How To Threaten Your Kid

Right off the top I want to say to all you would-be chastisers that you should not threaten your kid. Love them, punish them, reward them, and negotiate with them. But if you do threaten them, only make threats you are fully prepared to carry out. If you threaten to kick them out of the house, ya better be ready to do just that, by gum, otherwise they'll be pushing back at every threat you make ever again.

I am not talking about dire threats, bucko. I'm talking about threats that are going to get you somewhere, threats that will get a room clean or the homework done but won't make your kid hate you too much. Threats like this:

• If you don't do your homework NOW, I am going to dress in a turkey costume, introduce myself as your parent and do a Thanksgiving presentation in front of your class.
• If you don't clean your room by X o'clock, I'm going to clean it. Everything I find out of place that I like, I'm going to keep. Or better yet, I'll give it to your sister.
• If you don't tell me where you are going and whom you are going with, I will get a Facebook page and friend all your friends.
• If you don't tell me where you are going and whom you are going with, I will hunt you down and join you and your friends in whatever activity you are doing.
• If you don't do your laundry, I'll do it with this lime green bathrobe and every piece of clothing you own - bras, underwear, socks, jeans - everything will be some shade of green. Yup. Every day for you would be St. Patty's Day.
• If you don't put the notebook computer away when you're done with it, I will use parental controls to restrict your Internet access to Disney Kids sites only.
• If you don't treat your nine-year-old little sister with respect, I will give you the same rules I give her. Yup, your bed time's gonna be 7:30 and you'll only be able to watch G-rated movies. Does that work for you?
• If you don't take out the trash I will take something of yours you really like and take it out with the trash every single day until you own nothing.
• If you are stingy with your sibling I will give them your allowance.
• If you slam your door, I will take it off and put up a curtain. Slam that.

A nice touch, follow each threat with, "You have ten seconds to comply."

Do I use these threats? Of course not! MY kids are good.