So Much Chaos but so Much Love

For three years, I was a mother to one. My husband and I welcomed our perfect little girl into this world in April of 2016. We now had it all. We are so in love with this little life we created and we couldn't imagine it any other way.

She's super smart, beautiful, sassy, outgoing, social, funny, loving, caring, crazy, active, amazing, the list can go on and on but to sum it up in one word....Perfect.

She was such an easy baby. Once everything got on track, she ate well and by two months, slept in her crib through the whole night. She was such a mellow and happy baby. We couldn't ask for a better child.

When my husband and I got married, we talked about children. We decided together that we wanted two children. We did not want to have our children too far apart but not too close together either. You see, my husband and his sister are a little over a year apart, if that. My sister and I are about two and a half years apart and I have two younger siblings besides her. The age gap between myself and my brother, who is the youngest, is 11 years. We wanted to find that happy medium time frame.

Ultimately, we tried again. We started trying when our daughter was about two and a half or so. It took us about a year and finally.....

In July of 2019, I gave birth to our son. Just when we thought our hearts couldn't be any happier, he came along and filled that spot in our hearts where we know he belongs. Although he is only a month and a half old, he's made a huge impact on all three of our lives already and we cannot wait to watch him grow.

He's handsome, makes us laugh, makes us beyond happy, makes the cutest faces, has started giving us a taste of his growing personality, is super alert, a snuggle bug and just perfect! Besides the bond he has with my husband and I, we can tell he will have a super strong bond with his big sister.

Every time his sister talks, his head automatically turns to her. He will sit there and just stare at her. She sings to him, rubs his head when he cries, comforts him, gives him his pacifier to help soothe him, and is mommy and daddy's biggest helper!

Every single day, we get to see the bond between our kids grow. No matter how horrible of a day, night, or week we had, watching this bond grow daily is the most amazing thing to see. But for a mother who suffers from anxiety (and depression), sometimes watching my kids bond cannot fix the feelings going on inside of me.

When I said the above words about seeing the bond between my children cannot fix the feelings inside of me, I did not mean them in a "cold" way. Not just mothers, but anyone with anxiety understands where I am coming from when I say something so happy and heartwarming is sometimes "not enough" to make you fully happy.

I look at my children daily and my husband and the life we've built and I couldn't ask for anything more. We have it all. Two beautiful and healthy children, a great marriage where we are not just husband and wife but we are best friends, and a unique journey that we all get to experience together. For example, we get to move every couple of years to different places, we get to meet so many new friends and some who turn into family, and we get to be part of a community where we always have support besides the support of our families.

While this all sounds perfect, I still struggle. This struggle is an internal one. Being that I can talk to my husband about anything and I keep him in the loop when I am feeling some type of way and he tries to understand, there is one thing he will never understand.

He will never understand what it is like to be a mother, especially one who struggles with anxiety and a daily internal fight with herself.

When it comes to motherhood, I try to do my best. I do all I can to give my children the best life possible. I do what I can to make sure they never go hungry, go thirsty, feel unloved, don't have or get what they want/need, and so much more.

When it comes to being a wife, I try to do my best. I do all I can to give my husband the best life possible. I do what I can to make sure he gets his time to himself, gets time with his friends, to make sure he gets to relax after standing duty for two or three days at a time, to make sure he gets to enjoy his hobbies and interests that make him happy. I make sure he also never goes hungry, goes thirsty, goes feeling unhappy, or goes feeling unloved.

But what does that leave me?

I feel like I have nothing for myself. I do what I can for my children and husband and everyone around me. I sometimes feel I get nothing or have nothing for myself. In ways and in my opinion, I feel this is true. But the more I think about it, the more I realize.

I came to realize that I do have some things for myself. I have my beautiful children and husband who make up my support system when I need them most. I have a job that I enjoy more than any part time job I have ever had. I enjoy taking care of others and making others happy because that makes me happy. I've come to realize that rather than thinking I have nothing for myself, I do have things.

While yes, the things I have mostly include others, I do have the fact that my husband is always willing to stay home with the kids so I can have me time. I have my Associates Degree and in the near future, I will begin attaining my Bachelor's Degree. Once some things are fixed, I will have my workouts back as these were always important to me.

I've come to realize that myself alone, with the motivation and possibility, can add things into my life here and there that are for me. I've come to realize that instead of saying I have nothing for me, I have everything. I have so much love and support and I have the option of having different things for myself. I just have to get moving and be willing to go out and do things for me and me alone sometimes.