via mobile · Like
- K- Now, you ask, has it affected my relationships as an adult? Yes. I find more comfort alone, than dealing with someone in close quarters. At best, I generally keep people at more than arms length. Life has taught me to trust no one, but myself. So, I am caught in a dilemma. My more natural instincts crave companionship, whereas my more logical sentiments ascertain that it is not worth the effort. Therefore, I am in a partially never ending paradox, and internal power struggle between logic and personal feelings. I am uncertain if I can trust anyone well enough to even consider (or entertain the idea of) a relationship, beyond the confides of platonic friendship. Worst come to wear, if I do consider a relationship, the woman would have to be the exact opposite of my own mother, because of the level of disdain I have.20 hours ago via mobile · Like
- K- The dynamic of the Oedipus Complex dictates that a man bonds with a woman that has similarities with his own mother. In my case, it is an Anti-Oedipus Complex that drives me away. In other words, I am more of a Xenophile, in the sense, that i am attracted to anything opposite of myself. Meaning, women of other races, social backgrounds, et cetera...20 hours ago via mobile · Like
- D-Damn kirk i feel for you bruh. Its good in a way, cus I bel you have a lot of money saved up. But its real easy for me. IF THAT ASS IS NICE IMA HOLLA AT HER! It worked!! If youre single you got the right to be human. Not doing what grown ups do doesn't make that person valuable in my eyes. Makes me thing wasted goods. Cus you gotta know how to use it when you get with the woman of your dreams. Or she gone cheat on you with the preacher. But what do I know, you got 7 years and an education on me. 19 hours ago via mobile · Like
- K- Darnell, there is no such thing. You find someone, and meet on mutual grounds. Soulmates, dream-person, and the like are just wasted rhetoric for people to disassociate logic. Logic is, there is no such thing as a person meant for anyone. Otherwise...See More19 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
This is the uniquely different perspective coming from a young woman growing up in a single family home with her mother. I will refer to her as M.
Brittany Stuckey Question: If you grew up being parented by a single parent, how did this affect how you encountered future or current relationships with others?
M- My mom is stuck in her ways. Men are either intimidated by her or she just dismiss them so quick. I am my mothers child. I had the same attitude. I would dismiss dudes quick. Like i dont wanna be bothered with you because a,b, and c and honestly some of them were stupid reasons. Even though some of my cousins, aunts, and uncles i really didnt see how a marriage works first hand. All i knew is how my mom lived. It was me, her and my older sister. Whatever we couldnt do we paid a man to do it (mowing the lawn, fixing the kitchen sink, etc.) Along with how my mom is and the things i've gone thru i've always felt like I can take on things by myself or do things myself. When a real guy that was genuine in wanting to do things for me, I was always like nah I got it. I've been doing it all this time by myself. It really doesn't matter if he does it or not. I've learned to kind of back off a bit and let him do him but i still have a lot of that in me to just take over. It's a learning process. The boo was raised in a 2 parent household. His parents are still married so we see things differently. It's a learning process and a big transition.17 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Also, as I asked this question to our fellow hubbers, I heard from the brave perspectives of mothers and children that were in that situation, either in their past or that is their present. What I take from that is the answer varies for each individual. The fact, however, remains that the main focus should be the wellbeing, safety, and security of the child in question. When one become a parent your parenthood, if you decide to be a parent is an obligation, not an option from that point forward.
We should not purposely send our children, we are entrusted with on an emotional, physical, or psychological roller coaster, where they lose their footing. If you were not given these fundamental necessities that every child deserves love, trust, stability, and nurturing, let me be the first to apologize, you deserved more, and I stand by that. For those men and women that do their best I commend you eternally, your reward will be someday. I suppose those future grandchild, at least that is what it seems was my Mom's reward. Her first granddaughter was born on her birthday and they share the beautiful name Maria.
The stories and experiences you will share between you and that grandchild will be something they will absolutely rave about in school. By merely listening to your grandchild and children people will know you, they will carry you wherever, they shall lay their feet. Although my own mother has been deceased for nearly a year, my five year old raves about her like she was here today.
My point is that the relationship between mother and child and father and child is important and should not be taken lightly, as we have seen from first hand accounts, it affects how we function later on the world and how we function in our relationships. Treasure your little treasures and cherish those precious moments. Don't find yourself looking back years from now and finding more regrets than sweet memories. For me, this issue is not just financial, but a lot deeper than money. Money does help, but presence entails your full attention.
Let us all work on being present (self-included) sometimes you can be physically there, but wholly absent. In closing what a deadbeat parent does is destruct the trust and psychological well being of the child. Some children will model that in their relationships, some will become the exact opposite. The truth is nobody is perfect, but we can all be better people to one another and we owe it to our children to be the best parent we can be.
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