Having Children is a Game Changer
They come so sweet... then it all goes wrong.
Best Laid Plans... often go wrong.
I can remember having all sorts of rules and witticisms that I intended to live by when I had children. I was never going to raise my voice. I was going to reason with them because after all, they are little people and they should listen to reason. I felt sure that after babysitting for many years, I was equipped to tackle the challenges of parenthood. I felt confident and satisfied that I knew what I was doing. Little did I know! Nothing went as I planned. I soon found out why my mother has grey hair. Children have a mind of their own and will decide early on whether to follow your direction or not. Usually, not.
However, I learned several things along the way. And these are just some of the interesting things I discovered.
Costumes... not good.
Did you know:
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
A play plastic sword in the hands of a Zorro costumed child can puncture a king-size waterbed mattress.
Chandelier-type bedroom lamps cannot support a 50-pound boy in a Zorro costume trying to swing across the room, unlike the Disney TV version.
Did you know:
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year-old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you own any furniture at all, a 3-year old will use it to build a sophisticated ladder to steal cookies from the jar on top of the refrigerator.
The 8 and 9-year olds will watch him do it.
Ceiling Fans
Did you know:
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 43-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass windows (even double-pane) don’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
Did you think you knew what you were doing before you had children?
Toilets
Did you know:
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
A two-year-old can flush a grown man’s dress shirt if they start with the sleeve.
They cannot, however, flush a CD, DVD, or cat. Not for lack of trying though.
Fire
Did you know:
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke and lots of it.
A six-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do that in the movies.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in most towns has a 5-minute response time.
Shiny Things
Digestion
Did you know:
Certain Lego’s will pass completely through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
Copper pennies going through the digestive tract come back as very shinny new looking pennies. Boys don’t mind unearthing these shinny new looking artifacts out of the commode.
Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Did you know:
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
Screws and Locks
Did you know:
VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials may show they do. A boy armed with a screwdriver can dismantle a VCR in 10 minutes flat.
A sleepwalking child will invariably find a kitchen drawer to substitute for the bathroom.
Locks on doors are not so much to keep burglars out as they are to keep the sleepwalking child in.
Did you know:
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
You probably DO NOT want to know where that came from.
Eating
Did you know:
A toddler can eat and swallow a caterpillar faster than you can say, “NO, DON’T EAT THAT.”
Children will not eat healthy foods unless you tell them it is for the adults and they can’t have any.
Did you know:
Children will photobomb you when you are wanting to take a serious photo of family and friends.
The same children will refuse to smile or sit still when you want to photograph them.
Did you know:
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Cats to do not appreciate “dress-up.”
Cats will follow a boy with a brand new B-B gun. They have learned that birds fall from the sky when said boy walks outside. It is very hard to get a dead bird back from a cat.
Did you know:
Crayon pieces in jeans pockets will emerge in the dryer and “color” every garment in the dryer load. Dryer crayon coloring is permanent.
Sucking on AAA batteries will give your fillings a little jolt. Boys like jolts. Some girls too!
Harmless Garter snakes will shake their tail in the same manner as a Rattlesnake. Even girls are fascinated by and will bring home freshly hatched Garter snakes.
A grown man will continue to chop a dead Garter snake with a shovel because the dead snakes don’t have the good sense to stop wiggling, and the grown man thinks he is saving his family.
Older and Wiser
I feel older and wiser now. All the rules and tips I felt sure would work for me are gone now. Survival is the only rule left. These are only a few of the many things I have learned over the years. Children are not predictable; they do not reason well; they love to try out new things unless it is food. It has been a fantastic adventure filled with more surprises than I ever imagined. Now that my children have children, I have enjoyed that they are facing some of the same dilemmas and even a few new ones.
