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Tough Love Tactics for Toxic Teens
What I am about to write may bring a barrage of comments from those who do not believe in the concept of ‘Tough Love’. And from those who feel that children should be helped out of their messes and disasters time and time again; even when that child has become an adult.
So what exactly is Tough Love?
There is no definitive description of ‘Tough Love’. The American Heritage® Dictionary describes it as “The use of strict disciplinary measures and limitations on freedoms or privileges, as by a parent or guardian, as a means of fostering responsibility and expressing care or concern” whilst the Collins English Dictionary© defines it as “the practice of taking a stern attitude towards a relative or friend suffering from an addiction, etc., to help the addict overcome the problem” Two very different definitions there, and there are others. My own personal view is that it is a combination of the two definitions with a few added extras depending on the parent’s conscience.
Is Tough Love ever advisable?
I believe it is in some cases. The type of situation I would advocate tough love in is when absolutely everything else humanly possible has been tried and failed and the child or young person is firmly committed to spiralling rapidly downward. I consider it to be something to be used as a last resort.
What leads a parent to believe that nothing else but Tough Love will work?
Here are some examples based on real experiences:
- When your child has begun breaking the law and visits from the police have not frightened them enough to stop them doing it.
- When the young person has become violent and/or abusive towards you and shows no respect.
- If you have repeatedly asked for help to organisations and not been given any due to limited resources.
- If your child has entered the Youth Justice system and will not engage with the programs put in place to help them.
- When you have no-one at all to support and help you.
- If your teen has gained control over you.
- If you are afraid of your child and fear for your safety.
- If your young person is stealing from you and refuses to stop.
- When the child repeatedly damages your property.
- When their personality has changed through drug usage and you find you are funding their habit.
Because personal boundaries are just that; personal, you may find that there are other instances when tough love becomes the appropriate course of action.
Would you Consider Tough Love?
A Real Life Case Study
When Jason (not his real name) was 3 years old his happy family life was shattered by the departure of his beloved father. Initially his dad came to see him regularly until a new love interest came into his life. The visits to Jason became sporadic and eventually stopped. Little Jason was heartbroken and began wetting the bed. A year later just as Jason had settled at school his father put in an appearance and began to see him regularly again for about a year and then suddenly stopped. Jason started to have continence problems at school. He got bullied by the bigger boys because he was small and had some slight learning difficulties. Jason’s dad continued to abandon him repeatedly over the years.
Eventually his difficulties lessened but the bullying continued although Jason never acknowledged that he was being bullied and viewed it as some weird kind of camaraderie.
At age 11 a new, older boy came to live nearby and took Jason under his wing. Jason’s mum didn’t like this boy and wondered why he was so interested in her little son. Jason started being difficult at home and at school and mum assumed that it was adolescence. She tried many different reward systems and talked to him about actions and consequences. Although working full-time to make ends meet she tried to give Jason lots of love and attention.
She suspected he might be smoking and indeed one day discovered cigarettes in his room. She destroyed them and grounded him for a week despite his protests that he was ‘keeping’ them for someone. None of her measures worked. She could have grounded him for life and he would have still misbehaved.
Jason 's story continues
Jason began truanting and refusing to do his homework. His mum tried to work with the school and fought to get him seen by the educational psychology service who concluded that Jason was behaving badly because he chose to do so and needed more pocket money.
He started staying out late and sometimes not returning home. He told mum that he had stayed at a friend’s house. He never answered his phone when his mum rang to find out where he was when he didn’t return at the stated time. He became sullen and disrespectful and refused to do anything that was asked of him. More groundings ensued, pocket money was stopped, privileges curtailed. Mum kept stressing how much she loved him and wanted things to be good at home for him. Jason didn’t care. His family didn’t matter anymore; only his friends.
Sometimes Jason seemed sleepy and unable to get up for school. Many a morning mum couldn’t get him out of bed at all. She thought he was ill and took him to the doctor; he ran away in the car park. He was oppositional and defiant. His mum thought there was something wrong psychologically with him and that it was related to his father who had just reappeared in his life. She tried to involve social services who came and visited once and were never heard from again despite repeated calls and emails to them.
Jason’s mum found a small bag with some green, vile smelling substance in his school bag and realised it was marijuana. She didn’t know what to do with it but certainly didn’t want her son smoking it so phoned the police who agreed to come out and as they put it, ‘put the frighteners on him’. Mum was highly embarrassed by Jason’s cocky and disrespectful behaviour towards the police. The ‘talk’ made no difference whatsoever to his behaviour.
Jason’s behaviour in fact deteriorated until when he was around 15 years of age he was regularly verbally abusing his mother and sometimes being violent towards her. If he didn’t get his own way he would smash up her things and steal money and possessions from her. He didn’t even bother to hide the fact that he was smoking the stronger strain of cannabis known as skunk and told her he had been doing it since he was 11 years old. Mum put two and two together and realised that Jason had in fact been the runner for his older ‘friend’.
Jason was breaking the law regularly but never getting caught. His mum wanted him to stop smoking weed and taking other drugs because he had no motivation and could barely get out of bed. He was at a crucial stage at school but wasn’t doing any of the work. He was letting himself and his friends into the house whilst mum was at work so she took his key away from him. He took to breaking and entering. Jason’s dad had now moved house and not told him where he had moved to. All contact had stopped.
One evening when he couldn’t get his own way he went on a rampage and started smashing up all the garden furniture and pots; kicked and dented the car and spat on the windows. Mum reluctantly called the police because of the requirement to do so by the insurance companies. She thought that maybe her son would learn his lesson if he was given a punishment other than loss of privileges or grounding. Jason got a supervision order with the youth offending service which he never complied with. No lesson learned there then.
Jason’s mum tried to persuade him to get help for his anger problems and drug usage but he wouldn’t engage. The criminal damage became a regular feature of life with Jason and then one day he beat his mother up because she tried to get him out of bed. She reported him to the police because she was now becoming very afraid of him. Her family didn’t want to get involved; he was now too old for social services to be involved and in any case HE wasn’t in danger.
Whilst the case was waiting to go to court Jason hit himself repeatedly in the face when his mum was trying to get him up for school and then rang 999 and reported his mother for assault. She had to go to the police station and give DNA, be fingerprinted and was even put in a cell. It was only when she pointed out that she was right handed and would not have been able to hit him at the side of the face his injuries were on that they let her go without charge.
Jason got yet another order with the youth offending service which again he didn’t comply with. By now mum was so afraid of him that with the help of the police she changed the locks and took out a non-molestation order. He was homeless for a while but got a place in hostel after a few weeks.
Jason’s mum could never quite let go, even though people advised her to and she kept on letting him come back home to live when he got evicted for not paying his rent. Then he got sent to a Youth Detention centre for a few weeks for being found in possession of a knife when picked up by the police.
Again she took him back into her home but nothing had changed and the old patterns were resurfacing. Letters were arriving about loans and telephone contracts that she hadn’t taken out - he was using her name to obtain goods by deception. She asked him to leave and he refused. An argument ensued in which he assaulted her so she called the police who said they would be there in ten minutes. Half an hour later they arrived and Jason had gone taking with him all of mums jewellery, cameras, credit cards and mobile phones.
This time he was sent to prison for another 8 weeks and came out and lived with his girlfriend and her baby for a while but that didn’t work out because of his drug usage and again he was homeless. His mum had thought he was sorting his life out so she had donated lots of furniture and household goods to the couple. They were all put in a skip and taken away by the council because he couldn’t get motivated enough to do anything about it.
Mum still kept giving him money and food so that he wouldn’t starve but he just spent the money on cigarettes, weed and alcohol. People say that cannabis isn’t addictive. Maybe not physically but Jason is psychologically addicted to it. His mum says he cannot function without it and gets angry and violent if he hasn’t got any.
Jason got a privately rented room but failed to pay his rent so was evicted yet again. And yes you guessed it; he ended up back at mums briefly until she had to ask him to leave again because the landlord wouldn’t allow him to stay. He then moved back into a hostel but gave up his tenancy (with lots of rent owing) and moved to another city because he had to get away from the drug dealers. He had no accommodation there and was put up by a friend who got fed up of him after a few weeks because he was lazy and swore too much. Homeless again...
How to practice Tough Love
What exactly do you have to do to show someone tough love? Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Do not keep bailing out your toxic teen; allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions
- Make house rules and stick to them
- Do not accept abusive of disrespectful behaviour. Make sure they are held to task if they behave this way by loss of some privilege or allowance
- Allow them to sort out their own problems and do not be so ready to intervene and help them especially if the problems are self made
- If your child is doing something illegal do not condone it. Instead tell them that if they don’t immediately stop you will report them to the authorities
- If there is a substance misuse issue do not try to force them into getting help. Gather all the relevant information about professional help and say that you would like them to take advantage of it
- If all else fails, consider asking them to leave and distance yourself from them as much as possible.
- Cut off financial support
- Get help from an organisation such as this one in Australia http://www.toughlove.org.au/
The Future for Jason and his Mum
The story continues...
History has repeated itself so many times for Jason and his mum but now she has finally had enough and resolved to not help him anymore. She suddenly realised that she wasn’t really helping him at all and was just enabling him to continue his chaotic lifestyle. He has telephoned her several times from the new hostel for the homeless where he is living begging for money and she has given him the address of places where he can get a meal. She has been refusing to help him out for a few months now and keeping contact with him to a minimum. She has told him in no uncertain terms that she will do nothing more for him until he starts to help himself.
If the conversation becomes disrespectful or abusive she simply puts the phone down. She does not give him any money (although she has a bag of foodstuffs which she has kept for him just in case).
She isn’t about to hold her breath on the changes being permanent but there are some. Jason has begun to talk about getting some qualifications and a job possibly supporting people who are going through what he has been through. He says he’s stopped smoking cannabis. She says his voice sounds different somehow and there is hope but Jason’s mum hasn’t seen the proof yet that he is actually turning his life round so for the time being she will continue with the tough love.
There are many, many other incidents in the story of Jason and his mum. It would fill a whole book and some of them are far too personal for them to allow me to reveal here.
© 2013 Susan Bailey