ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How To Get a Child to Stop Smarting Back

Updated on March 27, 2011

Step outside of the box and consider this idea...

Stop referring to your child's smarting back as Smarting Back. Yes, that's what I said. Go ahead, read it again if you need to. This is all in love, as I am a mother of three, and the oldest one has a history of being quite the Sassafras! (Long for Sassy!)

So what do I mean by stop referring to your child as smarting back? When we think of our children's *worst* traits, we often see them more clearly, more often, and they intensify. Why does this happen? Some might chalk it up to realizing the truth and it just shows up for us. Others might say what we focus on becomes bigger. I tend to side with the latter.

To answer the question, try this: Write a list of all of your child's really irritating qualities and the feeling it brings up in you. Yes, you. Children do have a magnificent way of pushing our buttons. This can be an opportunity for us to do some thoughtful introspection, if we choose.

So you have your list going, you can make it as long as you want. Now, write a list of qualities you like in your child and how you want to feel or enjoy feeling (not how you necessarily think you should feel). Your lists might look something like this:

Irritating Qualities:

  • says things in a tone I hate
  • talks back
  • chews with mouth open
  • leaves clothes on floor
  • doesn't take care of chores

How I feel when my child shows these qualities:

  • like she's a brat (go deeper)
  • like she will make me look stupid (deeper)
  • like she is irresponsible (that's about her, not you)
  • angry that she doesn't listen
  • furious when she embarrases me around others

  • sad because maybe I've done something wrong to influence her to be this way

  • guilt for not knowing how to get my child to be respectful

What I like about my Child:

  • she's creative, I love her art
  • she is talkative
  • she knows what she wants
  • she likes to pick up when we do it together
  • she likes to spend time together
  • she is trying to do her best (she's just a kid)
  • she reads well

How I want to feel and experience my child:

  • I want my child to be respectful
  • I want my child to pick up after herself
  • I want my child to mind her manners

  • I want to notice what I like about my child

  • I want to enjoy my child
  • I will focus on what I appreciate about my child

Each morning, take some time to review what you do appreciate in and want with your child. You will likely find that these qualities show up more so in your life.

This is a look into the whole picture, not a short solution of what to do in the moment. I think it starts with situations such as the one you describe and it's what we do with them.

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in our role as parents and what we should do, shouldn't do, how they're turning out, what they're doing, saying, and how this all reflects on us and what our lives are made of.

At the end of the day, parenthood can be one big mess of a guilt trip... or we can take it as an opportunity to adventure towards our best Self and enjoy this parenting journey we have embarked upon. The choice is yours!

About Rainbow Recognizer

Amy Phoenix is a gentle, yet direct parenting guide and healing facilitator dedicated to sharing insights and practices to transform frustration and anger, heal the past and nurture conscious relationships – to appreciate all aspects of life. Visit her at www.innatewholeness.com.

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)