Things They Don't Tell You About Becoming A Mom- The Hard Truth
The hard truth about pregnancy, labor, and newborns
A mother has a glorious night of sex with her beloved. Two weeks later her boobs hurt so badly, she can't even shower properly. Another six weeks go by, and the majority of her breakfast contents end up in the toilet. She is pregnant.
Vomiting your way through the dream
Carrying a child is a dream of many young girls. Aren't dreams supposed to be made of fanciful pleasures, joy, and excitement? How have we as women turned one of the most painful and uncomfortable events into a misty longing?
For nine months a woman will grow in ways she never thought possible. She will get hemorrhoids, varicose veins, swollen ankles and feet. She'll have to sleep sitting up, watch her weight, and receive endless caresses on her belly from perfect strangers. She will become so uncomfortable that this woman- normally a rational human being, will begin wishing for labor...one of the most painful experiences on planet Earth.
In ten months time (yes pregnancy is 40 weeks, not nine months- yet another random lie), she will go into labor. She'll endure hours and hours and hours of excruciating pain, while calm nurses and doctors tell her she is doing great. As if she had a choice for one minute. What would it look like for a woman to perform labor terribly? See, those words are ridiculous.
That baby will eventually slide into the world (slide is NOT the appropriate term). It's more like barrel into the world wrecking absolute havoc to her nether regions in the process.
For a moment in time, there will be pure bliss as she lays eyes on that little bundle. Then, this woman who has just endured months of discomfort- she will get to recover peacefully in a hospital with a sleepy nice smelling newborn. That's the dream anyway.
You see, that is another lie everyone perpetuates simply with silence. "Having babies are great! It's so beautiful! There is nothing more rewarding..."
You do realize that after labor and delivery, you will receive no rest. Here are a few other little golden pieces of advice the books leave out:
You will think you hate your baby at least once
Whether it is because he will not stop crying or he bruised your boobs, you will have a moment where you think, "Who the hell is this irrational human being and how did I get involved in his life?" Do not panic. It's normal.
Breastfeeding HURTS at the beginning
All the books will tell you it shouldn't hurt. Bologna- it will. Unless you are in the small minority of women who just figure it out smoothly, expect to gnaw on your tongue a few times when Junior latches on.
Speaking of breastfeeding, you will leak- even during sex
Awkward! I still have not figured out a way to adequately deal with this problem, except to wear a bra with pads 24 hours a day. Console yourself with the fact that eventually it will stop.
Babies are ugly
Well maybe you don't think yours is right now, but with cradle cap, acne, flat head syndrome, poop, urine, and spit up, there will come a day when you wonder why yours does not look like Anne Gedde's pictures. There is only one answer- photoshop.
It is an epidemic. Babies all over the world torment their parents with piercing screams, bodily fluids, and no sleep. Expect to be abused by your baby worse than any other human. You know what they say- it is a good thing babies are cute- hmm, really?
The hard truth
Right after you have endured labor and delivery, the baby is not the only one giving you a hard time. What about your body? Yes your boobs will be sucked on mercilessly every couple hours, causing more contractions as you bleed like a stuck pig. Trips to the bathroom will be a sixteen step process, you will be given underwear that looks like a fishing net, plus a weird squirt bottle that is meant to help with the - ehem - mess. Throughout this, the baby will need round the clock care, and you will not sleep for months.
Here's the crazy part: After enduring pregnancy, labor, delivery, and newborn care...most of us will have something magical happen to our brains that causes us to forget it all just enough....
that we do it again. And if you're me, again.
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