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K.i.d.s.! The Ten Laws of Being a Toddler

Updated on April 3, 2022

As you may or may not already know, I am a proud father of identical twin girls. And though they share many obvious external similarities, they are almost total opposite personalities. Isabella is a dare-devil, Alexis is cautious and calculating. And while Allie (for short) is more clingy and likes physical touch, Bella is the lone wolf (at the time of this publishing anyway. They are 3 years old in this picture).

Their personalities thus far have been pretty consistent. For the most part...

They have been known to actually switch (yes, switch) personalities. What I mean is, they seem to go through phases, in which one becomes the more outgoing while the other becomes more introverted. I'm no child psychologist, but this is what I've seen happen. There are however, some universal character traits about kids that is both timeless and undeniably true.

Alexis & Isabella. My girls in Tahoe
Alexis & Isabella. My girls in Tahoe

What I've learned about toddlers

The first law of being a toddler: Whatever it is that you're NOT supposed to do, you do every day - twice, at least. Never say never, and never back down from a challenge. Go all in...

The second law of being a toddler: "No" simply means wait 10 seconds then try again. Repeat until they start the countdown...

The third law of being a toddler: Potty training is when you go poo poo right after you get off the potty chair, but only if you've sat there for 45 minutes already, crying and squirming while repeatedly trying to touch "down there" with your little hands all dirty 'cause you just got done eating.

The fourth law of toddlerdom: You will slowly, but surely, learn to not like all the foods you use to love. You will only eat processed meat products like hot dogs, and anything else must have cheese on it (unless ofcourse, it actually is cheese.) Oh, and anything sweet and sugary like ice cream and other desserts will always be eaten, even after you've pushed all your other foods off the tray and repeatedly screamed "all done!"

The fifth law of being a toddler: When you learn to turn the doorknob and open up doors, you will develop the undeniable, insatiable urge to open and close (read: slam shut) every door in the house over and over again no matter who is sleeping or taking a nap.

The sixth law of being a toddler: Screaming, not just crying, will get you anything you want (in most cases). Simply drop to the floor, wherever you are, and scream. You can also kick and flail about for added drama. This law is especially effective on Grandparents, they are helpless under it's powers.

The seventh law of toddlerdom: If you have been drawing/coloring for more than 5 minutes and no one is paying attention to you, it is absolutely expected of you, no, required of you, to then begin drawing on the walls. You are to continue this until someone notices. Repeat as needed to get attention.

The eighth law of being a toddler: Anytime you see something you like, it is automatically yours. It does not matter who is holding it, where it is, or how much it costs. Whine and point to it incessantly. If anything, you will then receive a consolation prize to distract you from the more expensive first choice. Either way, it's a win/win.

The ninth law of being a toddler: Pick your nose as soon as you learn how. Don't worry if you don't like icky boogers on your finger, because all you have to do is alert your mommy or daddy to said booger, and they will promptly take it and throw it away. Problem solved, nostril cleared. Extra points for doing this at the dinner table or restaurant.

The tenth law of toddlerdom: You can do anything you want wrong, as long as you're charming about it. That's right, a well timed silly face or cute remark will get you out of most hairy situations. We're talkin' instant forgiveness here folks. This one here is the creme de la creme. These other laws might help you go as far as into elementary school, but this one you can take right on into adulthood! Add some charisma to the mix and you'll be unstoppable! The envy of all your toddler peers!

In Closing

So there you have it, my Ten Laws of Being a Toddler. These aren't definitive for every toddler, obviously, more like guidelines. These were all true for my twin girls though. Feel free to add your own in the comments section. I'm sure other parents will just LOVE to read them! I hope you enjoyed this little toddler PSA (parent service announcement) as much as I enjoyed writing it. Happy trails...

This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.


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