Managing Tantrums in Public
The other day I was shopping with my two-year-old daughter at Wal-Mart when she decided she absolutely had to have, of all things, bananas. We had a bunch at home and I wasn't about to buy more just to make her happy. When I told her "no", she scrunched up her face and I started praying that she wasn't going to do what I thought she was gearing up for. Next came the big, pleading eyes, and I thought, "Oh Lord, here it comes!" The next thing I knew, she was throwing a full-out, kicking, screaming tantrum in the middle of the produce section. I tried picking her up to put her in the front of the cart, but couldn't get a grip on her while I was also holding my 9-month-old son. So, I sat down next to her and asked her, "Are you done yet?"
This is a familiar scene at my house, not because I'm a permissive mom, but because my daughter is 2 and very strong-willed. As a children's therapist, I learned a lot of ways to deal with tantrums and frustration, but as a parent, I've learned to be able to remember and use those strategies when I really want the floor to open up and swallow me because I'm so embarrassed. I know I'm not the only parent who deals with this, since I see it in almost every store I go into. I do know that I'm one of the parent's who's learned to deal with tantrums without getting angry or frustrated, or being ready to burst into tears.
The first thing I've learned, and the most important, is to stay calm. I count, I think of something else, I take deep breaths, I focus on the other child to find something to be thankful for, and I tell myself that I can't let her see me upset. If there's anything that a kid in a tantrum wants to see from a parent, it's for that parent to get upset. When we get upset, the kid wins. That kid has just completely disrupted our day and made us suffer for whatever the child is upset about.
The second thing I learned is to ignore, ignore, ignore. Make sure the child is safe, is not going anywhere, and will not break or damage anything. Then, let him or her cry it out. Talking, pleading, bargaining, and yelling all just make the situation worse. With a young child, one who doesn't understand yet that they can't always have their way, these behaviors just remind him or her of what it is that isn't "okay". Left to their own, young children will quickly calm down and forget about the problem. For older children, those who can understand "no" and have learned to push our buttons, pleading, bargaining, and other techniques will just give the child power to negotiate for something else. Ask yourself, if your child is doing something that is not acceptable, are you going to give him or her a reward? Of course not! So why allow a child who is tantruming over food or toys in the store negotiate to get something else instead? This just teaches the child that tantrums are effective. After all, isn't it better to get something, even if it isn't want you want, rather than nothing at all? By ignoring a child, you teach him or her that tantrums don't solve problems. Wait it out, and then move on.
Don't make promises you can't keep. It's easy, when staring at a screaming child, to say "when we get home, you're going to bed" or something similar. The reality, though, is that this doesn't work. Unless you are right around the corner from home, by the time you get there the child will have completely forgotten about the incident. Early bedtime, grounding, or losing a toy at that point will just start another tantrum. Also consider, is it something you can really do? Can you really go home and not go out again for the day? Can you really expect to deal with a cranky child who is stuck in his or her room all day? Instead, try talking it out. When your child has calmed down, talk about it. Say something like, "I know you're upset. I can see that from the way you were kicking and screaming and crying. The fact is, we're not getting this, and crying and screaming only makes you feel tired and yucky. Next time, if you really want it, ask nicely. If I say no, ask how you could earn it, or if you can get it later. That way I'll know you really want it, and you and I can talk about it calmly. I listen much better when you're being nice and using polite words than when you are screaming at me." I know, this sounds cheesy, but it works! Kids want to be noticed, and they want to be part of making decisions. If you give them a chance to talk about the decision, you are forming a team, and your kids will accept this and appreciate it. Even my daughter has learned that we can talk about it and that when I say "We'll get it later," it really does mean we'll get it later.
Learn to laugh. When all else fails, I sit down next to my daughter and let myself laugh at how absolutely ridiculous we both must look to everyone around us. This is a stress reliever for me, gives my back and feet a break as I'm waiting for her to calm down, and puts me in easy reach if she should try to take off. Sure, people stare at me, but hey, they've already been staring at my daughter, so who cares? Plus, seeing me sitting there laughing and waiting for my daughter to calm down usually gives other people a good laugh, and we all know we can use that! Learning to laugh rather than getting upset or cry teaches kids a couple of things. The first is that no one has the power to ruin my day. The second is that I'm always there for her. Hopefully, some day she will keep these things in mind in regard to peer pressure and other teenage and adult things.
So, as we were sitting next to the bananas at Wal-Mart, I finally sat down, patted my daughter's head and told her that we both must look really stupid. Then I laughed. And I kept laughing as she started to calm down. We got some stares, and I'm sure some people thought we were absolutely crazy, but who cares? Anyone who knew us would know what I was doing, and anyone who was really worth the time to get to know would have stopped to check on us. Everyone else can just go about their day and remember it as one more strange thing they saw while shopping. It doesn't bother me at all! And I know I taught my daughter that "no" means "no" without exception.
Oh, and by the way, the tantrums are still there, and still just as embarrassing, but are getting shorter and less in frequency. And if you see me in the store some day, sitting on the floor between my kids, laughing like crazy as they're both screaming it out, just shake your head and keep on going. Or, if you feel like it, stop and chat, and I'll tell you more.
