An Anniversary, Elegant Mother and a Hammer - What Could Go Wrong?

It was my parents’ wedding anniversary and Mom had spent a good deal of the afternoon getting “all dolled up” for an exciting and romantic night on the town. I watched as she expertly applied her 80s inspired makeup, threw her glorious raven locks into a French twist (with barely any dammits, 3 attempts and about 500 bobby pins), and donned a beautiful, flowing evening gown with sky high heels.

She was then ready to go out with a cautious optimism born from the knowledge that every previous anniversary has been spent fighting and going to bed fuming and facing opposite directions. I am sure she was certain it would “be different this time.”

It was nearing time for my Dad to return home from work, generously spritz on some Old Spice and be ready to lovingly yell to Mom, “Saddle up and get this show on the road.” Sigh.

Now, to be honest, I do not have the inside track on what was going on in Mom’s head as she determinedly stomped into our lush and grassy backyard in her elegant evening wear with a large hammer in hand.

She recounted later that a picket on our ancient wooden fence had “come loose” and clearly required immediate repair. I get it. There are emergencies - and then there are backyard emergencies. Apparently the backyard emergency takes precedence in Mom’s mind. Anything could happen! The board could become looser and actually enter the “jiggly” stage! My mind cannot even entertain what horrors might follow.

Needless to say, Mom was on task and ready to tackle the picket beast dilemma.

She made it safely across the yard, narrowly avoiding the deadly, hidden sprinkler heads, the gently hissing and most likely poisonous water hose, all the while avoiding tripping over our ever jubilant and bouncy dog, Holly.

Holly was thrilled that Mom had come out to “play” and continued bouncing directly around Mom as if there were a series of miniature trampolines built right into the ground beneath her paws.

Mom got to work on the suspicious nail that had somehow worked its way partially out of the fence. What sort of evil could be at work here? It did not matter, Mom forced the treacherous nail back into place and the crisis was thankfully averted!

Her job done, she happily turned to Holly and gave her a behind the ears scratch of victory! The dirty deed was done and it was time to return inside to anxiously await her shining knight and the romantic evening to follow.

The ever-jubilant Holly grew excited at the prospect of returning indoors, so she playfully took off at a healthy sprint around the yard. Mom apparently took this as some sort of joy-filled challenge and decided to participate in some harmless play with the dog. Always up for some fun, Mom took off after Holly at a full blown run.

The wind was in her slowly falling hair, the crisp, clean air gloriously filled her lungs and she was right on Holly’s tail. Holly picked up the pace and put all four of her legs into it. She was having a fabulous time! She gracefully leapt over the two foot, brick fence that surrounded the swimming pool and gleefully proceeded toward the house, ears flying, nearly at her final destination.

Mom did not think twice about making the jump. She dug her sexy high heels into the ground and launched herself over the short wall. Unfortunately, her heel did not realize how formidable the little wall was and was caught surprisingly unaware!

Not so surprisingly, Mom headed directly into an ungraceful nose dive. She literally bounced off of the thin strip of cool deck surrounding the pool, splashed painfully into the frigid water and unceremoniously smashed the trusty hammer she still valiantly held in her hand onto her head.

Mom was dazed, confused and obviously more than a bit disoriented when my brother and I rushed to the backyard hearing Holly’s frenzied barking. Holly had become our bouncy hero who clearly recognized a bona-fide backyard emergency! By the time we made it outside, Soggy Mom was slowly dragging herself up the pool steps.

It was a terrifying and worrisome sight to see. Mom’s mascara was running down her face like little black rivers of pain and humiliation. Her French twist was clearly untwisted, her elegant dinner ensemble was stretched beyond recognition, and she was still holding the hammer in a right-handed death grip.

Mom was openly sobbing by this time and clearly traumatized both emotionally and physically. My brother and I were understandably frightened and concerned. Oddly enough, we were relieved that there was no sign of blood and that mom was conscious. That’s always a good sign, right?

The evening was spent retrieving bobby pins from the pool, drying off and comforting Mom, tending her wounds and prying that damn hammer from her powerful grasp. Dad was absolutely shocked to return home to the shambles that was his wife and limited disappointment that the evening was a wash - literally.

Mom spent the evening resting on the couch with ice on her head while Dad shamelessly flipped television channels. My brother and I could see she needed rest but we insisted on hounding her with questions about the year, who the President was, and when my birthday took place. We continued to spout inane remarks to keep her away and ensure that if she had a concussion she would not slip into a dangerous coma.

I think Dad even put on some Old Spice.

Don’t be too quick to judge a fence picket as pure evil without supporting evidence. You can never know its true intentions.

It is also important to note that this was the very first anniversary on record that mom and dad did NOT spend fighting = SUCCESS!