My Own Daughter, Dads Own Words on What Being a Dad Really Means
What was there to life before my daughter arrived? Nothing worthwhile? Life passing by, like other countless millions, passing each other daily with barely an acknowledgeable grunt.
Acquaintances becoming friends over brief periods of time, friends becoming acquaintances even briefer, receding down to the annual meeting, then disappearing into the sands of time altogether. Relationships springing up then dwindling into the bottomless abyss, animosity rife in the souls lost in the entangled relationship jungle, another of cupids arrows that missed.
Shackled to the wanton need of greed, the necessity for financial wealth overruling sense and sensibility, never pausing long enough in our quest to be more affluent than our kin. This is an average life of a soul born into humanity, fed by our disillusioned parents on a diet of mediocre ideals and beliefs, we are the byproduct of all that affects us, physically and mentally, on our twisted journey throughout our existence from naked and bloody babes till death once again takes us back into his shroud.
A monotone life with with gentle rises and greater falls on the path to self enlightenment, ignorant of similar souls on the same path, ignorant to their perils, ignorant to their needs. My life is mine, selfishly I continued on my way, through my possibly preordained life, unknowingly emotionless, in my own blinkered quest.
My Daugther Arrives
Such was the ignorance of my own pitiful, yet strangely common, life. Once married, once divorced, cupids job on the rails again, medical professionals insistent upon my barren ability for offspring, tested, prodded, and poked to no avail, my life destiny entwines with the pathway of a solitary figure with no heirs. Month on month, year on year, time disappearing. Life getting shorter, death rubbing his hands with glee of another soul to come, dissatisfied with the offerings of a mortal life.
Then she came. A woman delivered unto me by whatever forces natural or not, into my barren, unforgiving, relentless work minded life, a new beginning, a chance of a personal re-birth for my selfish self, or a test sent from an authority on a different level, maybe.
Little time passed, a flash in life's great expanse of time, conception, a lump beginning to grow, unbelievable, new life emerging from barren wastelands, the ultimate genesis project, my own depiction of a stranded souls life on our globe transforming, blossoming like a cocoon opening to new beauty.
No more the selfishness of bygone years, myself morphing from ridiculed soul upwards toward a different unknown destiny, emotions changing directions like crystal snowflakes bounded by the winds. Parenthood looming in the air, actualisation of events forcing the obesity of greed from my once blurred mind.
Unto me this day is born a child. Overwhelming tsunami of emotional release, flushed from me the chains of life long ideals of greed, selfishness has taken his leave, the reason for my own life now apparent, deaths cloak can wait, new agendas are inscribed for me this day. A child is mine of the fairer variety, dainty and unsoiled by life's pressures, untouched by the madness of the human mind. New. Fresh. My rebirth from my offspring's birth. A new soul to lead me down a yet undiscovered path of emotional upheavals, my own soul now entwined with another, no longer blinkered, accepting into myself, there is no more just myself, a new previously unheard word touches my vocabulary, us.
Watching as time is rapidly speeding out of proportion, an angel transforming before my delighted eyes, life's upheavals of medical operations endured daily by masses globally now apparent, worry finds a niche within me, death will not take her, he will not. Scars heal over time, memories diminish but never disappear, ever watchful with our sapling, protecting her from mankind's ever growing obsession with self harm.
First steps turn to flight, whispering sounds coagulate to speech, sapling transforms to princess. Fathers pride abundantly obvious, joyful tears in a never ending stream, gushing at every turn in new directions, daily battle with outside influences, must protect new souls, distanced from human natural corruption, greed, selfishness, all things once held dear to myself, seemingly in another life. Change had found me.
Time ticks relentlessly, educational systems necessarily invade time together, entrusting your offspring to another influence, seemingly sharing parental responsibilities. Daily new landmarks abound, development in character apparent, life revolving around the carefully nurtured soul, vocabulary increasing. Sad shadows encroach at times of naughtiness, eyes water in the girl, tears trickle, sadness in both hearts, necessary enlightenment for protection, only momentarily, bond unbroken. Six years these two souls have danced together, never parting, though at times bodies distanced, one soul unrecognisably changed, a happiness file now inserted.
Six years of man made time, new emotions, daily pride emitting constantly, six years summed up in one everlasting immortal word, daddy.
Now She Is Eight, 2012
I age whilst my daughter blossoms, predator boys already prowling around even at such a young age. Parental obedience in controlling her ever growing lifestyle, keeping the wolves from the door. Change of home, countries in fact, back to good old blighty, a familiar language for both at last. A welcome change.
Her hair longer, mine shorter and sparse, her eyes sparkle, mine only when I see her, her laughter bounces from walls, mine dissapeared in the finacial minefield of employemnt or lack of. Gifts become less but love never diminishes, always happy to just cuddle and play games, walking through the parks provides endless fun.
Guilt of diminished funds preying on my mind, no vacation this year, little gifts at Christmas and Birthdays, a poor year in comparison for the material minded person within me on behalf of her. Roof over head and food on plate take priority along with essential education, manners and respect, which seems to be in short supply on this planet. Her amazing ability to lift me invaluable, even as I type a cuddle is gratefully received. A small tear nearly forms. A parents unconditional love is returned via my daughters loving heart, which grows bigger and stronger daily. A bond has formed over the years which hopefully will never break until death do us part.
Now she is Nine 2013
Time flies constantly. Becoming more and more independent and knowledgeable. Speech is still cute but with more grown up words. She is the apple of my eye and always will be, without her there is no me.
She now cries on command, an actors trait but allows her to get away with small things. Making new friends, even boys, but taunts me jokingly over them. One day she will fly and I will cry.
Living in Manchester, she has their tongue, soon to be in Cornwall, a different lingo to learn, new friends to find, new boys. She has grown up nicely, and I have grown with her. She now tells me when to shave and insists I buy more clothes.
Trying more and more foods, her tastes are expanding. Learning to cook as she prepares to have her own life. This is scary. I love her with all my heart, getting her upset hurts me more. Still tormenting her older brothers, it's like a hobby for her.
Talking to strangers on facebook, are they little girls like her or not ?? Warning her of dangers in the world, trying to shield her as much as possible without compromising her fun to much.
Now she is 10 - 2014
Growing more beautiful, funny, and doting day by day. Each week brings new longer words to her vocabulary, new fashion sense, and new understandings in her short life.
Now into double figures of age, her rapid mental growth is amazing. She understands more that what we give her credit for, the modern youth of today is scary.
July 21st is our move date to Devon, family cannot wait, except Matthew. Maiyas' leaving friends lies heavy on her head, Uki will miss her.
Now she is 11 - 2015
Today, 1st July 2015, My little Princess has a training day at her new secondary / high school. All grown up and skipping quite happily towards her destination. Her beauty is amazing. Her eyes outshine the stars, her smile graces the Earth, and her laughter makes hearts flutter.
Wanting a 'tomboy' life, tree climbing, fence jumping are becoming the norm. Friend Kieran wants to date her, as do others, Maiya is yet again breaking out of her shell as life progresses.
Never have I ever encountered such a strong bond of love and respect for another human. I am here to watch over her, that is my purpose on this planet. She is my reason for being.
High school, Plymouth School of Creative Art, and growing up pretty. New boyfriend, Tamar, or something. New hobbies such as playing Vanguard cards, youtube recording, and xbox 360. Matthew, her older brother coming out, she loves him still, as do we all, maybe not his mum as much.
She spends ages putting on make up, hair styling, and being a typical 11 year old. Laughing and being happy. Loving school and Dominoes pizza. Terrorising her brothers.
Now she is 14 - 2017
I missed 2 years of writing after my accident as I am sure depression may of set in, but not to my daughter. She oozes charm with a captivating and charismatic smile. No matter what kind of day I have had, she can always help me through anything with a few words and a hug.
We have discovered that Maiya will hug or link arms with me spontaneously, but not with her birth mother, our bond is that strong, and mum knows it and jealously is apparent.
In Dartmouth Academy and loving getting a proper education at last. Lots of friends, a horror night stay-over with 11 friends at home, a good night for them. Neighbour brought her flower's in appreciation for being so quiet
Mums new boyfriend helps ruin Christmas and New Year, told Maiya that she will have a new step dad. Ripped my heart and soul out going against parent discussion over 14 years. Mum denied and lied.
Maiya is growing up so fast. Happier with her brothers, beginning to see what she would like to be in the future. Long talks of throwing different occupatients at her, not much has stuck, A fashion designer is the latest idea, We will see. She still wants to see me cry. I have done for her, but not yet in front of her.
Having a second Christmas on January 15th with Matthew and Salem coming down. Christmas 2. Hope this one does not get ruined. Last Christmas she cried opening her gifts, a short cry of happiness, it made me cry inside to see this pleasant side of her.
26/06/15 Mum quit smoking, again.
28/06/15 Lauren came to live with us at 12 Warmwell Road, Plymouth.
21/12/15 Mathew came out.
13/05/16 Mum was given job as a care worker. Maiya gave 2 weeks until she quit the job, Alex gave her 8 days, Callum said 4 weeks because he wanted to give her a chance, Dad said straight after training had finished, like last time.
2018 Dad had first knee operation. Mum got American boyfriend
2019 January, Dad left the family home in East Allington.