ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Tantrums - is Your Child Truly Distressed or Acting Up?

Updated on June 3, 2009

I have often been told that my child's tantrums and tears are a deliberate attempt to control me and that I must not give in to them or I will pay the price for the consequences that follow. But when my son cries in distress until he vomits, how can I ignore his pleas for me to tend to him? As a new parent, it can be confusing to know how to react to your child's tantrums and tears, especially when the advice around you are both confusing and contradictory.

Unwilling to experiment with my son's emotional wellbeing based on heresay, I've often been on the lookout for parenting advice that have been backed by science. Being a strong advocate for the school of evidence-based parenting, I was immensely relieved to discover The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland. Finally, here was parenting advice based on facts and studies conducted upon large groups of children, rather than the individual advice of a parent with a study of one. The information presented by Sunderland is both extremely enlightening and something I feel every parent should be aware of.

Among other developments in a growing child, Sunderland throws light upon the often misunderstood world of temper tantrums. Contrary to popular belief, a child's tantrums are not always about a need to control a parent. "Many tantrums are the result of genuine emotional pain, which should be taken seriously: the pain of impotence, deep frustration, loss, disappointment, and feeling misunderstood. Only some tantrums are primarily motivated by a wish to have control over a parent" (Sunderland 120).

There are 2 Types of Tantrums

According to Sunderland, children display two types of tantrums, each of which requires very different handling responses. Sunderland identifies the two types of tantrums as a "distress tantrum" and the "little nero tantrum".

In a distress tantrum, the alarm systems in a child's lower brain are activated sending the child into a hyperaroused state with waves of stress hormones coursing through his body. When distressed, the child is unable to talk or listen and he needs sensitive handling from a caring parent who can meet his intense feelings of loss, frustration, or acute disappointment with sympathy and understanding. "Repeatedly getting angry with a child's genuine distress can mean that the child never develops inhibitory mechanisms in his higher brain" (Sunderland 123).

A child experiencing a distress tantrum is calling for help from a parent to help her handle the strong emotions that she is unable to deal with.

Distinguishing Between Distress and Nero Tantrums

"When a child has a distress tantrum, you can see real anguish in his face" (Sunderland 123). Sunderland provides a couple of examples, such as "2-year-old Ben who is writhing on the shop floor because he had set his heart on shoes that did not fit" (123) and James who is disappointed by the fact that his "family has run out of his favourite breakfast cereal". Neither child is being naughty, they are both extremely disappointed. The distress tantrum is a means of discharging the bodily arousal caused by frustration. What they require is a compassionate response from an understanding parent (122).

"During a distress tantrum, your child can't think or speak rationally because his upper brain functions are hijacked by primitive emotional systems in his lower brain" (Sunderland 128).

"The little Nero tantrum is very different from a distress tantrum in that it is about the desire to control and manipulate. A child having a little Nero tantrum doesn't experience or show the anguish, desperation, and panic that characterises the distress tantrum, and he doesn't have stress chemicals flooding his brain and body."

With a little Nero tantrum, a child is using "his frontal lobes... to produce behaviour that is calculated and deliberate" (Sunderland 128).

With a little Nero tantrum, "there is usually an absence of tears and the child is able to articulate her demands, and to argue when you say "no". A child uses this type of tantrum because she has learned that it will get her what she wants. The more you reward this type of tantrum and with attention... the more she will continue to adopt this behaviour" which can lead to a her becoming a bully later on in life (Sunderland 129).

How to Handle a Distress Tantrum

A parent's role is to provide a sense of safety, comfort and reassurance. Sunderland offers the following techniques to help calm a child:

  • use simple calm actions or provide a simple choice - "for example if your child is upset about getting dressed, ask him whether he wants to wear his blue or brown trousers"
  • use distraction - it activates the seeking system in the lower brain which can naturally "override the brain's rage or distress systems. It also triggers a high level of dopamine" which is a chemical messenger in the brain that helps "reduce stress and triggers interest and motivation"
  • hold your child tenderly - it is important that you feel calm and in control because your child needs to be near a calm person to help bring her "overaroused body and brain systems back into balance" (Sunderland 125)
  • some children may feel safe and contained just by having a calm adult sit by them and talking gently
  • avoid using "time out" - just as "you wouldn't walk away from your best friend... if she is writhing and sobbing on the floor, so this is certainly not appropriate for children, who have far fewer emotional resources than adults"
  • avoid putting a child in a room on her own - in such a case, a child who is put into a room alone may stop crying but research has shown that there is more cause for concern from this reaction because the child continues to cry internatlly. "Vocal crying is a request for help, silent, internal crying is a sign that the child has lost faith that help will come. In some people, this tragic loss of faith can stay for life"
  • remember that a child's distress is geniune - "a two year old who is screaming because his sibling has snatched a toy car is not just making a fuss. Research shows that a sense of loss activates the pain centers in the brain, causing an agonising opioid withdrawal. Because small children have been in the world for only a few years, they don't have a clear perspective on life. As adults we have a backdrop of events and experiences that tell us that the loss of a toy car is a minor disappointment. But for a small child this loss can mean everything" (Sunderland 126).

How to Handle Little Nero Tantrums

For handling the little Nero tantrum, Sunderland offers the following techniques:

  • don't give your child an audience - if you are sure it is not a distress tantrum, walk out the room and ignore your child's little Nero tantrum. Your child will stop this behaviour because it is no fun when no-one is watching.
  • don't try to reason, argue with, or persuade - attention and words reward this behaviour.
  • don't "kiss it better" - because this sends the following message to your child: "if you go into rage, I will give you lots of love."
  • don't negotiate - negotiation only rewards angry, controlling behaviour. A child who has discovered that rage controls his parents will continue to use this tactic later in life. Trying to use a "time out" on your child at 16 who is still hitting you and kicking doors is obviously not going to work.
  • give clear, firm "nos"
  • deal firmly with your child's commands - "for example, if your child is shouting and screaming for a biscuit, try saying: 'I'm really happy to talk with you about what you would like when your voice is as quiet as mine.' Then get on with what you are doing until your child is calmer and says 'please'.
  • give information about social charm - this usually works with an older child because it needs the higher brain to be more developed. An example would be to say, "If you order people to do something, they won't want to help you. So if you want something, can you think of a way of asking that will unlock my kind feelings? If you need help with that, let me know."
  • use humour and play when appropriate - for instance you can use mirroring, like saying, "Can of peas - get me that biscuit now! Or, I know, let's boss the toothbrush around... come here toothbrush!" This serves to upstage your little Nero and show that you don't take bullying seriously.
  • time out should be used as a last resort - for instance, when your child is hurting someone else by using physical violence (Sunderland 130-131)

It is important to be able to distinguish between the two types of tantrums because each type of tantrum requires completely opposite methods of management. "With little Nero tantrums you need to move away from the child, and with distress tantrums you need to move towards the child with comfort and solace" (Sunderland 121).


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • talfonso profile image


      8 years ago from Tampa Bay, FL

      Wow - I love how you describe and give advice on tantrums! I neither have plumb heard of distress nor "little Nero" tantrums!

    • figur8 profile imageAUTHOR


      10 years ago

      Thanks! Indeed, it is easy to feel like you're the only Mum who's got the difficult child(ren) until you get in touch with other Mums who share their experiences, too.

      I also think we're really lucky to be in an age with great access to resources that our parents never had.

      Thanks for your link!

    • mrs know it all profile image

      mrs know it all 

      10 years ago from The Windy City Suburbs

      Hi figure8, this is a great hub. It's important for moms to know they aren't alone, either. If you have a moment, take a look at another approach: trying to head-off the tantrum before it occurs. I'd like to know what you think:

      I'm looking forward to seeing more from you!


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)