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My "How not to..." list

Updated on August 29, 2012

The internet is full of advice on how to do everything from tie your shoe to clean your dentures. Here is a list from my personal experience on how not to do certain things. I hope you enjoy it!

How not to...

get your name in the family will...

...assume your future father-in-law saw you tie his shoelaces together at your future brother-in-laws wedding. Even if he was watching you do it!

end up with an expensive girlfriend...

...after two weeks, tell her your done impressing her, she pays her own way from now on. (Then he bought me dinner)

keep your boyfriend in the dark about the other guy your seeing...

...get wide eyed and exclaim "you saw me" and turn red when his friend asks "who was that guy you were with at lunch yesterday" just to tease you, never suspecting you were actually with someone. (this happened to someone else I know)

keep your husband from worrying after wrecking the car...

...take pieces of your fender into his office and say "I think I broke it"

stay dry on the walk into Olive Garden in the rain ... around the front of the car while the kind hostess with the umbrella comes around the back to help you in. (my date thought it was hilarious to watch her chase me all the way in the front door)

keep those new sunglasses...

...stick your head over the side of the small prop plane you're in when the canopy is pushed back. (I wasn't really sure what had happened at first)

make soup...

...leave it boiling on the stove while attending an all-day kindergarden field trip. (almost caught the house on fire. I'm no longer allowed to make soup)

Make it across the street from Kohl's to Walmart in 5 minutes...

...Get lost. (My husband still doesn't let me live this one down. I called him to say I was lost and ask how to get to Walmart from Kohls. I about died when he exclaimed, "It's across the street!" Unfortunately I had already driven several miles in the wrong direction and ended up in an unfamiliar part of town. Brainfart. I've only lived here for 11 years)

save your mom some grey hair...

...refuse to consider an alternate to your outdoor wedding site when you're in the path of a hurricane. (read about it in my hub 'A wedding story')

impress your girlfriend on a first date...

...tell her how beautiful she looks in the picture on the mantle when it's a picture of her sister.

sell a car...

...begin by telling your customer that she is not worth you time, then begrudgingly help her anyway. Follow this by informing her that a used car with 100,000 miles on it is more reliable than a new car...after all it takes 100,000 miles to break it in and get all the bugs out. Finally, when she doesn't commit to your suggestion immediately, have your manager stand in the doorway of your cube and not let her leave until she makes an appointment to bring her husband back to finish the deal. (For those of you in Phoenix, this was how I was treated at Van Chevrolet in Scottsdale when I told them I was replacing a stolen car)


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