Fears Past Present

I faced the fears of losing parents. I never really got over that fear, but faced it nonetheless. There are some to get over quickly enough, like the fear of hitting and being hit, playing football, the fear of a fast baseball, the fear of missing a shot in basketball, and the fear of losing the game. We got over that one time and again. I got over the fear of failing a test, or school completely. I got over the fear of combat in war. I got over the fears I had in dreams of Vietnam. I got over the fear of being arrested. I got over the fear of the chain-gang for something I didn't do. I really got over the fear of "what people thought", I thought.

God fearing or disbelieving, you will have fears. I believed in God. I believed in Karma. I believed in something besides myself. I believed in good works. I believed that one should abstain from the seven deadly sins. I believed in "what goes around, comes around".

I have tossed aside all fears, such as colliding with automobiles that alter the body in terrible ways. I got over the fear that giant bullies can instill.

I'm packing up to venture back into the past. It will be only a twenty-four hour period, only if the powers that be, allow it to be. I'm over that fear.

I am over all fears. I can run through the woods and fear no reprisal from nature. I can swim in the ocean. I can drift down the Edisto River for miles without floating device of any kind, underneath water-moccasins.

I am indeed done with all fear, it seems.

There is one fear left that I've been ignorant about. I've chosen to ignore it but I haven't really. It pops up and I quickly dismiss it to the storage shed of obsolete thoughts.

But this fear has had a control over actions and inaction. It has determined who I am and may be. It is unconquerable, by me. I cannot believe that I can overcome this fear. I can put it aside for the time being, I think. I act bravely, without thought to the outcome, and how the ripples I send out on the water will return.

I could continue to wander about and around the truth of this fear, but what is the use?

I fear "not being loved". I fear the lack of love. I could use less respect. I would sacrifice some truth, very possibly, if allowed to, for being loved.

I've told myself that the truth will set me free, that in the end. all be be fine, that I will see justice, and justice and truth are what matter.

Now I, this occasional atheist, blasphemer, and believer, will ask God again, what is the point? Why is there so much injustice? Why is there so much pain?

And once again there are too many questions.

There is only silence.

Why does love and the lack of love hurt so much?

Why is it so important for me to have the ones I've loved so much, love me back?

Quietly, I re-stack the shelves in the attic, the basement, and the storage shed.