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I want to be a Foodie

Updated on June 4, 2012

I want to be a foodie. Are you a foodie? Does exotic cuisine replete with unpronounceable spices cause your heart to beat faster and your arteries to clog more efficiently? I do. Not knowing enough about food makes me hungry for knowledge. Join me on my quest for culinary nirvana. Together we will quest not just for fast food, but for good food that makes everyone else insanely jealous.

I want elaborate food

My food will require hours to prepare. Thanksgiving Dinner will be planned as we clean up the 4th of July gourmet picnic. No courses that have less then 40 steps will be permitted on my table. My recipes will have sub-recipes in them. Each menu item will contain ingredients from at least 3 continents. Complex flavors will weave together in your mouth, creating a symphony of tastiness reminiscent of the way you never thought food could taste. It will be really good.

I want to use Plate as a verb

Real foodies, as I will become, have their own proprietary vocabulary. Simply serving my concoctions does not suffice. I will plate my food. I will spend hours manipulating fruits and vegetables and meats and into geometrically precise interlocking arrangements that would make MC Escher jealous. My plates will be studied at mechanical engineering schools.

I want to hang out with famous chefs

My best friends will be foodies. We will hang out in the produce aisle at Whole Foods and make fun of the genetically modified tomatoes. Are you a foodie? You may join my entourage. Iron your big fluffy chef hat. Bleach the beef blood out of your smock. Come strong to the kitchen or don't come at all. If you can't run with the big dogs, stay in the drive-through lane.

I will have a pedigree

On my way to becoming a foodie, I will study at the finest restaurants. My dues will be paid to learn my craft and earn my apron. I will clean pots at the finest restaurants in Paris during the day and operate a hot dog stand on the Champs-Élysées by night. I will sleep in the coat room of a 5-star bistro in New York City so everyone feels sorry for me and wants to know more about my meteoric rise from community college dropout to advanced world chef.

I want my own show

The greatest chefs each have a hook: they flaunt authority, or they bellow a catch-phrase, or they secretly sit on the Board of Directors at McDonald's. I will have a hook so hokey as to be impossible to ignore by the Food Channel. I will appeal to the popular culture while remaining aloof but approachable. TV producers will battle each other to develop a weekly prime-time reality show based on my improbable life in the food industry. I will appear on the cover of People magazine because people like me.

I will have a specialty

Every massively popular chef specializes in something. I may specialize in cakes or steaks or cakes made of steak or some unpronounceable concoction that originated in the test kitchens of my great-grandmother's roadside fruit stand during the 1911 World's Fair. My specialty will have romance and intrigue and secrecy and exclusivity but will adapt nicely to international branding and online mail-ordering. It will also taste good without fat, salt, MSG, or preservatives. There will be lots of fiber in it.

I will have a Food Moment

Everyone will know that my life wasn't always centered around the pursuit of foodiness. My Food Moment will be epic but subtle. Your heart strings will be tugged in such a way as to inspire you into subscribing to my recipe of the month club so you can someday be like me. My Food Moment will be revealed on a Very Special Episode of Dr Phil, featuring Dr. Oz, Dr. Drew, and Anthony Bourdain.

I will be a food rebel

My food revolution will combine heretofore uncombined flavors. I will break flavor barriers and risk becoming a food pariah. I will mix olives with milk. I will serve onions with chocolate. I will invent garlic Skittles. My chain of restaurants will offer rebellious recipes resplendent with meals adapted from Mexican prisons. It's all good and it's all part of me being a foodie.

I still want to be a foodie

Join me. Bring your Ginsu knife and your taste buds. Together we will transform me into a foodie of great renown.


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    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 5 years ago from south Florida

      I was fine, nicomp, until I got to the Food Rebel paragraph - just my luck.

      Then I had to stop reading and leave the computer to go to the loo and upchuck.

      I have to admit that your prose made me grin,

      But the onions and chocolate? That did me in.