Help! My Boy Plays Like a Girl
While it may be initially distressing to see your young boy playing with dolls, dress up, pretending to cook and care for a baby, or to engage in other stereotypically female play, it is usually not a cause for concern. While cases of gender identity disorder and transgendered individuals do exist, they are rare, and in most cases boys playing with “girl” things is just a normal part of development. There are several common reasons for this, as well as some simple things that you can do to help shape his play and encourage positive development.
What is Cross-Gender Play?
In the case of boys, cross-gender play includes having and caring for babies, cooking, cleaning, putting on make-up, dressing up and carrying purses, or even asking to be a female character (Mom, sister, Grandma, etc) in play routines. Cross-gender play is a way for young boys (or girls) to explore the routines of the adult world without regard to the gender stereotypes present in adult society.
Reasons for Cross-Gender Play
The most common reason for this type of play is that Moms tend to be the primary caregiver for young children. That means that throughout the day, little boys see Mom going about her normal routine of caring for and nurturing them. Without going into traditional gender roles, it is more common for boys to see their moms cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and providing basic caregiver duties than for them to see dads doing these things. Because young boys look up to their moms, they want to be like them, and in a child’s mind, this means doing the things that mom does.
Another reason for this type of play is that boys are familiar with these activities. While they are with mom and see her daily, they rarely go to work with dad, and so do not know what he does or how he acts there. This means that kids may briefly try to pretend or figure out what he does at work, but this play quickly becomes too complex or loses its desirability, and boys revert to what they have a large repertoire of- mom’s activities. Children play what they see in real life.
Finally, children are curious. They are growing and becoming more aware of what they see around them. In turn, they want to act these things out because through doing them they gain a better understanding of the significance these actions play in adult lives. This is why young boys often are seen pretending to give birth to and care for young babies, cooking, shopping, dressing up or putting on make-up, and engaging in other female activities. This is actually an attempt to learn more, make connections, and the beginning of being able to empathize and engage in global thinking.
What to Do When You See Cross-Gender Play
The first thing to do is encourage it. Cross-gender play is a great way for little boys to learn more about traditional female roles in a safe and healthy way. This kind of play builds emotional depth and diversity, encourages empathy and nurturing skills, and helps young boys be more aware of those around them. It is a great way for boys to show a sensitive or caring side that is present in all children.
Another thing to do is to shape it. This means playing with your child or offering suggestions to your child. Encourage him to explore other types of cross-gender play. Ask him to show you what he thinks it means to go to the store, doctor or bank; to eat a meal; or to talk on the phone like a “mommy”. Challenge your son to play a “daddy” doing these things, and see how his play routines or actions differ. Also, play with your child and use the interactions to focus on making his play more realistic.
Finally, you can discuss your son’s play. Ask him to describe what he’s doing as he plays. Ask him why he’s doing things a certain way, if he’s pretending to be a certain person, or if there’s a reason he’s picking this particular play scenario. These are all ways to interact with your son and also to encourage his language and critical thinking skills. Doing this makes him more self-aware which leads to better emotional control and social skills.
In the end, boys will be boys and girls will be girls. However, the journey to that point is varies widely. Some boys always play like “boys” and some boys don’t. For a young child, engaging in cross-gender play is a way of expressing creativity, increases emotional development, and encourages critical thinking. Unless your son refers to himself as a girl all the time, denies his male gender, and refuses to have any association with male clothing or toys, this kind of play is usually not a concern and can, in fact be a great teaching and learning opportunity.
