Mommy's Lessons Learned - Re-Learning How to Fly

So here I am sitting in bed thinking and reflecting, after reading the previous two blogs I submitted, which were written at the end of 2009..... Wow! how my girls have changed since then but more evident are the changes that have occurred within me.

I'm realizing more and more each day (with the appearance of each new gray hair) that though my deep seeded feelings regarding motherhood hasn't diminished, (I still consider it my greatest calling) I'm finding myself desperately trying to hold on to each fleeting moment of childhood from my two girls, now 11 and 15. Of course, sadly...time stands still for no one.

I find myself dreading the moment they'll leave my side....going off on their own. Through all the daily ups, downs, bickering and banter I still find so much joy in being such an important part of their lives and formation into adults. Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as being less invested and pulling away so as not to have my heart broken.

I suppose it goes way back to my own childhood, growing up an only child, being raised by a 6 day a week hardworking single mom who had so much against her yet prevailed for my sake. I didn't have much of a choice but to mature quickly in the company of my various adult caregivers, teachers, grandparents spending little time with peers and basically raised myself while my mom spent most of her time working or trying to catch up on much needed sleep. Because of that and all the moments my mom had to miss during my childhood, I made the decision when I had my children to be a mostly stay at home mom. I work part time two days a week only when they are in school, always there for drop off, pick up, plays, recitals, trips and school events. I consider it a privilege being there for every occasion but now I wonder what will happen to me when all that is behind them?

Is there such a thing as being too involved, too invested in your children? I fully see major empty nest syndrome in my future. This is what is now driving my writing....needing something to call my own....to now meet my needs (as foreign as that sounds and feels to me) , is a challenge I'm not so sure I'm ready for.

Weekly I tune into the NBC show-Parenthood. I've watched faithfully since it's first episode and not surprisingly I find myself completely in tune with the character of Sarah Braverman, a divorced mother of two, trying to raise her children as best she can while trying to recall what her true personal aspirations and passions in life are, looking for her purpose in life. All the while she's afraid to spread her wings after spending so much time taking care of her chicks in the nest.

This is exactly where I find myself these days. At a crossroads. Wanting to be a mommy forever yet knowing full well reality won't let that happen. Hopeful for a new chapter in my life.....finding the me of long ago, finally giving her a voice, finally letting her fly.

But before I can find my voice and spread my wings, there are still so many years of my girls lives to savor and learn from. After all I have only recently entered the teenage years. I’m trying to find that balance between understanding the awkwardness of it all according to my own experiences, yet knowing all too well that this is truly a much more complicated world our kids are growing up in. The hold of the cyber/social-networking world is a hard one to get a grip on. Thankfully we regularly have long talks regarding the importance of “old fashioned” social connections…writing…talking on the phone...spending time with real friends not just friends miles and continents apart on Facebook. I am truly amazed how many teens are involved in “relationships” and all it involves is texting, removing the whole process of true human interaction and replacing it with emoticons. That whole concept is a sad one for humankind. We are moving further and further apart from one another instead of learning from our peers and letting our common bonds unite us.

My goal is to fill their lives with all the love God gave me to share with them as their mother and as they grow I look forward to sharing the lessons of womanhood and dare I say it out loud ......motherhood.