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Motherhood Humour - What Do Real Mothers Really Do, & What Do They Really Know?

Updated on January 1, 2011


So what do Mum's really do, and what do they really know?

  • Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
  • Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
  • Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
  • Real Mothers will not doubt another real mother who tells them that a king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm. They will probably also write the information down for future reference.
  • Real Mothers will agree that if you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades or a skateboard, they can ignite.
  • Real Mothers know that a 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

  • Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
  • Real Mothers will sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'
  • Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets
  • Real Mothers know that when you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

  • Real Mothers will agree that the spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
  • ┬áReal Mothers will also agree however, that the spin cycle does make cats and dogs dizzy.
  • Real Mothers know many odd facts, for example that cats can throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  • Real Mothers know that, as strange as it may seem, a boy who gets his finger caught in a mouse trap will not "learn from his mistake", and stay away from mouse traps from that day on. He will, in fact, continue to stalk any unsuspecting mouse traps until he manages to get the cheese out without getting his finger caught. unless all mousetraps are removed from the house instead.
  • Real Mothers will also know that despite the problem of hurt fingers that is associated with mouse traps, they are in fact still safer than rat bait.
  • Real Mothers will unfortunately probably also know that the managers of companies that make rat bait products which claim to contain a "taste deterrent" to make them safe for children, have obviously never had children of their own.

  • Real Mothers know that you should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on.
  • Real Mothers also know that when trying to use a ceiling fan as a cricket bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit, but that when you do, the cricket ball goes a long way, fast.
  • Real mothers will also confirm that the glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop cricket balls hit by ceiling fans.
  • Real Mothers will always wonder why, once again, they did not listen when their inner voice screamed at them "You DO NOT want to know what that smell is!"

  • Real Mothers can tell you that certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
  • Real Mothers will tell you that Super glue is forever.
  • Real Mothers can tell you that no matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
  • Real Mothers also know that pool filters do not like jelly crystals.
  • Real Mothers can tell you from experience that VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do...
  • Real Mothers can vouch for the fact that marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

  • Real Mothers can tell you that garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Nor do sheets. Nor do Umbrellas, and most importantly, neither do zipped-up sleeping bags.
  • Real Mothers will nod knowingly when another mother tells them that if you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
  • Some real Mothers would respond to such a comment by helpfully explaining that fan motors ARE strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room when they have a tin of paint tied to them.

  • Real Mothers know what the average response time is for their local fire department to respond to emergency calls.
  • Real Mothers can tell you that six-year old Boy can in fact start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old Man had said that they can only do it in the movies.
  • Real Mothers know that Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
  • Real Mothers always look in the oven before they turn it on, because they know plastic toys do not like ovens, and that smoke alarms hurt your ears.
  • Real Mothers will tell you that brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

  • Real Mothers who read this will be concerned that the men or boys in their house may also get to read it, which should explain why many will, as soon as they have finished reading it, immediately go out to their garage to find the brake fluid, and to the laundry to fetch the bleach, before they put both items into their digital safe and then change the combination so that only they can open the safe...
  • This real Mother now has to run, because I had not, till now, thought of putting my brake fluid and bleach in the safe, and I am also growing concerned that the house has been so very quiet for the past 10 minutes. Oh dear, is that bleach I can smell? Brodyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Please note: all persons, places and objects shown in the images in this hub are models and are shown for illustrative purposes only. They bear no relation to any real person or event.Unless otherwise credited, all images displayed in my hubs are under the following copyright: {Copyright (c) 2010 "safe-at-last" and Licensors Nodtronics Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.}


Submit a Comment

  • Kaie Arwen profile image

    Kaie Arwen 

    8 years ago

    This was great............ thanks for the smile! :-D

  • safe-at-last profile imageAUTHOR

    Mel Stewart 

    8 years ago from Western Australia

    LOL. I always check the pockets - of my girls pants to pull out all the tissues so that I don't end up with fluffy washing, and of my boys pant in case there is chocolate, batteries or a little frog in one.

    We made a frogarium for our tadpoles once they started morphing into froglets, but one night he left the lid off and we ended up with little frogs everywhere. My mum came over to visit and screamed when she found one in her handbag.... And yes I found one in his pocket after he caught it to put back into the frogarium and then got side tracked...

  • It's just me profile image

    It's just me 

    8 years ago from Alaska

    Real Moms know not to stick thier hands into their little boys pants pockets when doing the laundry, because there are usually creatures living there, or living creatures dying there such as baby eels.

  • safe-at-last profile imageAUTHOR

    Mel Stewart 

    8 years ago from Western Australia

    Too true MA. I always chuckle quietly to myself when I remember how my mum used to tell me that one day my kids would give me some of my own back. Thankfully, whenever she is there to bear witness to my karma, she does not say "I told you so", but instead just raises one eyebrow and laughs too...

  • Mentalist acer profile image

    Mentalist acer 

    8 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

    A real moms intuition vs a childs logic...the war of love:)!!

  • jennshealthstore profile image

    Jennifer M 

    8 years ago from Florida

    That was great. I really enjoyed that. Though I have a girl, I know what you mean. Real mothers also know that if there is silence in your house, you better find your child and quick. More than likely you are not going to like what you find!


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