- Family and Parenting
How to Handle Angry Parents Shouting at You
It's never easy when you're a kid and your parents are yelling at you - sometimes it's just easier to let your parents blow off steam before you attempt any explanation. If your explanation starts off with blaming others, or making an excuse for yourself you can forget it.
Having been a kid before (it wasn't 'that' long ago, I promise...) and being a parent (my wife still thinks I'm a kid), I think we'll be able to discover a few things about what parents want, and what you want, and see if there is some cozy little spot in the middle where everyone can at least be a little content.
In this hub, we'll explore the following topics that will help you to have a better understanding of why your parents are shouting at you:
- Dealing with Angry Parents
- How to Handle Anger
- Parents Don't Understand
- Parents Want the Best for Their Children
- Children Want to Please Their Parents
- When the Line Between Discipline and Abuse is Crossed.
Dealing with Angry Parents
Whether you're 9 or 39, if your parents are angry at you, it still kind of gives you the same feeling that it did all those years ago. However, if you're any adult, if you don't like what you're hearing, you can easily jump in your car and leave - not so if you're 9.
When dealing with parents that are angry, it's a crazy mixed up emotion that can excellerate into the unknown, or it can run it's course, and slowly lose steam until it pewters out. If you're a teen or pre-teen, you have to handle the situation with self control, and a boat load of tact.
You have to realize how you are communicating with your body - what your body-language is saying sometimes speak louder than what the words coming out of your mouth is. This is why a lot of misunderstanding comes about when you feel you haven't said anything to upset your parents, but your 'eye-rolls' speak your disagreement.
Once your parents are angry with you, gauge their anger - you should know more than anyone else at what level they're at. Know when to speak, and when to just hang your head and take it - especially if it's something that you know is wrong. Be mindful of your body language - it can make the difference between a phone privilege being regulated or a two week grounding.
When your parents are winding down and the intervals of silence become widely spaced, it is time for you to talk. If you know it's something that you were at fault with, anything other than I'm-sorry,-it's-all-my-fault, I didn't think it through... will only kick-start the anger again.
How to Handle Anger
Anger is a very powerful emotion. Some people have no problem showing everyone how angry they are - others, hide their anger and implode on themselves rather than out towards anyone. Still others gunny-sack their anger, they keep filling it with issues that make them upset while still portraying a happy-go-lucky outward attitude. But when you gunny-sack problems, there is only so much issues that it can hold, and once the limit is reached, it's a Krakatoa eruption. Unfortunately, sometimes the thing that pushes them over the top is a very minuscule issue - and the damn breaks.
It's never good to conceal your anger, it's an emotion that needs it's day in the sun. But, you can't just let it loose un-checked, you have to control it. Let out a little leash at a time and keep a tight grip on it or it will yank free, and everyone, including yourself we be hurt.
Always wait a bit until your anger has been given time to wane, if you go into a situation while you're still hot, no good can come from it. You won't be thinking straight, and things will be said that you will wish was never uttered.
Once you've calmed yourself, you can confront the person and begin by saying something along the lines of:
"...You know, I was really upset about what you did/said today/yesterday/this morning. I didn't appreciate that at all..."
When confronting the person, be very specific what the incident was that made you angry, and when it occurred. Don't bring it up if it was weeks ago, and don't put blame on the wrong person or this may blow up on you.
If the person apologizes, then all is not lost. If he/she doesn't care about the whole situation, then you'll know that you don't have to take anything from this person because he/she is not your friend. Be direct, and straight to the point. Don't let them cut you off - make sure all you have to say is said, and don't apologize for your being hurt, you'll feel better about yourself after all is said and done. If after you've said your piece, they say anything resembling, "...I'm sorry you feel that way..." or anything other than 'I'm sorry', they haven't taken responsibility for it. You may have to re-think if this person's friendship is worth it at all.
Excerpt from Anger Management
Parents Don't Understand
Sometimes parents don't understand, or they forget how important the situation was when they were your age. Sometimes they remember all too well what the situation was like and that's why you're not going to that un-chaperoned party at Lexy's this weekend.
There are several reasons why parents lean one way for this, and lean the other way for that. Usually, it's experience. I had a motorcycle when I was a teen, and offered to give a girl-friend a ride home. When her father saw us pull up, he had a cow. My cool James-Dean-like persona gave way to just some teenage kid that took another teenage kid's life into his hands.
In my defense, it was no different than if I pulled up in a car - but if I had, her father wouldn't have even looked twice. I found later, that he had gotten into a bad accident on a motorcycle when he was young. This became his reasoning behind motorcycles. If the situation was that he was assaulted while he was a paperboy, you can bet that none of his kids would have a paper route.
This is why it seems that parents don't understand, there actually 'is' reason to the madness. If there is any danger to you at all, you can bet that they won't listen to what you feel is reason, but if you approach them with sound reasoning and an intelligent and level-headed tone, they will be willing to listen. Plead your case without the wining, and stick to the facts, you just might chip away at their solid exterior to reveal some of the mushiness that makes them fold like a house of cards.
Parents Want the Best for Their Children
Believe it or not, most times, parents just want what's best for their children. It's in the mix somewhere between what they want for you, what they want for themselves, and what they had or didn't have at your age.
If you believe your parents really want what's best for you, than you have to prove that what you want for you is actually in line with what they want for you. You have to grow up just a little bit here when it comes to not always getting your way. You should know what battles you have a chance at fighting and winning, and what battles you don't even want to get mixed up in. Choose your battles wisely, and make sure it's something that you feel strongly for, just make sure that you have reasoning behind your action. If you can present your case to you parents with sound reasoning - even if you don't get your way - you can bet that the next time your parents will be affected and impressed with how you are bringing about issues that are important to you.
If you put your mind to what is important to your parents, you will know what they expect of you, and you will also know what will disappoint them. When you know you're wrong, it will make things go a lot smoother when you step up and admit your wrongdoing.
Children Want to Please Their Parents
...and Yes, children want to please their parents. Sometimes theres a disconnect and neither parent nor child knows how to reach the other. If a child is looking for attention and only gets it when he/she does something wrong, and gets nothing when something good is done, then doing something wrong is what the child will continue to do.
This is why as parents, we need to be more involved especially in the up-bringing stage where experiences begin to shape the child. If the child is not given guidance during this period, it's harder to try to guide them when they are teenagers. It's hard enough trying to keep teenagers on a path - because surely they know everything about life at this age (or at least this is what their mantra is when we try to guide them).
As for kids, sometimes it's hard enough just to be a kid - what with the bullies at school, the opposite sex, and puberty to contend with. What adults think was the best times of their life could be the worst times to a kid just trying to make it.
To kids/teenagers, I would say, everything changes and nothing stays the same. If you don't like something about your life, yourself, your face, your friends, your school... don't worry, everything changes. At this point in your life, it's all about changes - give it a chance, don't put too much pressure on yourself, and experience everything! If it hurts, experience that too - when (yes, when) your heart gets broken, you'll never forget it. You have a lot to do with how you end up; bad choices that you make will lead you to a place where you won't want to be. On the other hand, good choices will lead to endless opportunities.
For parents, it seems like the first kid we have, we make all our mistakes with. By the time our grandchildren come about, we have it all nailed down. If your parents are around when you find yourself in a bad place with your kids, ask your parents - we never stop being their kids you know. If I could give you any one piece of advice, it would be to spend the time with your kids as their growing up. You might think that this is the most opportune time to make the most of your career, but your kids just want your time, and you to be there. In all you do, have peace. Kawi.
To Spank or Not to Spank
When it comes to my children and discipline:
When the Line Between Discipline and Abuse is Crossed
In the old days - and when I say old, I mean in the 1960s and earlier - discipline meant spanking. I still remember going over to my neighbor's house and seeing my neighbor's dad just beating the living daylights out of his oldest 17 year old son. This was not totally unusual - if you were growing up in that era, you seen a lot of abuse. It happened all around you, and sometimes, the teachers did the worst damage. I mean, gee, they used to used paddles to whoop kid's behinds if they got into trouble - and it was perfectly normal for the school to whoop your kids but.
I wasn't spared in any of this, although the times were changing when I was coming of age, it went on, but not as open as it used to be. The words 'physical abuse' were new hot-button words and the newspapers and local news started covering events of horrible abuse. Arrests were being made, and everyone talked about it.
If you're a parent, and you have anger issues that have, or may cause you to harm your family, get help. If you're a child and you are being abused, talk to your teacher, they will be able to get help for you, and hopefully your parents.
So when is the line crossed when it comes to discipline and abuse? If discipline is handled when a parent is angry, it probably has already crossed into abuse. Discipline occurs when parents want what is best for their child. Discipline is handled not with anger, but with love. A child should know by his/her actions, that they will be disciplined for it. It should never feel as if it came out of the blue, but whenever the offense occurs or re-occurs. Cuddling, kisses and hugs is perfectly fine, it shows that the parents don't want to discipline their children, but if they continue to disobey, they will be punished for it. Now it's perfectly fine if you don't believe in spanking your children, and it's okay if you do. As long as we always have the child's best interest in mind.