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When the Bond of Marriage is Broken

Updated on September 11, 2017
Kristin Shay profile image

My name is Kristin Shay and I am a mother of three teenagers and a wife of a Retired Disabled American Veteran.

Marriage is a bond that God created between a man and a woman, he designed marriage to be a lasting covenant and make two fleshes into oneGenesis 2:24). I was raised in a home where marriage has a long history, my parents have been married for 46 years, my grandparents were married for 55 plus until death separated them. On my father’s side, there were multiple people that were married many years until death parted them. My sister and her husband have been married for 24 years and my husband and I have been married 18 years. I value marriage a great deal. My marriage has not been perfect, quite the opposite. My marriage has been riddled with adultery and separation, but I refuse to give up.

What happens when the bonds of marriage are tainted with adultery? Depend on how strong your relationship with God is and how strong your love is for your spouse? There is no wrong or right way to deal with adultery; it’s just like a death in the family, everyone deals with it in their own way. This happened to me several years back, my husband was being unfaithful and I was devastated. I was lost to what to do, it was one of the most difficult times in life.

Looking back now, I see it more clearly than I did then. Deep down I knew something was wrong, but I put in the back of my mind and tried to not think about it. I was still in college and I did not have a job, I only substituted as a teacher. I had three children, and at the time they were still young. What was I going to do, so I acted as if there was nothing wrong. Until that dreadful day that God threw a brick at me and made me wake up. It was January 2, 2012, what a way to start the new year. I could no longer pretend that there was nothing wrong, the love of my life was sleeping with another. I was

heartbroken. In the weeks to come, I did nothing but cry I was not any good to anyone. The kids and I went to stay at my mom's for a while, and all I remember is doing is crying a lot. I could not sleep cause when I closed my eyes I saw my husband with her. I blamed myself, told myself I was a horrible wife that is why this happened. Rethinking everything in our relationship, did I complain too much, did I not clean the house like I should? I knew I was a bad cook but did all this cause him to not love me anymore? What did I do wrong? This was the cycle I was in, I believe this lasted a while then one day I woke up and realized, it was not me, it was him.

This experience led me closer to God, I had fallen away a little and this was his way of drawing me in closer again. Why does God have to be so dramatic, because if he isn’t we will not listen? I believe he gave me subtle hints in my husband's behavior, but I ignored them. Finally, he gave me something I could not ignore. As I began my journey, I began to realize that I could not fix my marriage until I fixed me. I prayed a lot, I prayed for my marriage, my kids and my salvation. As time passed I felt I was getting closer once again to my heavenly Father. Did my marriage become whole automatically, um no? I was still separated from my husband, and he was still with her, but remember I could not fix my marriage until I fixed me, I continued to pray. I never gave up.

I dedicated my time to my children and church and began rebuilding a life without my husband, in hopes that he would rejoin our family. Eventually, he did, but that is a whole different story. One day I will tell that one.

What does God say about adultery? Well Obviously adultery is a sin, however, history has been filled with infidelity. Looking back all the way to the Bible, there was David and Bathsheba. David spotted Bathsheba one morning and asked about her, he was told her name was Bathsheba and that she was married to Uriah, a soldier. David did not let this bother him or stand in his way. He sent for her to come to him. When Bathsheba became pregnant with David’s child he panics and tried to cover up the sin (2 Samuel 11), the problem is you cannot hide from God. That has been known since Adam and Eve, after eating the forbidden fruit they covered tier bodies and hid from their wrongdoing Genesis 3:8). Just like with Adam and Eve, God knew what David had done and he was not pleased. In the end, God forgave them all, but not without consequences. There are always consequences to every action taken.

In the bible, the book of Hosea is filled with adultery. Hosea’s wife, Gomer was a promiscuous woman, she had multiple affairs and each time Hosea was commanded by God to bring her back. Many believe this is a correlation to the love that God has for Israel, no matter how many times they walk away from God, he still loves them and will always welcome them back (Hosea 3:11).

I am not in any way saying I condone what my husband did, I am still hurt by it and there are still trust issues. Even though we are together again, the heart will still have scars and they do not heal. They are visible reminders of the hurt, as long as we trust God we will be alright.

Keep faith, pray for your marriage everyday, and remember do not let man separate what God has designed (Mark 10:9).

© 2017 Kristin Shay

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      9 months ago

      "Deep down I knew something was wrong, but I put in the back of my mind and tried to not think about it. I was still in college and I did not have a job, I only substituted as a teacher.

      I had three children, and at the time they were still young. What was I going to do..."

      It's been reported that 66% or 2/3rds of all divorce filings in the U.S. are initiated by (women). It has also been speculated that better career and income opportunities for women may be the reason why divorce rates are higher than in other eras.

      The more options one has the less crap they will put up with!

      Had you not had any children and been earning $50k-100k per year you probably would not have ignored the "red flags".

      There is no such thing as an universal "deal breaker". Some people will stay in marriages no matter what is going on be it verbal/physical abuse, infidelity, criminal behavior, drug/alcohol addiction. They'll say it's because of God.

      1. God does not play cupid. 2. Human beings make mistakes!

      I suspect if he did the divorce rate wouldn't be near 50%.

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Each of us has our mate selection process/must haves list.

      Each of us has our boundaries and "deal breakers".

      There's also a big difference between {life} and the hypothetical.

      Countless women will say if a man cheats on them it's over! And yet so many women have been cheated on multiple times by their man and have chosen to stay; Jackie Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, and Spencer Tracy's wife just to name a few. Maybe these women separate love from sex.

      Before any reconciliation could take place in my mind we'd have to uncover the motivation or reason why the cheating took place, the lessons that were learned, and why if put in the same situation why it would not happen again.

      Ultimately someone has to have "changed" dramatically. Otherwise it's just a matter of time until the issue arises again.

    • Kristin Shay profile imageAUTHOR

      Kristin Shay 

      14 months ago from Illinois

      Thank you Eric, this has not been easy for me. I struggle every day to trust him. God has got me through this and we work everyday on our marriage.

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 

      14 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      That is a very interesting story. Perhaps too common these days.

      My wife prays to hard and often for our marriage. God won't even let me imagine another woman. And I am not an easy man to love.

      I hope others read this and learn from your wonderful approach.

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