ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

A Grief Expressed

Updated on February 24, 2014

The Deep Grief Of A Mother Who Has Lost Her Child

MAY 2013. I have already written a little bit about losing my daughter last November to cystic fibrosis - scattered words here and here and here, and bursts of emotion now lost and hidden among random other things on my Facebook timeline - but I want to write more, much more, though I am not sure I have the emotional strength.

She is never far from my thoughts. There is always an ache in my heart.

I still cannot believe she is really gone.

Photo by Ryan Myer. All rights reserved.

Pain And Love Beyond Words

She was only 25. I want to write about her. I want to write about her last days on earth. There was such profound love and beauty in those days - and a heart-horror that I am not sure I can describe.

My friend Charlene tells me that if I write it, she will read every single word. The first week, Charlene sat beside me on my couch, my living room still filled with plastic "patient belongings" bags from the hospital, a fluffy plush creature on the coffee table that was a get well gift to Caety from another friend, cards, and flowers; and she listened as I told her everything that had happened: Caety's last words, hugs, and breaths, and moments so raw and painful that no one should ever have to speak of or hear.

Charlene and I have a sacred bond, for she lost her teenage son three years before. She too knows the unfathomable loss of a child.

So I will write if I can, because I don't want to lose the memories. In January, I wrote a poem about that very thing; I will share it with you now.

Preparing To Write About It

(A Poem)

Soon I must go to the dark below,

Recover those days before the haze

Of time and mind and life prevent,

Transcribe them one by one with pen

Then let my child go again.

Sharing My Sorrow With The World

I will come back here to write more. My Facebook friends have graciously, patiently, and compassionately read and responded to many emotionally graphic status updates over the past few months. That means so much to me. They are not looking away (!) from something that must also feel painful for them to read. Sometimes I wonder if it seems obscene to some. If so, they have lovingly withheld verbalizing that thought, and I am grateful.

I will probably move some of those Facebook posts here so I can keep them all together.

One thing that seems so strange to me is how my heart keeps finding things to feel passionately grateful for in this darkest time of my entire life, a time that holds no promise of even ever improving. How do intense pain and gratitude share such close quarters in my heart?

A Grief Observed - C. S. Lewis (Caety's Favorite Author)

A Grief Observed
A Grief Observed
I read this many years ago in college when my best friend was fatally hit by a car. It was a comfort to me then; I do not know if it would comfort me now. Here is something that does comfort me, from the last page of The Last Battle (the last book in The Chronicles of Narnia), which Caety loved: "And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." ~ C.S. Lewis

Precious Gift, Profound Grief - A Father Ponders The Possible Loss Of A Child

"If the universe granted me a single wish, it would be that when I die old, my daughter will yet live. But the universe makes no such promises. There is only this: the knowledge that parenting is a privilege, a gift not granted fairly to all. The awfulness, the horror of losing a child, is only possible if you have somehow been fortunate enough to become a parent in the first place." ~ David Valdes Greenwood

Thank you for reading. I would love for you to "sign the guestbook" and to return to read more as my heart allows me to share.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 

      5 years ago from Florida

      I read about your tragic loss on another writing site we share. I will again express my deep sympathy. I cannot imagine loosing a child or grandchild. Your poor heart is still broken, I am sure.

      I'm so happy to have "found you" here, my friend. Love, Mary

    • skiesgreen2 profile image

      Norma Holt 

      6 years ago from Australia

      Losing a child is possibly the worst pain ever but my experience of reincarnation exposes the fact that we return to life. We live and die and return. It also states that in the Old Testament where the potter reshapes and reworks us until perfection is found. Your lovely daughter was handicapped and then set free to return in a new body unhindered by disease. You are probably coming to terms with it now and my love goes out to you for your pain, which will probably never go away completely. Be inspired and look beyond religious teachings for answers. Hugs

    • MelanieMurphyMyer profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago

      @Wednesday-Elf: Thank you. <3

    • Wednesday-Elf profile image


      7 years ago from Savannah, Georgia

      I'm so, so sorry. Judging by the photo, your daughter was beautiful and you look so happy together. May that image stay in your heart and mind forever.

    • Debbi Craton profile image

      Debbi Craton 

      7 years ago from Georgia

      I'm so sorry for your loss. It's good that you can write about it. It will help you remember all the details that tend to fog over with time.

    • evelynsaenz1 profile image

      Evelyn Saenz 

      7 years ago from Royalton

      I can't imagine how deeply you grieve. I believe that loosing a child has to be the most heart rending experience there is. I hope that in writing and sharing your sorrow you are able to absorb the strength we, your readers, send to you.

    • darkflowers profile image

      Anja Toetenel 

      7 years ago from The Hague, the Netherlands

      I'm so very sorry you lost your daughter to this horrible disease. This must be so hard for you, I can't even imagine how hard that is to lose a child. It is good that you share about it and express yourself, all the emotions, etc. It helps, I'm sure about that. Thank you for sharing what you wrote so far. Take care!

    • MelanieMurphyMyer profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago

      @janfran_50: I'm sorry about your loss as well. Thank you for your kind comments. <3

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Thank you for sharing your heart. Though I lost a child at 8 months of age, I can't see myself ever having the courage you have shown in writing about your daughter. Much love and peace.

    • SusanSuggests profile image


      7 years ago

      Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss and I admire your strength. Wishing you comfort and peace.

    • kislanyk profile image


      7 years ago from Cyprus

      Indeed it is quite a difficult topic to write about, so thank you for sharing.

    • aviwolfson profile image

      Avi Wolfson 

      7 years ago from Massachusetts

      Very well written on an important and difficult topic. Thank you for sharing.

    • MelanieMurphyMyer profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago

      @anonymous: Thank you for your kind words, Camilo. I am very sorry for your family's loss too. <3

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Dear Melanie, Internet is like a pandora box never know what is going to happen, I was reading about bass guitars in a blog, and I saw a comment about your son playing bass (I do play bass too, and thought you looked like a cool mom) so somehow I entered your blog, and eventually this blog entry....first of all let me tell you that I am sorry for your loss, and I can somehow understand your grief, because my sister passed away three years ago because of a brain tumor at age 21 (previously she had other types of cancer) and I think that what I've seen in my mother since then relates to what you've written. In fact, I wonder if you both could even have a good relationship (considering she speaks no english whatsoever, and we are a world appart...and she is a cool mom too!!) perhaps this makes no sense, but it somehow tells you that you are not alone in a situation like yours, and that situation repeats a lot in the world (just like for us here in Colombia).

    • profile image


      7 years ago


      I'm sitting here with my daughter, home from college now, and I cannot even begin to imagine a day without her. I often think of you and Caety because of all you have shared. It gives me a lot to think about and reminds me how much I should enjoy the moments. Thanks for trusting that your readers hear your words.

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      What a beautiful way to work your way through the grief. I have a profound admiration for you right now and I sincerely look foreword to coming back and learning more.<>

    • gottaloveit2 profile image


      7 years ago

      What a beautiful article. We lost my sister to an accident in 1989 when she was only 36. She left behind 3 young children - we though we'd never go on. But, the loss of your daughter was different. I'm so glad you have friend to help you through this very dark time. I cannot heal your heart but I can bless this article.

    • gottaloveit2 profile image


      7 years ago

      What a beautiful article. We lost my sister to an accident in 1989 when she was only 36. She left behind 3 young children - we though we'd never go on. But, the loss of your daughter was different. I'm so glad you have friend to help you through this very dark time. I cannot heal your heart but I can bless this article.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)