Some days I cannot be optimistic

So often I read blogs from parents of autistic kids that are filled with optimism and acceptance of their children for who they are. I think they are wonderful and uplifting. I have many days when I feel as though our son gives us strength, and tolerance that so many other people lack. I love his quirks and his gifts, I love him for who he is.

But there are some days I cannot be optimistic. Too many struggles, too many roadblocks. I am tired. I know I have to pick up and keep going. These are the days I wish we never had this disorder enter our lives. The days when I wish I was handing my son over the keys to the car and sitting up worrying about when he was coming home rather than if he will ever have a real life.

How many times can you get a door slammed in your face before you start to wonder what are the options? Truth, the options are non existent. You have none. You have to move forward or live in denial. Denial just does not work for me. I am far too stubborn to give up. However, I have days when I feel paralyzed. I wonder when I will find MY day? To live out MY dreams, get up and do what I wish to do with my day. Most people can look ahead to the day their children are on their own, moved out and onward. As sad as that day is, it is also a great sign of how well a parent has done. The independence of your child, is a great star on the board of success for a parent. I have no assurance of when or if my first child will achieve that moment. The moment when he can say that he is on his own.

As the options become more and more limited by budget cuts and poor programming, it is indeed hard to remain optimistic. But this too shall pass and I will find my energy to forge ahead just as all of the parents of my son's friend are. We have no options, they are here and our job is to find the best life possible for them. Onward.