An Apology to My Children; From a Misbehaving Mom...

The trauma of childhood can have permanent adverse effects on adults throughout their lifetime.

This is written for two young men that have lived on their own, for way too long. Tragic they were forced to do so, much too early in life, by circumstances beyond their control. This is written by their mother, a single parent that mindlessly caused their forced young adulthood, because she also grew up much too fast...

...and then she decided much too late in life, to revert to childhood, when she had no right to do so. The consequences of the boys' mother's irresponsible actions devastated the family, and prompted their destitution.

. These two young men were now homeless, with a useless mother who seemed lost in the clouds. Although the two adolescents were years from reaching the age of legal adulthood, they had no other choice, but to become self-sustaining and independent.

The older son, a graduating Senior High School student, still had over a year before his 18th birthday. The young man had no alternative, but to take on a mature adult role, in order to sustain himself. He assumed the responsibilities of starting a full time 8 hour a day job, to afford his newly rented apartment. He accomplished this while still attending school, and holding his position as quarterback on the Varsity Football team. His main objective was to avoid living on the streets, like his indigent mother.

The youngest son had just reached his 15th birthday. Since he was still very young, he had so many less options than his brother, in regards to supporting himself. Somehow this child got blessed with miracles, granted by guardian angels, it seemed, who ensured him safe and proper care. The family of the young man's high school sweetheart took him in as their own. They graciously offered him shelter; a bed, a home, and a functional situation in a family environment. They did this out of the kindness of their hearts, in order to keep him off the streets. The family's generosity saved the young child from a tragic fate, and shielded him from the brutal reality of his situation.

In spite of their courageous actions and valiant attempts at normalcy, both of the boys suffered much unnecessary hardship. They should never have endured such horrific life-altering experiences, but for their mother's careless behavior, and reckless choices...

To My Dear Sons:

I humbly ask for your forgiveness, as I offer the following apology, from the bottom of my heart...

Sincerely,

Mom

Dear Sons,

I write this very urgently to you for a very important reason...

I humbly ask that you listen to what I need to say...

I am now making my solemn promise to you.

And you know that I never make a promise that I can't keep.

...to my boys.

I promise that I will never, ever let you down...

...again...

I will not disappoint you.

I will never break you again, ever...

...in any way, shape, or form.

A million pieces have already taken you a lifetime to pick up.

You should never have to do it...

...again!

..Because those are my millions of pieces down there...

...not yours...

... that's how it always should have been.

It's not something that you should ever have had to do.

Much less a second time.

It is crucial that I always engage my mind...

...before putting my mouth into motion.

...that it has taken your entire lifetime...

...for me to fully comprehend how and why a child can become damaged...

...because of his parents negligent actions.

Some of us will take our entire life to heal from our own childhood traumas...

...that our parents so recklessly bestowed upon us.

I only pray...

...that its not too late to make amends with you.

To alleviate your ever having to suffer again...

...from my selfish idiocy.

The guilt I still carry will never go away.

It weighs so heavily on my shoulders...

...on my entire being, body and soul.

I want you two to know that I am so very sorry.

I know the pain of what you both endured...

...will never disappear entirely.

I hope that time will ease the pain of...

...your experiences and your burdens.

May you both eventually forgive me...

...for putting you through that horror at such young ages.

I cannot express the guilt and sympathy that I feel towards you both...

...my two wonderful angels of light.

I am taking full responsibility, saying sorry...

...and acknowledging that I caused you pain.

I pray that this bad life lesson will eventually...

...make our bond as a parent, children, and family stronger.

And now I make my solemn promise to you both...

...From me.

I love you...

...like you are me.

More than any love can ever be.

I hope you both can accept my apology.

FORGIVE AND FORGET.

Self-reliance as a means of salvation

James’s insistence on taking responsibility for his actions is a major part of his personality. This quality remains constant throughout the book but is put to different, more constructive uses as the story progresses. It is fair to say that James is stubborn, even selfish, as the story opens. He flat-out refuses to allow anyone to help or even befriend him in the beginning stages of his stay at the clinic, which results in a very lonely existence. James seems to see this as a part of the “tough guy” act that he’s apparently been living most of his life. He refuses to abide by the Alcoholics Anonymous mantra to “Let Go and Let God.” As time goes on, this behavior transforms into a relentless sense of personal responsibility. James does not believe in letting someone else shoulder the consequences of what he’s done, so he must make a conscious effort not to use drugs based on his own will. He’s given a chance to blame his condition on both a childhood ear infection and the fact that his family may be genetically predisposed to addiction, but he is reluctant to even use those excuses. In the end, James’s self-reliance settles into a form that allows him to accomplish his goal of being sober for the rest of his life.

And the song below by Cold Play is dedicated to the boyzzzzz.