The end of addiction

I haven’t written a thing in over a year, at least nothing worthy of a Hub Page submission. I really just haven’t felt any “creative juices” or the yearning to write anything since moving to Florida a year ago. For the few who have followed my journey here, you are aware of my relocation a year ago this past November. You may also remember the majority of my work has dealt with my daughters drug addiction. I’ve written several poems specifically expressing my feeling of loss,anger, and crushed dreams that an addiction carries with it. Some were directed toward my daughter and others were just my way of venting my frustrations.

The last few years my writing on Hub Pages has allowed me a place to free my emotions and frustrations as I ranted and raged for my losses. I’ve met some pretty amazing people here who’s support and understanding were exactly what I needed. They never fell short in lifting my spirits and letting me know I wasn’t alone. I’d like to take an opportunity now and share with them all that has occurred over the past year.

First, the move here from R.I. was an extremely difficult yet necessary decision. Difficult because it meant leaving behind my twenty year old daughter and four year old grandson. While I wasn’t actually abandoning them to their own devices, since she’s lived with her dad the year prior and still does, never the less I felt like I was deserting them. At times I felt as though I was running away, running to a place where I wouldn’t have to watch my daughter dance with her demons. On the other hand I convinced myself the distance would be a sure fire way of disconnecting myself from her and thus to stop enabling her to continue on her path of self destruction. For months I struggled with whether or not I had made the right decision. Still to this day I question myself.

The necessity of my decision to move to Florida was largely due to my father and financial reasons. My mother passed away in January of 2011, for the past two years my father had been alone down here and while he still has a mortgage to pay he returned to working full time in order to keep his home, My fiance and I were also struggling with financial stability so it made perfect sense to join forces with my father. My long term plan included my daughter and grandson eventually moving here, maybe, one day. Until then I will travel home as often as I can, so far I’ve been home twice in the last year. I returned last June for a week and brought my grandson back with me for twenty two days, eleven with me and eleven with his other grandmother who also lives here in Florida. Then I returned again this past Christmas for nine wonderful days.

So, my first year, I prayed, I prayed novina’s, the rosary, and always to my mother. My intentions where focused on one thing, “ bring her to you, bring her to me.” I felt by bringing her closer to God she’d see her true worth, she’d become whole and one with her self, the demons would be silenced, then, she’d come back to me. Both figuratively and geographically. For months my daughter would tease me with promises of forward progress only to be replaced by slipping backwards into darkness. My first trip home was bitter sweet. I cried more there than I did in Florida. In Florida I mourned the lost moments with her and my grandson, in R.I. I mourned that my daughter was still lost in her battle with addiction and recovery.

My prayers where answered, she stopped using her drug of choice. Yet because of the distance and only sporadic phone calls and facetime chats I had convinced myself she was further along in her recovery, looking back now I realize my expectations where contorted out of impatience! I so wanted the daughter that was sucked deep into an addiction to surface as if nothing ever happened with her skin glowing and a smile and zest for life like before. Yes, it was a fantasy, my fantasy, unfortunately, addiction doesn’t work that way. It’s ugly, it’s mean, it lingers and tests and corrupts. Watching someone you love more than anything navigate through it is just indescribable, yet worth it!

I won’t go into all the dark details, they’re too difficult to explain and looking in the rear view mirror won’t help any of us to move forward. Instead I’d like to share a poem with you. I did not write it, it is my daughters poem. I awoke to it in a text message this past Friday. I balled when I read it. I was so proud of her for baring herself in this way. While I’ve felt this past year was horrible for me, I’m only realizing now just how horrible it must have been for her. Watching by no means has been easy, but it is nothing compared to what my daughters been through. It’s been a long road for both of us, but I know in my heart she’s being brought back to me!

So, here it is Amanda,,,,I love you with all my heart and couldn’t be any prouder of all you have overcome!

I feel so much emotion

and anxiety,

It makes me want to run away

from sobriety.

I should go to the doctor

and be put on a med.,

only if I’d use my head.

I smoke weed so I can

cope.

people I love hoping I don’t turn to

dope.

I told my mom and dad

NO,

Not thinking weed really was the

ammo.

I started smoking fake weed

because of a friend,

Not knowing how close i could have been

to the end.

People I knew would take one

hit and die,

Meanwhile, I’d sit back and

get high.

I WAS AN ADDICT it was really

vile,

outpatient rehab, classes for quite

a while.

Failing once and failing

again,

back to my habits

loosing a friend.

I was stealing from my mom an emotional

mess,

She even charged me and I got my first

and only arrest.

Time went by in a

blur,

Finally off drug testing

that’s for sure.

It took a long time for me to

get clean,

It’s even more sad because

I was only a teen.

I still couldn’t tell you how I

did it,

Just be strong and get your head

with it.

You can do anything you put your

mind to,

you gotta do it girl/boy,

Do it for you!