Parenting: Preparing for Adolescence

I remember so vividly holding his hand as we crossed the street downtown. His chubby fingers laced into mine, and he was so sweet. Our biggest debate was nap time and bed time.

Before I knew it, years had gone by, and we stood in the hallway of our home, staring at one another. He had been caught breaking curfew and the penalty was no phone, no vehicle until the next report card- period. His eyes grew cold and dark as he stared through me. "I hate you!" He screamed, shoving past me, slamming his door.

Careful planning had led me to this moment. I calmly walked into his room where he sat on the end of the bed. "I'll need to get your keys and your phone right now. No riding in other cars, either." He gave me the keys and the phone, but the silence was ominous. I stayed in the room for a moment, gathering a calm about me and making sure that my tone remained civil. "Thank You. I know this is not awesome right now, but in less than 2 months, you will have your things back." He nodded and turned away. "I'm sorry I broke curfew" he said before sinking back down on his bed.

Knowing that there will be battles is the biggest obstacle to get over. Get over it right now, because obstacles are part of a child turning into an adult.

Your sweet toddler that screamed to avoid nap time will now scream to avoid doing chores, or scream to have more liberty. They are likely learning screaming from you. Stop screaming now. Learn to speak calmly and behave calmly now, before your child is a raging mass of hormones and confusion.

Read up on adolescence. Read many different sources. Speak to your pediatrician to learn what is normal and what is not normal. If your child has mental or emotional concerns, take them into account.

Knowing how our bodies work is a key to getting through adolescence. Don't use it as a wagging excuse for bad behavior, or to diminish your child's feelings and experiences.

My mother used to say "Oh, you're premenstrual" when I was a teenager. It made me feel ashamed of my body for misbehaving, and frustrated with my mother for her failure to listen to me. Explain to your child before it happens what is going to happen to their body. Explain what is normal, and what is not normal. Know who your kids' friends are and have them over to the house. Learning what is going on with all of the kids will be a good barometer of normal for you later.

One of the kindest acts ever was a parent I am friends with taking out each of their children on a dinner outing alone with only them, their spouse and their child. The purpose of the dinner was to talk about the child becoming a young adult, and leaving their childhood behind. During the course of the dinner, the parents told stories about being a pre-teen, a teenager and the fun and problems that ensued.

Also during that same dinner, feelings were addressed by both parents about what they wanted for their child, and what they feared could happen. It was a pleasant dinner, not done in threatening tones, but done so that the words were said, some boundaries were set, and there was an acknowledgement that this child was no longer a small child. For each of their children, my friend has done this, and all of the children recall their dinner that evening with amazing clarity and love.

As quick as the world can be to pounce on children when they make a mistake, it is up to us as parents to catch them in the act of doing right and praise that behavior. I gave my son a small $5.00 gift card to a fast food restaurant once because I overheard him helping a friends' mother with her dog mess problem over the phone. (He was offering to clean her back yard of dog waste while she was recovering from a broken arm.)

The card had been unused in my wallet and he loved it. When you catch a child in the middle of doing something great, they feel great because you are paying attention to them.

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