I Dont Hug

I do not hug.

I hate it. I think hugging is a weird, bubble interfering ritual that was specifically made to make people uncomfortable. How is hugging people when you see them acceptable? What is wrong with a simple "Hello" and a smile? My best friend is a hugger. She will hug everyone and everything, She loves hugs. She wants to be a professional snuggler. She makes me hug her sometimes, and it's usually followed by "its like hugging a brick wall".

I hate when people blame their current problems on their childhood. I am a take responsibility for your life person. But...It's my moms fault.

She was a moody, unpredictable, volatile person. Her temper was legendary and her tendency to use physical discipline the norm. When she reached for me, even to show affection, I would flinch. When she told me on the rare occasion that she loved me I took it as a threat. My brother was put into foster care when he was 13, we joke that he was lucky to go to a group home.

As I got older and started to date, physical affection was hard for me to show. I had the text book trust issues that usually come with a crazy childhood, the flair for dramatics and the early pregnancy. After I had my son I really saw my mother. I mean REALLY saw her. Growing up I thought that she was a normal mother. I thought all moms acted like her. But after my baby was born, I realized that wasn't true. Because I would not be like her. I did not want my son growing up afraid of me, I did not want my son thinking I was crazy, I did not want him to not know affection.

So I quit her. I quit being her daughter. I haven't spoken to her willingly since 2000. Unwillingly aka court mandated since 2003...but that's another story.

Since then I have married and had another son. I hug my kids everyday. I tell them that I love them every morning, every evening and when I leave. When my son left for college I'm sure my heart broke a little it hurt so bad. My youngest is so used to being smothered in kisses and hugs that I'm afraid that he will lean to the promiscuous girls to get his daily dose of love. With my husband its harder. I love him and truly think he is my soulmate. But showing physical affection is a work in progress, even after 9 years together. It's not the sex, we have that as much as we can with an interrupting toddler. Its the regular everyday affection. I have to remind myself to give him a hug and kiss when he gets home. I have to remember that he wants a spontaneous kiss now and then, to scooch on over when were watching a movie and snuggle in with a blanket. I honestly enjoy his hugs. His arms feel like home when he wraps them around me. But that's as far as it goes.

I have been known to stop huggers in their tracks. I have bluntly told new friends that I do not hug. I have a reputation among family, friends and co workers that I will not press my body against them in a strange form of greeting. And they can thank my mother for that. But my children can also thank her for the affectionate mother that I am. Or curse her for it.