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How Can I Have a Baby Easily?

Updated on September 8, 2020

Many people the world over want to know how to have a baby, but are unfamiliar with the secrets required to get one. Once you understand the secrets of baby-making, you need not struggle with how to get a child and can get started with the process of making a baby in as little as five minutes. Before you know it, you'll be a loving parent. Having a baby can be fun, but it is also time-consuming and tiring, so having a baby should not be entered into lightly. However, should you determine that you would like to bond with a child, this guide will show you how. There are several different approaches one can take to acquiring a baby and I will explain each of them.

Learn the secrets of baby-making and one of these can be yours.
Learn the secrets of baby-making and one of these can be yours.

Do you want your own baby or do you want to adopt?

The first question one must answer after deciding to have a baby is this: do I want my own baby or am I perfectly satisfied with just any rug scraper?

If you want your own baby - one that grows inside of you - then you're going to need a partner or be inseminated artificially. If you choose the latter option, you're going to need a lot of money because artificial insemination is really expensive. It's a lot cheaper to have sex, so having a significant other around is helpful and money-saving if you want to have a child. If you are reasonably attractive, you can probably get a man to have sex with you for free. If you are ugly, you can probably pay a man to have sex with you. However, I do not recommend telling them you want a baby as most men are extremely averse to having children or fathering one knowingly. So just keep that part of it to yourself.

Another way to get a baby is to buy one. This is called adoption. Although babies are not for sale on Ebay or Amazon, an amazing number of people and countries sell babies. Usually, this requires registering with an adoption agency and going through a long process that may take several years. If you want to avoid this process and move right to the end result, you can often travel to one of these countries and simply take a baby from off the street. Women in many of these countries simply leave their babies lying around. However, if you decide to take one of these babies and you are caught by the local authorities, you will probably be executed or forced to watch endless reruns of "The Nanny" or eat your own feces, depending on the country. So, before you attempt to steal a child, know the rules in the country you are visiting. However, I hear it's really easy in Tunisia.

Which Country is it Easiest to Steal a Baby?

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Stealing a Baby in the United States

Stealing a baby is an option for some people in the United States, but not a highly recommended one. However, should you choose to steal a baby, doing so comes with many risks. Most of those risks involve jail and potentially the electric chair if you don't take care of the baby properly. However, if you're really desperate, here are some ideas:

  • Hospitals - It used to be a lot easier to go into a hospital and take a baby than it is today. With the advancement of security techniques, hospitals have now started utilizing video cameras and locked doors to keep would-be kidnappers out of the baby farms. Also, hospitals are much less likely to keep all newborns in one place, preferring to put them directly into their mother's arms shortly after birth. This is a change that has been made using something called science. Anyway, unless you have plans to bypass security and rip your potential new child from its mother's arms, it's unlikely this will work.
  • Day Care - Day care facilities are much less secure than hospitals and it's much easier to walk in and take a child. However, as with hospitals, personnel are an annoying problem. Usually, if the day care is a good one, it has a certain ratio of care givers to children, so the possibility of taking a baby without being seen is small. Also, a problem with very small infants is they don't move, so the day care personnel usually know where they are and generally don't leave them alone as they require constant attention. If you can be satisfied with an older kid, you have a better chance of escaping without being arrested on the spot.
  • Parks - A park might be your best best for stealing a infant as parents, usually mothers, who hang out there tend to talk with each other and become distracted. So, if you're particularly stealthy, you might be able to sneak up on them and take their baby without being noticed.
  • Walmart - It's been scientifically proven that people who shop in Walmarts take care of their babies less well than people who shop in other stores. People who shop in Walmart tend to let their children run around and wreak havoc. If you see one of these children, just grab them. Generally, people who shop in Walmart will leave their babies lying around.
  • Bars - Probably the best place to steal a child because generally, a parent who brings their baby to a bar isn't too interested in being a parent. If you find a baby carrier just sitting around in a bar, it's an open invitation to take it. The parent probably won't even notice it's gone.

Baby Locator Guide

Find a baby easily with this simple locator guide.
Find a baby easily with this simple locator guide.

Which is Better?

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Borrowing Somebody Else's Baby

Borrowing somebody's baby, presumably with their knowledge, is a good option for many people and lies somewhere between actually having a baby and stealing one. Another concept roughly equivalent to borrowing a baby is called babysitting, which is where you take over the parenting duties of somebody else in exchange for money because the parents are usually so sick of their child they can't stand to be around it anymore. Thus, if you have a friend who already has a baby, offer to babysit. Not only will you be doing something nice for your friend, you'll get actual, first-hand experience of what it's like to have a baby and be a parent. After experiencing what this is like, you may decide you want to have your own or not to have your own. Just be warned, parenting is not that fun and you may be entirely turned off about having a baby of your own.

What's the Best Way to Get a New Baby?

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Should You Have a Boy or a Girl?

Whether or not to have a boy or a girl is often one of the hardest questions when deciding to have a baby. Fortunately, something called science has made choosing a gender easy, particularly when sex is the method one chooses to produce the baby. The process is simple. If you want to have a boy, do boy stuff while having sex, like watching football. If you want a girl, watch girl shows, like soap operas. It can also be helpful to drink apple juice before sex if you want a girl and orange juice before sex if you want a boy. If you really want a girl, where women's clothing and put on lipstick while having sex. If you want a boy, repeatedly slap your partner's rear end during intercourse.


As thoroughly documented in this article, having a baby need not be difficult. There are many babies out there that you can have, though not all baby production methods are legal. Ultimately, the easiest way is to produce a baby yourself, with a partner. Good luck!


I don't often provide disclaimers with my satire. However, I'm going to make an exception here because I've found that no matter how obvious I think a joke might be, there are an increasingly alarming number of stupid people on this planet who wouldn't know sarcasm if it came up and slapped them in the face, which is technically impossible because sarcasm isn't like a person who can slap. Anyway, if you've come to the end of this article and are now actually thinking of stealing somebody's baby, you are an idiot. Sadly, there's not really that much you can do about being an idiot. However, I would recommend these things for you: read some books, attend some classes at your local community college, consult some friends that are smarter than you and asked them what they did to become smart, watch something other than Fox news.


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