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If history is any indication...
The past is history...
When I write and revisit my past I do not re-live it, I am just grateful to be where I am now. We all have a history and a past, but sometimes in order not to repeat the past we must re-examine it. Sometimes the mistakes, hardships, and trials, are painful, but they remind me how far I’ve come and make me even more grateful for all the blessings I have now, many because of living through and overcoming those hardships and trials. When I write about or talk about my past, I do so with a thankful heart and a positive outlook. I know that in overcoming and enduring trials I discovered an inner strength I was not aware of. However painful or devastating it may have seemed or felt at the time I was going through it, on the upside, I made it through it.
Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, but ultimately I always walk away with a deeper understanding of myself, not always in a spiritual or melancholy way, but more often than not in a comical or humorous way. I always tell my friends however tragic my life may seem or sounds, may be, or is…it could be perhaps, depending on how you look at it. Sure, some of what I have endured is tragic and disturbing, and was not easy, and it would be tragic, if it were not so damn funny. Okay, so maybe I have a warped or twisted sense of humor, but I find that to laugh at myself and keep a good sense of humor about things rather than crying about it, seems far easier for me to remain happy, positive, optimistic, or at the very least, somewhat hopeful, for better things to come. Don’t get me wrong, I do and have done my fair share of crying, I am highly sensitive, as my family and friends can, and will attest to. I just don’t like to stay crying, and if I did not have my sense of humor, my faith might have gave way a long time ago.
I spent my life as the clown, the happy go lucky, crazy bi!*$, the say and do anything I want whenever I want kind of girl, with everyone, but my family. Those that know me, and know me best, are the ones that are still around me, and have been telling me for years that I needed to speak up in defense of myself, fight back, not physically, but verbally. They kept telling me for years, to stop listening to or trying to fix things within my family, keep peace within the family, by biting my tongue or apologizing for myself, my life, and for something I had nothing to do with. Something I had no earthly idea was going on, something I was not responsible for. Yet, I kept trying, and I am sure if asked, they would claim that they did too, at one time, but not now, not for a long time.
Doesn’t matter, the point is, when I look back on and reflect on my life, I do not do so in a negative, or depressing, way or mindset. I look back and saw/see what needed to be changed, what needs to be changed, and try very hard, am trying very hard, to implement the changes needed in order to obtain, accept, and receive the blessings in my life, and appreciate them, embrace them, as they come, and sadly, when they go.
Blessings come in many forms, and not all of them feel like ‘blessings’ when we are receiving them or enduring them, but all are blessings, good and bad, at least in my mind. This is why and how maintaining a sense of humor has been most helpful, for I would much rather laugh than cry, and I would rather find peace, solace, and comfort, in the hope and faith for better days to come, by way of comedy, and or by way of writing.
That doesn’t mean that I am always happy or always up, because my mind and mouth are always on, that’s something else I’ve struggled with all my life. I talk too much, I could and would slap myself sometimes, only I usually don’t realize I’ve done it or am doing it, until after I did it or have done it. I always joked about foot in mouth disease with my friends over the years-that maybe if I kept my foot in my mouth more often I would not be able to talk so much. I really hope, in all seriousness though, that I am an equally good listener too, when called upon. For I am so blessed with some of the most amazing group of family and friends anywhere-bold statement I know, but true, nonetheless. Therefore, I hope they know just how much I love them and cherish our friendships, and that I am nothing if not loyal. I just hope they all know I am there/here for them to listen, lean on, laugh, and or cry with, and yeah, if called upon, I would throw down with/for.
I am abundantly blessed with an awesome, eclectic, group of family and friends that I am blessed to share my life with, and that share their lives with me. They love, support, encourage, and believe in me and have saw me through some trying times, but what outshines and stands out as I reflect on the past, is how blessed I am and have been. There were many times, occasions, and events, I wanted to and felt like giving up, but because I knew they had my back, I knew somehow, someway, some day we’d pull through. The Lord blessed me with these people, to remind me of His infinite, unconditional love, for me, to give me strength and give me hope. Writing, talking, discussing, the past, doesn’t have to be a negative thing. When I write something, reflect, or recall, my past I do so in a most positive way. Whether it is done so in a serious tone or a comical one, it is healing and therapeutic at times, for me.
If I am suicidal, depressed, and or miserable, I won’t write or post it on FB, so if you read or are reading this, know that however dysfunctional I may seem, be, or sound, I am far too blessed to not appreciate my life. Faith, hope, humor, wit, and a spectacular group of family and friends, coupled with a sometimes painful, and checkered past, tells me there are better days to come. Writing about the past is just my way of reminding me just how strong I can be and am, and that nothing and no one is worth remaining miserable, bitter, angry, or unhappy for. Change will come, it always does,-the past proves it. We are all living proof of it. So stick around, if the past is any indication of that, things can, will, do, and tend to, get interesting.