- Family and Parenting»
- Advice & Tips for Parents of Teens
I cant feel my face
I cant feel my face
The day I started to die was the most normal day of my entire life. Now I know that sounds sensationalist but I swear that’s how it felt like. Felt like I was losing touch with everything and soon I would just lose myself and die. I felt like my body was on the ‘outside’ and I was just above myself watching things happen. I wasn’t tired or uncomfortable or in pain. Everything felt fine. It was just that it felt like someone else was feeling them on my behalf. I went to work and everything was fine. But it was like there was someone else making me do what I did. I stared at myself in the mirror for about 30 minutes because while everything looked fine, it felt like part of my body was distorted. I was numb to the world and too freaked out about it to enjoy it. I couldn’t attach a single emotion to the thoughts I was thinking. When I called up a memory it felt like there was someone remembering them for me. They didn’t feel like my own memories. It was like living in a movie. It was like living in a black and white world. Everything was colorless. I was living in 2D and there was something just out of my reach. To top it all off, I was hyper aware of everything. I could see everything with intense clarity. I knew where I was and what I was supposed to be doing but it felt like I was arranging it all for someone else to do. And it went on for hours. I was freaked out because it felt like an omen, a harbinger of some un-niceness that was going to happen soon. There was a glass wall between me and this world and I lost hope that it would ever get better. I loved it. I’m lying, no I didn’t. I didn’t feel like I had a self and thought that I was living objectively. I knew I had feelings but I couldn’t feel them. My thoughts felt cottony. Because I didn’t know what to do at that time I thought I’d write this. Yes, all these things are happening now, to me, at this very moment. I put earphones in to discourage conversation and made plans to wtf my way through it. So far so good. As far as I know no one can tell. For some reason it’s very important that no one know. I don’t know why that is but I have to trust the instinct to keep it hidden. That’s just about the only thing I can trust. I’ll save any important judgements for tomorrow. Hopefully the cloud should have passed. I’ll talk to you on the other side of this day because I am really totally completely weirded out. And like I’m telling you, I don’t know if that means I’m about to die or about to live.