ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Take the Time Today to Increase the Self Esteem of Your Family Members

Updated on May 10, 2021
denise.w.anderson profile image

Denise speaks from her own experience. She has had many trials and difficulties in her own life and seeks to help others through theirs.

Families and friendship go hand in hand.
Families and friendship go hand in hand. | Source

Why is a Family So Important?

Every family is different. Each has its own culture, personality, socioeconomic issues, and technological savvy. Yet even with all of these differences, families are defined by the fact that they live together as a group. Every day, they rub shoulders and in the process, affect one another in dramatic ways. These communications, whether verbal or non-verbal, have the potential of doing enormous good, or causing harm.

Validation check points are key times when family members are most vulnerable and internalize what is said and done by others into their core feelings of self worth. These include:

  • First contact in the morning
  • During meals
  • When leaving home
  • During decision making
  • Arriving home after being gone
  • Following a difficult experience
  • Last contact at night

The first contact in the morning often sets the tone of the day. A simple "Good Morning" says, "It is good to see you. I hope your day goes well." This may mean the difference between seeing the previous night as a good one, or finding something to complain about.

Words of greeting and appreciation are vital. A smile is the simplest act of service one can give when in the presence of a family member. It brings a ray of sunshine, and is most often met with a return smile.

Meal times are critical to the development of family camaraderie. Regular group meals where family members work together on preparation and clean up teach vital skills as well as spawning feelings of friendship. Stressful meal times lead to indigestion and poor sleep. Meal times with pleasant conversation feed a person physically, as well as mentally and spiritually.

Our families are our most important asset.
Our families are our most important asset.

When leaving the home, a person takes with them the last words that were spoken and integrates them into the forthcoming activities. When arriving back, they are processing what has recently occurred from the short to long-term memory. A pleasant greeting or a "Tell me about your day" keeps these memories in proper perspective.

Times of difficulty and decision making are often filled with self-reflection. Positive contact with family members during these times solidifies feelings of worth. A word of encouragement may make the difference between accomplishment of a goal and giving up. Listening helps the person to process what they are dealing with, facilitating problem solving and the making of plans for a better future.

The last words a person hears at night may determine the tenor of sleep and the ability of the person to process the events of the day. Hugs and kisses given generously help one settle down and relax for the night, and keep sleep disturbances to a minimum.

Understanding how our family's needs fit into our lives together helps us to meet them.
Understanding how our family's needs fit into our lives together helps us to meet them. | Source

Messages That Build Self-Esteem in the Family

According to Maslow's Hierarchy of human needs (see diagram above), the most important need we have is physiological, or food, water, and sleep. Next, is the need for safety. We want to know that we will be warm, safe, and protected. The third level of need is for love and belonging. These are followed by esteem and self-actualization. All of these needs are met within the family unit. Families that are able to get beyond physiology and safety are able to use validation check points effectively.

Research has shown that self-esteem comes from two different sources, how we feel about ourselves (who we are, "Be" messages), and what we think other people feel about us (what we do, "Do" messages). Using validation check points to send positive messages allows self-esteem to grow and flourish.

“Be” messages build bonds of trust. They give the assurance that the family member values the person and demonstrate unconditional love through affection, kindness, and active concern for the other’s welfare. Family members know each other intimately and are in a key position to give these messages regularly and generously.

Once a person knows that they are valued by another, “Do” messages are able to be accepted and internalized. They say, “I like what you are doing, and I want you to do it again in the near future.” When one rubs the other’s back and it feels good, a “Do” message would be, “Oh that feels good.” Another example would be a compliment after a meal, such as, “That lasagna was great.”

Expressions of gratitude or appreciation, praise for a job well done, acknowledgement of talent and ability, observations of tasks completed, and passing on information gained from credible resources are examples of “Do” messages. They build on the foundation of trust previously laid, and allow family members to inspire, strengthen, and uplift one another.

Examples of "Be" and "Do" Messages:

"Be" Messages
"Do" Messages
It is good to see you.
I like the way you were kind to her.
Good Morning.
You look nice today.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for your help with the dishes.
See you later!
Have a great day!
Tell me about your day.
I like it when you do that.
Welcome home!
I appreciate your input.
Let me give you a hug.
Keep up the good work.
I love you.
You did it!

Using positive “Be” and “Do” messages during validation check points, we can build our family's feelings of self-esteem. The benefits are far-reaching, for them, and for us.

I Love You, Too!*

“Luf oo Mommee!” my toddler exclaimed as she planted a fish kiss on my cheek.

“I love you, too, honey.” I replied, giving her a little pat on the diaper as she scooted off to play. There is so much to do and so little time. When will she ever grow up? I complained.

“Oh, mommy I love you!” said my preschooler as she thanked me for the latest batch of chocolate chip cookies.

“I love you, too! Sweetheart!” I replied, hoping that one more cookie would not contribute to too many cavities. One day she will be baking these herself, I determined.

“Mom, can I play with my friends today?” my youngster pleaded on the phone.

“Oh, I suppose,” I replied.

“Gee, thanks, I love you, Mom.”

“And I love you, too!” I said with a note of hesitation in my voice. When will my child stay home for just one day? She isn’t here when I need her! I mused.

“Bye mom! I love you!” my teen shouted as she ran out the back door.

“I love you, too!” I echoed as I pushed the door shut that she had left standing open. How quickly she recuperated from last night’s heated discussion, I noticed.

“Hi, Mom! Oh, how I have missed you! I love you!” My college sophomore rushed to greet and hug me.

“I love you, too, it’s so good to have you home again!” I replied with tears brimming in my eyes. "You have been gone so long! Let’s sit and visit for a while," I ventured.

“Mom, I can’t believe this is happening! I love you so much!” my darling daughter said as she put on her veil and straightened her wedding dress.

“I love you, too!” I said, but my thoughts were echoing, Where has the time gone, it was just yesterday that you were small!

*Poem "I Love You, Too" written by Denise W. Anderson

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2012 Denise W Anderson

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)