How to Manage Sibling Rivalries

Every parent hopes that their children will get along fantastically from childhood to adulthood, but that is seldom a reality. Sibling rivalries have existed all throughout history—just ask the Boleyn sisters or Cain and Abel. Whenever there is more than one child living at home, it is nearly impossible to avoid a rivalry. While you can’t entirely limit siblings from getting on each other’s nerves or getting into arguments, you can identify the causes of conflict and brainstorm ways to manage the rivalry.

There are usually multiple factors in sibling rivalries, and each factor exacerbates tensions. If you can eliminate a few of these trouble-causing stressors, your children are more likely to get along, even if they don’t always see eye-to-eye.

The Family Hierarchy

Kids often look at birth status as a pecking order. The first born child may feel superior because they came first, or the last child may feel like they don’t matter because they were an afterthought. Furthermore, the middle children may feel like they’ve been lost in the shuffle, especially if there are only one or two years between each child.

Age Difference

A general rule is to leave a three-year gap between children, especially the first and second. An all-too-familiar scene occurs when a first-born child receives 100% of the attention all of his or her life, and then a new baby comes along. All of the sudden, their Mommy and Daddy seemingly have a new center of the universe. While a three or four-year-old may still feel this way, they will be more self-sufficient than a two-year-old, and more emotionally ready for a younger sibling. Often a larger gap is better as more mature children rarely fight with siblings five years younger than them.

Gender

Many children may feel jealous of their sibling based on gender. This is usually caused when one child feels as though one or both parents prefer a child of the opposite gender. For example, if a parent shows more interest in a son’s sports program than a daughter’s dance practice, the daughter may feel neglected or less than her brother and lash out.

Proximity

If it can be arranged, each child over the age of three should have their own room. When children are forced to share a room, they feel cramped and stuck with the other siblings. Privacy issues arise when younger siblings go through an older sibling’s belongings, and this can foster resentment between both parties.

Eliminating sibling rivalry is always the ultimate goal, but often you can only minimize the issues and decrease resentment over time. Remember, it is always easier to prevent sibling rivalry than it is to eliminate it once it’s begun. The below rules should help build a foundation for avoiding or decreasing animosity between children.

Avoid Sibling Caretaking

It’s always easy to use an older child or teenager as a babysitter for their younger sibling, but it isn’t always the best decision. This can foster a feeling of resentment toward their younger sister or brother. The older sibling may feel like the younger is preventing them from going out and enjoying themselves, especially if they are babysitting regularly.

A great way to bond older and younger children is to have an older sibling help out without fully taking on the caretaking responsibility. For instance, they can help feed their infant sister a bottle, which is a bonding experience for both parties.

Never Compare Your Children

Everyone knows that favoritism is to be avoided, but one sure way to ruin a child’s self-esteem and build resentment is to say something like “Why can’t your grades be as good as your brother’s?” or “Why doesn’t Johnny ever forget to take out the trash?” Your children aren’t going to try to be like their “better” sibling, they’re going to learn to dislike them for being the golden standard that they can’t achieve.

Be Fair

Most parents believe they’re always fair, but behind many decisions rest a bias, be it based on favoritism, age, or gender. Make sure that you’re treating each child the same, dealing out similar punishments for comparable crimes, and not playing favorites. Every child wants to be loved, so make sure you’re spending an equal amount of time with all of them. Never punish one child in front of another.

Let Kids Be Kids

Don’t step into quarrels immediately. Sometimes siblings are able to work together and settle their differences without getting into arguments, yelling, or fighting. When things turn into a yelling match, or if an argument turns violent, it’s time to step in. Otherwise, your children need to learn to solve some of their problems themselves.