- Family and Parenting
Facing Difficult Decisions
Difficult Decisions give me a Pain
After 30 years of marriage, my husband and I know each other pretty well. I know when he doesn’t want to do something and vice versa. However things often come up that require our attention whether we want to face it or not. Since both of our sets of parents are aging, we are faced with parent’s health issues. They are all pretty healthy parents for the most part, but of course it is bound to happen that someone is going to need our attention.
We both have plenty of siblings who could also help out with parental health issues, so when the time comes for us to do our part, it seems selfish not to pitch in. The hard part is that we do one live near our parents and it is rather expensive to get there and expensive to stay for any length of time. I’m sure we are not alone with these kinds of problems. Many people deal with their aging and ailing parents. When issues like these come up it is hard to know which way to go. Decisions that will be hard either way are difficult to make. I have learned several ways to sort out conflicting emotions.
The Plus and Minus List
Many years ago a psychologist told me to make a Plus and Minus list to help me make a difficult decision. Take a piece of paper and divide it in half the long way. At the top of each column place the heading “Plus” and “Minus”. Then under those write what would be good and bad about each issue you are facing. In the end one column will be longer than the other. If there are more minuses than pluses, don’t do it. If there are more pluses than minus, you know what to do.
Spay the cat
No worries about roaming
She will be sad
No more kittens
No more whining at night
No more having to keep her locked in the bathroom
Can let her in the backyard again
No more having to find homes for kittens
No more howling cats surrounding the house
She will be a happier cat in the long run
Money Solves a Few Things
We haven’t much in wealth or we may be tempted to offer money to anyone to keep us from having to go. However in this situation, my honey’s Mom really wants HIM and not some hireling. This is one of those situations were even if we had money it would do little to help. It is our presence that is wanted and needed. Sure there are other siblings that can pitch in, but my husband’s Mom really derives joy from seeing him in person; especially since we don’t make there very often.
Advanced Problem Solving
How do you make tough decisions.
It is holiday time when families get most needy and those with family issues want to stay as far away from family as possible. However, again, when there are health issues, you just need to suck it up and go be where you are needed most. My dear husband and I have gotten to be hermits, enjoying each other’s company more than most family because of past issues and hurt feelings. This year we are being compelled to leave our hermitage and face the minefields of parental territory.
When these times come, you must strengthen your constitution and your bond with each other more than any other time. I think the big deal is that many people tend to lash out at those closest to them when tough times and emotional fall out begin. Above all else you need to have your ally, you spouse, on your side. Make sure you check in regularly before the trip and do whatever you need to do to keep hidden resentments from bubbling to the surface. Talk openly about what is coming. You don’t need to say you HATE each other’s families to understand there are no perfect families. As far as you can, be kind to each other before and during the trip.
My husband is my best friend and I let him know regularly. That isn’t to say that I don’t hurt his feelings from time to time, but I certainly try not to. And when I have I make sure to apologize when I have calmed down. I repair damage sooner rather than later. I need him. The holidays are always nicer with him beside me.
Couples Should Stick Together
When I made my list the small minuses about going to live at my mother-in-law’s for a time to help her were far outweighed by the pluses. However the main plus was that my husband needed me. Someday I will need him to do something he won’t want to concerning my parents and on that day I don’t want to have the thought that I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. The thing is that I’m not all that important except that he finds support and strength just from my presence. If that’s all I need to do, be there for him, isn’t that a small thing to ask? The minuses of the temperature of my in-law’s house being uncomfortable and the TVs constantly on day and night, are a small thing to endure. Sure I don’t want to face that, especially for an extended period of time. However, my honey is worth it.
This will be the ultimate question if you are facing a similar dilemma. Sure you could stay home and let him go do what he has to do, but if your presence gives him encouragement and strength and undying gratitude, won’t that be worth it? I think it is.