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Memories In Time

Updated on March 10, 2011

It was a typical summer day, hot and humid. I decided to take a walk. I had recently graduated and was at loose ends. I liked this little city I lived in, but I felt so totally isolated. My dog had recently died and I was somberly sad.

I walked to the bus stop and decided to take a rest. As I sat, another lady, much older, but with a kind face, also sat.

“’Allo.” I said in my fake accent.

“Hello, Miss” said the kind lady. Why not, I thought, let’s roll with it.

“What a fine city you have here.” Again I used an accent.

“Oh,” said the lady “You are not from around here?”

“No, mum, I’m from across the waves.”

“How exciting for you,” she responded, “Have you been here long?”

“No mum, I just arrived a fort-night ago.” (I had not a clue as to what a fort-night was. Obviously, neither did the lady.)

We chatted until her bus came and she wished me well here in America.

That was so much fun, pretending to be someone I was not.

Of course I was a local! I was a product of an unhappy home, seeking out my niche in life. School ending was devastating to me. It was the joy in my life to go to school where I could be me. I could read, write and watch the joy of folks around me. I could be quiet or I could be in a play and again, be someone other than myself. I could give award winning speeches or I could write exciting essays.

The important part was lost to me. I did not have friends. I ached for that best friend and never did she come along (nor did he). I made some friends, but they were more casual and took advantage of my hunger to please. Unfortunately it took me many years to realize this.

Pretending became a way of life for many years to come.

On graduation day, I stood in a corner and cried. No one noticed, and no one cared. I’m sure they thought I was sad leaving everybody. Quite the opposite; everybody was leaving me. They were going off to college and I, the bright quiet student, was not so destined. I was headed to job hunting.

I was seventeen and simply knew my life was over. I’d never had the freedom to make my own choices, yet here I was, having to do just that. I was terrified, yet could not express it to anyone. I feared so much and had confidence in so little.

My parents were either working or fighting. They took little notice of me. They had two other children to lavish their attention on. My brother was quite close to my dad and my dad doted on my baby sister. I did not make waves; therefore there was no reason to pay much attention to me.

Once in my lifetime, that I can recall, my dad bought me a gift, a bracelet. Every time he went somewhere, he brought my baby sister a gift. My brother was in sports and that fit well with my dad’s interest. They played together and when my sister was old enough, she joined them.

My mother and I were not coordinated, nor interested in their sports. You would think this would make us close. Not so much. Mother was constantly working or helping my sister. She was so tired all the time. She worked the evening shift (which meant she got home around 3:00 in the morning and was sleeping as we got ourselves off to school.

We learned early on that if we wanted a note signed by Mother we should wait until morning. She just signed and went back to sleep. Typical kids, my brother and I. Not so typical, my sister. After all, she was the baby.

As the baby, it fell to me to care for her when mother was working, which seemed like always. I had no social life. She was spoiled and difficult as a small one, and I, being the teenager, did not like the things she did. However, every night I would hold her hand and sing her to sleep as she lay in her crib. I loved her, but did not realize it then.

One time my dad came in and found me spanking my sister and had a royal fit. He really yelled at me. The one time I stood up to him. I told him I was spanking her because she refused to be a potty mouth and if he would just not say such words around her she would not. She was four years old. He never used a curse word again around the house. I did not get into any trouble.

I learned later on that my sister was the “let’s save the marriage and have a baby” child. Now, in my wiser years, I feel sorry for her. Back then I simply resented her. She got everything that I felt I deserved and she was quite good at destroying my treasures when I was not home, and never receiving reprimand, because after all, she was so young!

You can imagine that my mother did not come up as one of my favorite people at that time. I did not understand. She had no time to explain, nor did she feel there was a need.

If I asked her a controversial question, I was suddenly accused of doing the wrong thing I was asking about. Therefore, I learned to never ask questions of my mother. I came to feel that she did not love me at all. Too late in life I learned to let go of those resentments and find out what kind of person she was. We had almost a year and a half before she died. I miss her so much.

These days, I find myself wondering why I did not grasp life and the meaning of it until I was in my early elderly years! (How’s that for a description?)

Today, I have forgiven myself for being such a wayward daughter and an immature mother myself. I have put the past behind me. I live for today and try to be the best me I can be.

I have learned so much, and yet, so little. I love learning. And I hope I am always open minded enough to learn more and more about anything and everything. If not, I'm sure someone will remind me that this is my goal.

Family is everything to me.


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    • Pixienot profile image

      Pixienot 4 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

      Hi Ausseye,

      I hardly know how to respond. With a blush on my heart and thankfulness I more than appreciate your comments. They are a true source of encouragement.

    • Pixienot profile image

      Pixienot 4 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

      Hi Nellieanna,

      I apologize for taking so long to tune back into hubpages. I've been in a battle with my FMS, but I've temporarily won and am back, at least for today! If you are ever in the area feel free to look me up. I'd love to meet with you.

      I've lived in New Albany and now Clarksville area for over 20 years. Before that in central Indiana. You'd hardly notice I'm a Kentucky native. No accent! lol

      Thank you so much for your comments. I do appreciate them.

    • profile image

      Ausseye 4 years ago

      Hi Pixieyes: I see a person grown bold and full of merit, a thoughtful soul with the gift to live a life and learn how to navigate the often stormy road. You are a fine daughter whom your mother and father would be proud off even if they didn’t admit it, you have a gift called giving and it is the best of human qualities. You have inspired this wayward soul. Loved the hub as it had a rub that told a wholesome story of self and selflessness.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 4 years ago from TEXAS

      Such a poignant and 'quietly desperate' story, dear Pixienot. One feels what you felt writing it - living it? - and sometimes that is so difficult to accomplish when telling a story. Excellent work.

      By the way - I lived for quite a few years in Sellersburg, New Albany and then Floyds Knobs.

    • Pixienot profile image

      Pixienot 6 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

      Speedbird, thank you so much for stopping by and I'm glad you enjoyed the hub. I appreciate it so much.

      Creativeone, I am so blessed by God each and every day. That is the reason I cannot and will not live in the past nor dwell on anything that was uncomfortable for me. It is over and done. Today counts!

      I can always use a new friend!! :) Thank you.

    • creativeone59 profile image

      benny Faye Douglass 6 years ago from Gold Canyon, Arizona

      Pixienot, you almost had me in tears, I enjoyed your hub, but it left me feeling that I wish it was something I could do. Hey, you got a friend in me if you like, oh, I am a fanatic about family too. God bless you sweet lady. Thank you for sharing. Godspeed. creativeone59

    • speedbird profile image

      speedbird 6 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      Nice hub, well narrated story. I enjoyed the reading

    • Pixienot profile image

      Pixienot 6 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

      ima, thank you for your understanding and kind words.

      Sometimes when I sit down to write, even I am amazed at what comes out. I guess it was time for this piece.

      I so much appreciate my friends on hubpages. I feel at home here. I'm piecing myself together. So far, I am not disappointed too much! :)

      Susan, you are more than welcome. Just me being me.

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      I cannot say I know exactly how you feel but I somewhat do. Thanks for sharing this story.

    • imatellmuva profile image

      imatellmuva 6 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore

      What a touching, trying, and somewhat tumultuous time for you Pixienot. Through it all you persevered, and can look back on those times as stepping stones to the person you've become. Our life lessons, as you've experienced come in all forms. You've shared such a personal piece of your life...I thank you and admire you for that!