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Having Children is a Game Changer

Updated on March 2, 2016
PAINTDRIPS profile image

Denise homeschooled her 4 children and has stories. She provided art lessons for many children in the homeschool community for many years.

They come so sweet... then it all goes wrong.

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Best Laid Plans... often go wrong.

I can remember having all sorts of rules and witticisms that I intended to live by when I had children. I was never going to raise my voice. I was going to reason with them because after all, they are little people and they should listen to reason. I felt sure that after babysitting for many years, I was equipped to tackle the challenges of parenthood. I felt confident and satisfied that I knew what I was doing. Little did I know! Nothing went as I planned. I soon found out why my mother has grey hair. Children have a mind of their own and will decide early on whether to follow your direction or not. Usually, not.

However I learned several things along the way. And these are just some of the interesting things I discovered.

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Costumes... not good.

Did you know:

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

A play plastic sword in the hands of a Zorro costumed child can puncture a king size waterbed mattress.

Chandelier-type bedroom lamps cannot support a 50-pound boy in a Zorro costume trying to swing across the room, unlike the Disney TV version.

Did you know:

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year-old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you own any furniture at all, a 3-year old will use it to build a sophisticated ladder to steal cookies from the jar on top of the refrigerator.

The 8 and 9-year olds will watch him do it.

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Ceiling Fans

Did you know:

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 43-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass windows (even double-pane) don’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

Did you think you knew what you were doing before you had children?

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Toilets

Did you know:

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

A two year old can flush a grown man’s dress shirt if they start with the sleeve.

They cannot, however, flush a CD, DVD, or cat. Not for lack of trying though.

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Fire

Did you know:

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do that in the movies.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in most towns has a 5-minute response time.

Shiny things

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Digestion

Did you know:

Certain Lego’s will pass completely through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

Copper pennies going through the digestive tract come back as very shinny new looking pennies. Boys don’t mind unearthing these shinny new looking artifacts out of the commode.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

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Did you know:

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

Screws and locks

Did you know:

VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials may show they do. A boy armed with a screwdriver can dismantle a VCR in 10 minutes flat.

A sleepwalking child will invariably find a kitchen drawer to substitute for the bathroom.

Locks on doors are not so much to keep burglars out as they are to keep the sleepwalking child in.

Did you know:

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

You probably DO NOT want to know where that came from.

Eating

Did you know:

A toddler can eat and swallow a caterpillar faster than you can say, “NO, DON’T EAT THAT.”

Children will not eat healthy foods unless you tell them it is for the adults and they can’t have any.

Did you know:

Children will photo bomb you when you are wanting to take a serious photo of family and friends.

The same children will refuse to smile or sit still when you want to photograph them.

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Did you know:

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Cats to do not appreciate “dress-up.”

Cats will follow a boy with a brand new B-B gun. They have learned that birds fall from the sky when said boy walks outside. It is very hard to get a dead bird back from a cat.

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Did you know:

Crayon pieces in jeans pockets will emerge in the dryer and “color” every garment in the dryer load. Dryer crayon coloring is permanent.

Sucking on AAA batteries will give your fillings a little jolt. Boys like jolts. Some girls too!

Harmless Garter snakes will shake their tail in the same manner as a Rattlesnake. Even girls are fascinated by and will bring home freshly hatched Garter snakes.

A grown man will continue to chop a dead Garter snake with a shovel because the dead snakes don’t have the good sense to stop wiggling, and the grown man thinks he is saving his family.

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Older and Wiser

I feel older and wiser now. All the rules and tips I felt sure would work for me are gone now. Survival is the only rule left. These are only a few of the many things I have learned over the years. Children are not predictable; they do not reason well; they love to try out new things, unless it is food. It has been a fantastic adventure filled with more surprises than I ever imagined. Now that my children have children, I have enjoyed that they are facing some of the same dilemmas and even a few new ones.

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Parenting Comments Welcome

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    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 21 months ago from south Florida

      Unfortunately, Denise, I could identify personally with almost every one of these catastrophic child-raising situations - all while laughing myself silly at your funny scenarios. Thanks for the merriment, m'dear.

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      drbj,

      My pleasure. I raised a very theatrical group. They loved dressing up in costume and performing feats the furniture could not endure. But they were a great group, now off raising their own theatrical troops. My biggest annoyance was the crayons in the pockets. I had a number of unsuspecting blouses dyed a variety of colors. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Isaac Weithers 21 months ago from The Caribbean

      Fun and valuable at the same time. I like your writing style.

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      Thank you, MsDora. I appreciate your encouragement. Sweet of you to stop by.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • Larry Rankin profile image

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      There is nothing that can completely prepare one for having a child. That said, having had our first in our mid-30s, we were about as prepared as you can be...if only we still had the energy we had in our 20s:-)

    • Rachel L Alba profile image

      Rachel L Alba 21 months ago from Every Day Cooking and Baking

      My little sister was born when I was 12 and I helped take care of her, which meant diaper changes, feedings babysitting, playing with her, teaching her things; so naturally I thought I knew all about babies and kids. For some reason it was all very different when I had my own and now was fully responsible for them and their actions, as well as my husband was too.

      That was a cute hub.

      Blessings to you.

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      Larry Rankin,

      I hear ya about the energy level. I'd love to run with my grandkids but just don't have the energy.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      Rachel L Alba,

      It is different when they are your own, isn't it? I know the first day I felt so in awe and ill-equipped that I made the nurse show me how to change her little diaper just to be safe. I laugh at myself now but back then, she was so small and new, I was scared to death. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • Edward J. Palumbo profile image

      Ed Palumbo 21 months ago from Tualatin, OR

      When my daughter (now 29) was born, I had to wonder, "What can I teach this child? What will she learn from me as she grows?" Children prompt us to examine ourselves, to modify certain behaviors. There's a time for that, of course. I suspect children teach us fear, if we're not already acquainted with that, and their innocent questions regarding issues we take for granted by experience are reasons to reexamine our reasoning. Through the eyes of a parent, all that we regarded as "acceptable risk" is subject to reassessment. We see splinters where we previously saw wood, or threats where we saw none in the past. I am thankful for my daughter and my son, but freely admit that parenting has been a life-changing experience.

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      I agree, Edward. Thanks so much for commenting and sharing your experience.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • kalinin1158 profile image

      Lana Zakinov 21 months ago from California

      Some of these are horror stories that I'm sure caused nerve damage and grey hair to the parents, but at least it was all worth it...right? (I am currently childless :))

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      kalinin1158,

      Well, actually we laugh about the waterbed incident. He was making his own Zorro movie at the time so we actually have footage of him looking down and saying "Oh, crap." It's kind of funny. Oh and he had a parrot at the time so after we drained off the carpet, 3 days later it started sprouting grass... or seeds the bird had kicked out of his cage onto the shag carpet. We suggested the boy had to mow the carpet after mowing the yard. It seems that later all the horror stories become amusing anecdotes to tell the grandkids. Pay back! Don't be afraid of having kids because of these stories. They really are worth it all. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • kalinin1158 profile image

      Lana Zakinov 21 months ago from California

      Well, horror stories for someone who doesn't have children :) But actually, as I'm reading this, it sounds more like a great adventure that is at times terrifying, but later you look at it as the best time of your life. Kind of like what Bill Murray's character said in "Lost in Translation": "You're terrified, and your life as you know it is over, but then they grow up, and they're like the best people you've ever met."

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      kalinin1158,

      Thanks for sharing that. I agree. I hope you find out for yourself someday.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • profile image

      iMANDY 21 months ago

      Perfectly written! I love this, well done! :)

    • phoenix2327 profile image

      Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 21 months ago from United Kingdom

      Shades of Erma Bombeck here. Great advice I wish I had known way back when.

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      phoenix2327,

      Thanks for the comment and visit. I had fun writing it.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      iMANDY,

      Thank you very much for commenting and visiting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • BlossomSB profile image

      Bronwen Scott-Branagan 21 months ago from Victoria, Australia

      I can relate to this so well! Thank you for the reminders and the fun.

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      BlossomSB,

      Oh, my pleasure. I was trotting down memory lane myself and didn't put in half the nonsense my kids got into. Thanks for visiting and commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • Ana Kolomeka profile image

      Ana Kolomeka 21 months ago from Big Island of Hawaii

      My favorite high school teacher covered basic parenting, but since I never had children, this is beyond my scope of practice. Cool "Comments" graphic!

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      Ana Kolomeka,

      Thank you. Since I'm an artist and designer I figured I should have cool graphics in my writing too. It only makes sense. thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • Pollyanna Jones profile image

      Pollyanna Jones 21 months ago from United Kingdom

      How funny! I told myself all these things; but then you learn that looking after a small child is like caring for an angry drunk. They shout, they throw things, the are completely unreasonable and illogical, and you end up cleaning up all their yuck. Love being a mom and wouldn't change it for the world - but you need a strong stomach and a good sense of humour!

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      Pollyanna Jones,

      An angry drunk! Well said. That's exactly what it's like. You seem to be speaking from experience too. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • MJStaysHome profile image

      Mary Jo 21 months ago from PA

      Kids!!!! Little adorable monsters! :)

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 21 months ago from Fresno CA

      MJStaysHome,

      So true, the voice of experience speaks. Thanks for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • kiddiecreations profile image

      N Kiddie 16 months ago

      I'm just starting out on my parenting journey (my son is 2 years old) but I've already found many of these to be true! Especially not wanting to eat healthy foods or try new foods! My son is such a picky eater.

      I love the photo of you knitting at the end. So cute! Whatever you're knitting is adorable too -- love the colors and the cute little sheep! :)

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 16 months ago from Fresno CA

      kiddiecreations,

      Thank you. That is a baby blanket I knitted for my granddaughter. Picky eaters are such a pain. One of my daughters refused to eat anything that had pepper in it. Lets face it, we normally sprinkle salt and pepper in just about everything. It was quite the pain to stop using pepper just so she would eat. The good news is that all this passes and eventually they learn to love just about everything you love. It just takes time. Thanks again for commenting.

      Blessings,

      Denise

    • CorneliaMladenova profile image

      Korneliya Yonkova 12 months ago from Cork, Ireland

      Oh, thank you for this amazing hub, Denise, it made me laugh and brought me memories of the time when I was raising my two daughters. They are still full of surprises, by the way. :D

    • PAINTDRIPS profile image
      Author

      Denise McGill 12 months ago from Fresno CA

      CorneliaMladenova,

      You are so welcome for the laugh. I think laughing is important medicine. I remember one time when my first baby girl at 18 months old had discovered her own diarrhea made an interesting smooth painting medium and she painted the walls with an interesting landscape. I couldn't help but laugh because, except for the smell, it was really quite good. I felt bad for having to wash it off. I appreciate you taking the time to visit my hub.

      Blessings,

      Denise

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